notokinthehead











{February 16, 2012}   Then I Really Got Hurt

I got to hang out in here today... yuck.

No Pain, No Gain…

and got to spend a few hours in a room like this today. Not much fun. They gave me anesthesia which knocked me for a loop,but didn’t knock me out. They did a nerve block that numbed and paralyzed my right shoulder down to my right hip. Talk about a weird feeling. Then they did several injections of steroids and some other complicated word all over the right side of my back, neck, shoulder and right ribcage, as well as small incisions to get access to my muscles. I’m still very groggy, but also nauseous from the anesthesia. The right side of my ribcage looks like I ate a child’s arm from all of the swelling. The best part- they wouldn’t give me anything for the pain once I left the hospital! They sent me on my way with a nice little warning: “I may have punctured your right lung. If you stop breathing, call 911. Ha! So on top of feeling sick I’m also in a lot of pain. All I want to do is sleep, but I can’t relax with so much pain.



{February 15, 2012}   Rodent Ninja

My teammate.

Meet Babe. She’s a seven-year old, 17lb, pure-breed Tortoiseshell feline. She’s also my best friend. Last night, she found a flying squirrel in the bathroom and wrestled with it in the tub for a bit before it landed itself on top of the door. I attempted to get it to jump into a coffee can, but he had other plans. Babe and I chased this little Ninja of a rodent behind the toilet, in the tub, across the shower curtain rod, around the vanity. I thought we had him when he seemed to corner himself on the vanity. Nope, he used me as a jungle gym, scratched the shit out of my arm and continued this hot pursuit. After about twenty minutes of spinning in circles and diving and jumping, I sat down and watched Babe try her paw in it. In less than two minutes she had him backed into the coffee can and I was able to slap the lid on it. I then hopped into my truck with the coffee can and drove a good ten minutes away from the house to let him go. One problem- he was happy in the coffee can. I had to leave him & the coffee can sitting on top of the snowbank on a back road. I went back this morning to get the can (I don’t litter) and he was gone. I wish I could’ve gotten last night’s excitement on camera. It would get a million hits on YouTube. Hahaha… but Babe is the real hero.



{February 15, 2012}   Roadblock Shame

Sometimes we cause our own heart aches.

I like you.
I want to touch you.
I want to hold you.
I want to kiss you.
I want to take you home.
I want to protect you-
From me. So I will
watch you from afar,
longing for what could
be, from my little
corner of the world, holding
hands with my shame.
I will cry for you, because
I think I could be what you
need.
I will cry for me, because
I think you could be what I
need.
If I keep my distance, your
spark won’t reach me,
tempting me to get closer.
If I keep my distance, your
gravitational pull won’t
reel me in.
If I can find the strength
I can walk away from you.
If I can find the strength
I can save you.
I shouldn’t like you,
they say it’s a sin.
I can’t touch you
without burning my skin.
I can’t hold you
and risk drowning.
I can’t kiss you
and risk falling.
I can’t take you home
and risk loving you.
I can protect you
from myself- I’ll save you.



{February 15, 2012}   Don’t Think- Stay Warm

Nobody sees me clearly. Is this what I look like to everyone?

Feel the cold
like a hammer
to my bones.
Fingers tingly,
toes anesthetized.
Slowly I’m losing
feeling
from the outside in.
It’s taking over my body,
slowly approaching my
heart and soul.
I feel an ache
deep within my chest.
I’m wondering if
that will be next.
Too weak, I became a
victim
of the stronger,
smarter, the
have-it-together’s.

The night has a thousand eyes, but it can't have mine.

A victim of the illnesses
that have taken over
my body and my mind.
A not-so-lovely
addition to the lonely,
broken-hearted,
suffering, the lost souls.
Turning, twisting, crying,
screaming, thrashing about.
What I thought to be
the truth turned out to be
lies.
What I thought was
love turned out to be an
execution
of my beliefs and self.
What I thought was a
vacation turned out to be
rejection.
The cold spreads. It
reaches through my
entire body now. So
cold, I don’t believe
I will ever thaw out.



{February 13, 2012}   Punished

     So I didn’t crash as expected Saturday night. In fact, I seemed to gain more energy. I exercised for two hours yesterday afternoon without taking a breather. Then last night I lost all of my self-control and stuffed my pudgy face with noodles and tomato sauce. Talk about calorie and carb overload. Anyway, I finally crashed around two this morning and slept for a straight, solid ten hours. It was like a coma sleep, I don’t remember falling asleep or having any dreams. Shit, I don’t even remember crawling into bed.

When I finally awoke from my ‘coma sleep’ I felt like I had been hit by a school bus. I still do. My body is punishing me for a destructive day yesterday. Every muscle in my body hurts to the point where even typing is painful. Pretty pathetic. And my belly… oh it definitely hates me this morning. I feel like I gained ten pounds over night, like I should be expecting to give birth any day now. I definitely hurt my already injured shoulder, too.

It’s a vicious cycle. I exercise so I can stay ‘fit’, yet the more I exercise the more I hurt. My body asks for food, yet I give it what it wants and I feel the worse for it. It’s as though I am being punished for doing the right things, but if I continue to do the ‘wrong’ things I feel fine, great in fact. It’s a no-win situation that only throws me into a deeper depression and fuels my raging inner anger. (Hahaha, try saying ‘raging inner anger’ ten times fast.)

I think today is going to be a lazy day for me, despite the fact that I should try to reverse the junk I ate last night with another couple of hours of exercising. I feel like I have failed myself and now I need a little time to bring myself back up out of that dark hole I have plunged into head-first.



{February 12, 2012}   ~Releases~

     I have decided to share some of the things I do to de-stress or calm my anxiety. I am by no means a professional, just a patient, but I have found from experience that some or most of my strategies are very commonly used by others. As many people do, I tend to use alcohol or drugs, but I won’t recommend you do. It’s a very unhealthy coping mechanism and it’s harmful. It’s one of those- “it’s okay if I do it, but not if you do”- things. I will leave any and all harmful coping strategies out of my list, for obvious reasons.
MUSIC! Who doesn’t like music? I have found it’s helpful for me to listen to music when I am angry or depressed. Depending on which mood I’m in, I like to listen to a variety of music. When I’m angry it’s usually Godsmack, Finger Eleven, Trapt, Suicide Machines and other rock music. When I’m feeling down and depressed, I tend to listen to Matchbox Twenty, Ani DeFranco, Mellissa Etheridge, Alanis Morrissette, Collective Soul and a lot of Alternative music. ***I have found that if I am feeling anxious, noise furthers that feeling, and so music becomes irritating and upsetting rather than therapeutic.***
WRITING. Penning anything on paper is very helpful. Whether it be a poem, a journal entry or scribbling (I fucking hate ____, what a great day!, etc.). For me, just feeling the scratch of the pen or pencil on the paper is very comforting; it makes me feel like I have control over something, anything. I use this strategy on a daily basis for every and any reason- feeling angry, depressed, happy, accomplished, anxious, etc… One thing I have discovered: I tried using my laptop to write/type therapeutically to save on paper and pens (I go through a lot of paper and ink), but it didn’t help. I need to feel the pen scratching the paper; I need to feel my hands making my thoughts appear.
CREATIVITY. Painting, drawing or building something. I tend to enjoy painting on my neutral days, when I don’t feel much of anything, when I’m in that mode where nothing’s wrong but nothing’s right. Where I’m not happy or depressed. Drawing goes along the same lines of writing for me, feeling the pencil scratch on the paper, feeling that sense of complete control. Building something when you feel down or depressed can really lift you up, make you feel a sense of accomplishment.
EXERCISE. Walking, weight lifting, jogging, using a punching bag, hiking… anything physical that releases endorphins and battles stress. I have found that being able to do any of these activities outdoors is particularly joyful. I get a sense that there’s so much I have yet to see and I feel connected to the present. And your body naturally releases endorphins and other feel-good chemicals that can help bring you out of your slump or magnify those good feelings you already have.
And finally… psychotherapy. I know it’s not for everyone, but given my mental health issues it’s a life saver. Just to have someplace to go to feel safe and have someone there who is willing to listen to me and my problems, unbiased and free of judgment. I would highly recommend that anyone suffering from psychological issues give psychotherapy a try. It’s really helped me.

Feel free to add to this list. I am interested in learning new coping skills and seeing what works for other people as well.



{February 11, 2012}   My Name Is… Labeled.

They diagnose me from a textbook- 
Little do they know, I don’t fit their definitions.
My depression is more than sadness,
more than feeling worthless
helpless, hopeless, lost.
The scars they see are only skin deep
but I feel the slashes across my heart.
Bleeding the pain through my veins
is a fruitless attempt to relieve the pressure;
the aching I feel vibrating deep in my bones.
They cannot define the suffering I feel
for even I am unable to put it into words.
They can’t make me talk about it
because my voice fails to convey it accurately.
To attempt to portray it in a painting would be shameful
for it’s too ugly to waste creativeness on.

They diagnose me from a textbook-
Little do they know, I don’t fit their definitions.
My eating habits are not about control,
but about being perfect enough for my mother;
about acceptance and approval.
I’m not sick, I’m just starving for love.

They diagnose from a textbook-
Little do they know, I don’t fit their definitions.
My insomnia is more than sleeplessness,
more than exhaustion and a battle for rest.
The dark circles under my eyes are proof
of my weariness, of my restless nights.
They know I do not sleep near enough;
They don’t know the haunts that lie beside me.
They don’t see the nightmares snuggled up close
or the horror that lies in waiting behind my eyes.

They diagnose me from a textbook-
Little do they know, I don’t fit their definitions.
Their labels are generic, almost all-inclusive.
I don’t fit into their little boxes of reasons,
they cannot categorize my life.
They can’t put me into a group with others
for I am a group all on my own.
Their labels and definitions take the me out of ‘me’,
they turn me into another statistic,
another stereotype.
I define ME, and without me…
there would be no definition.



{February 11, 2012}   A Rock and A Hard Place

That’s the truth. I don’t know how to talk to people. My friend was/is upset with me for not attending her birthday party. I don’t know how to explain why I didn’t go, so I didn’t reply to her email. Oh, yes I feel bad about it. She’s a very good friend of mine and I know she’s a little hurt that I did not show up to wish her a happy birthday in person. The only explanation that comes to mind is that much loved (ha!) excuse, “It’s not you, it’s me”. Don’t get me wrong, I love her like a sister, but she’s a very loud and somewhat obnoxious person, especially when she’s around a group of people. Usually, I’m okay with one-on-one interaction, but when her boyfriend called to invite me I immediately felt the anxiety that goes hand-in-hand with interacting with people. I didn’t even think about it, even before I hung up the phone I had made my decision about not going.

Avoiding her email will not make things smooth over. I know that. But I also know she’s not angry with me, but a little hurt about it. So my goal for today is to get the balls to email her back and explain the honest reason that I could not go to her party. If she’s truly a good friend then she will understand. Right?

Honestly, I don’t even understand myself and why I do or don’t do things. It’s a never-ending battle.



{February 11, 2012}   *~Spiraling~*

DREAMING

                   of floating

                                     weightlessly

                                              among the clouds.

                               In a bubble

                                       until it bursts.

FALLING

                               from grace,

                                      from heights

                                             known only to Angels.

                                     How did I get

                                            to this place?

SPIRALING

                                 down with

                                       other lost souls,

                                                   icy raindrops

                                       resembling tears.

                                                   How did I get this

OUT OF CONTROL?



{February 11, 2012}   Life In A Snow Globe

I sit at my desk

in front of the

window. Shades

pulled down, drapes

closed. Darkness

cradles me, computer

screen turning my

face blue. Still I

know it is snowing

beyond the glass

pane.

 

Trucks come by

and push the

snow

into hard, solid walls.

I cannot scale these

walls, like some

Super-Woman.

They are thick, cold.

Icy.

One foot up, you’re

okay. Second step

produces an

avalanche.

It caves in on me,

weighs heavy on my

heart.

 

So I stay behind

the pulled-down

shades, closed drapes

and glass that keeps

me in. I stay within

the warmth of this

darkened room. Not

looking outside, for

that would certainly

prove to be

suffocating.

It would reaffirm that

I live in a

snow globe,

and if shaken too

hard, my world will

shatter.

 

 

 

 

 



et cetera