notokinthehead











{February 29, 2012}   *~Wounds From the Womb~*

Made in the throes of love
Desperate passion filled the night
Safe and warm, you surrounded me
Made to leave much too soon
Desperate cries filled the room
Scared and cold, discarded from your womb
Only the beginning of a life of rejection
You never marveled over this creation
You never found the time to tuck me in at night
Or the patience to kiss away the tears I cried
I waited for you my entire life
But now it’s too late for you to step in
Now I’ve grown to be my own person
Now you have decided to step up to the plate
But your arrival has come too late…



{February 28, 2012}   *~Love’s Noose~*

You reached for my hand
And pulled me off my knees
You showed me the sun
The moon and the stars
You pointed me in the direction
Of the stairway to Heaven.
You built a bridge
And connected our souls
You showed me love can exist
Between two unlikely hearts
You said it was okay
To be who and what I am.

You let go of my hand
Sending me to my knees
You clouded over the sun
The moon and the stars
You gave me false direction
To the stairway to Heaven.
You burned the bridge
And disconnected our souls
You showed me love can be mean
When I let you into my heart
You said I will never be okay
If I don’t change who and what I am.
You lied to me and deceived me
You took my loyalty
And turned it into a game
You played me and used me
Laughing secretly, knowing the entire time
That you held the rope draped around my neck
And it wouldn’t be long before I fell…



{February 25, 2012}   Escape Route >>> Art

“Art is the only way to run away without leaving home.”  ~Twyla Tharp

Winter Night

Freedom Horse

Night & Day



{February 23, 2012}   *~Heart Of Gold~*

I’ve loved deeply
Without reciprocation
My heart’s never been whole
So it can’t be broken
The colors of my soul faded
Never seeing the light of happiness
Looking for the rainbow leading to a heart of gold
Feeling destined to be a beautiful mess
There must be someone out there
To put a smile on my face
And laughter on my lips
Sending my head spinning into space
Someone to catch this falling star
And hang it back up
On the canvas of the galaxy
Someone to comfort me
Love me, hold me
Wipe away the tears
Erase the bitterness
Heal the wounds on my heart
Someone who knows best
To show me the right path
And give me a new start…



{February 23, 2012}   *~Cradle Me~*

Hold me high above
Show me what it’s like to be number one
I’ve put myself last for far too long
I desperately want to feel loved
I’m tired of being strong
My knees are growing weak
My voice cracks when I try to speak
I need protective arms to hold me
Someone to shield me from the rain
Gently cradle my pain
And take it all away
I want to look into someone’s eyes
And drift into a paradise
Tell me no lies
Smother me with the truth
Pave the future roads smooth
Fly me past the stars and to the moon
Put me on a pedestal high above
Make me your number one
And show me the power of love…



{February 20, 2012}   FREE To Anyone: Sandman

Be careful what you wish for.

I finally ended up dozing off for an extended nap this afternoon. Unfortunately, sleep did not bring rest. My sleep was invaded by restless and strange dreams. I actually feel more tired now than I did before I fell asleep. I woke up soaked in sweat like I’d just exercised for a couple of hours. A quick review of my dreams:

I dreamt that I was asleep and when I woke up (in the dream) there were several people here in the house. They were new neighbors and they had nothing but problems, which I had no patience for. I remember it vividly. The husband was in the kitchen with my roommates talking about how his wife has to go through so many chemotherapy treatments and how difficult it is with three young children, two boys and a girl. His wife was in the basement with their kids playing on our pool table and arcade games. Then he opened his jacket just enough to show his collection of hypodermic needles, a table spoon, a lighter and a bottle of pills. Then he left to pull chains out of the woods (wtf?). I sat at the kitchen table and looked out at the driveway just as the interior lights went on in my truck. I ran for the door and upon slamming it behind me, the door handle came off in my hand. I ran at my truck screaming “Who the fuck is in my truck?!”. I could see a pair of tan work boots peeking out from under my truck, but the windows were all fogged up so I couldn’t see who it was. Just as I ran around the back of my truck, the driver side door slammed and the thief locked it. I wailed on the window and door handle trying to get into my truck but the guy/girl took off. Then I woke up.

I went online and searched for meanings of the dream. As for the door handle on the house, all I could find was “being trapped in a room with a broken doorknob”. The meaning behind that is feeling trapped, like you have no way out. Maybe my dream means just the opposite- I have caused my own isolation and chosen to be “out” of the loop for so long that now I can’t find a way in. As for my truck being stolen- feeling manipulated or taken advantage of. Hmmm… this feels like it may have been the case four or five months ago, but I’m not sure where it would be coming from at the present time. Maybe suppressed feelings finally being vented through Dreamland?

The biggest thing that sticks out in my dream is how stressed out and incredibly uncomfortable I was with people being in my ‘home’. I did not invite these people in, they were complete strangers and I felt very invaded. I think this is where the waking up drenched in sweat came from. When I’m in social situations in my awakened time, I often begin to sweat and feel like my comfort has been compromised.

I blame my current headache on this stupid dream. Why the hell does sleep have to betray us? Don’t we get enough of that shit in the real world? Shouldn’t we be dreaming of rainbows and unicorns and all of that happy horse shit?

And the battle rages on full-speed ahead in my mind…

 

 



{February 20, 2012}   WANTED: Sandman

Slipping away into Dreamland

Whew! What a long weekend! I wasn’t able to come home last night as expected, but ended up staying another night due to a delayed flight. The dog went home this morning. And so did I. I feel like I haven’t slept in a week. I was a complete wreck yesterday. Every time someone closed a car door I’d come right up off of the couch and the poor little dog would go flying. I had all of the shades pulled down, I checked the windows and doors a million times to make sure they were locked and I kept every door in the house closed in an attempt to isolate myself and be comfortable. It didn’t work! I ended up taking several pills yesterday and last night.

Now that I’m home, I’m feeling a bit better but the lack of sleep and exhaustion is catching up with me. I just want to curl up under the covers on my bed and sleep for a few days. Babe hasn’t left my side since meeting me at the door when I got home this morning. Some days I think Babe is the reason I keep going, the reason I even get up out of bed. It’s a good feeling to be depended on without the usual demands and expectations people have. Babe depends on me for food and water and TLC. As crazy as it sounds, I kind of depend on her for some TLC, too. I don’t know what I’d do without Babe. Probably a lot less than I do now, haha.

Right now I’m battling with myself trying to decide whether I should curl up in bed with Babe now or fight it and wait until I go to bed tonight. There’s so much I should be doing that I’ve been putting off like filing taxes, going to the pharmacy to get the meds I’m out of, make phone calls to my lawyers, etc. I have zero motivation. The only thing I can do without having to face people is file my taxes online. Maybe I’ll do that and call it good for the day. I’m feeling like watching a movie. Maybe “Harold & Maude”. Anyone ever seen it? My therapist recommended it and now it’s one of my favorite movies. If you haven’t seen it, you should.

I just want to sleep!!!!



{February 19, 2012}   Ready For ‘Home’

I’ve been here at my friend’s house since Friday and now I’m ready to go home. I miss my room, my bed, my cat… not to mention, walking this little dog is killing me since I had a procedure done on Thursday. I’m supposed to be on partial bed rest for a week to ten days. So much for following surgeon’s orders.

I am exhausted! Very little sleep this weekend from a combination of pain and change of surroundings. Thanks to the lack of sleep, I have a pounding headache and very little patience for anything. I feel nauseous and have major hunger pains in my stomach, but I don’t know what to eat. I don’t have an appetite. Not to mention, I’d have to get in my truck and drive to the store during a Holiday weekend in this little tourist town. People. No thank you! I’d rather just head in the other direction and go ‘home’.

Why is it that decisions people would normally find to be simple seem like the difference between life and death for me? It’s so difficult for me to make decisions.

Four hours and counting……. I need a drink!



{February 18, 2012}   Hanging In There

I’m at my friends house dog-sitting. So far, I’m hanging in there. Of course, she and her husband are working twelve hour shifts today and tomorrow so it’s just me, the dog and the cat. The dog and I walked around the block bright and early this morning, after he kept me awake all night with his flopping around the bed. Haha. The walk went well, we only saw one other person and two other dogs. I actually feel pretty good about it and am thinking of walking him around the block a few times today rather than just taking him outside to do his thing. It’s funny- this dog is smaller than my cat, Babe. But that’s perfect, considering the recent procedure on my neck, back and shoulder.

I’ve only had to take two of my anxiety pills between yesterday and now. Hopefully I can keep this up!



{February 17, 2012}   Treading Outside Of My Comfort Zone

Today I feel as though someone took a Louisville Slugger to my back and ribs. And physical therapy did not feel good!

I’m taking a big step out of my comfort zone this weekend. I’m going to stay at a friends house for the entire weekend to help dog-sit. Hopefully I will be able to relax enough to enjoy a different environment and a little time with my friend and her husband. However… taking care of the dog all day means I will have to walk him outside so he can do his duties. I can do this, right? I have to do this, she does so much for me. At least they have wireless internet, right?

Wish me luck!



et cetera