notokinthehead











Editorial: Same-sex marriage repeal deserved defeat.

 

This is a very well written editorial. Several good points were made & damn it, HB 437 was shot down! That is the best news of the year yet.



{March 23, 2012}   I Went Out Again…

I made it out to the bar again last night for their karaoke night. We were having a Girl’s Night, no husbands, no boyfriends, no fiances… Girls. Believe it or not, I only had two beers because I agreed to be the designated driver for my cousins. It wasn’t easy. I wanted to drink so bad. And to top it off, there was a group of young punks there who would not take no for an answer when I didn’t want to dance with them. There is nothing more annoying than having very pushy twenty-one year old boys butt into your GIRL’S NIGHT and not understand the meaning of NO. I was very close to losing my temper when one of those punks grabbed my cousins wrist to pull her up to dance and then wouldn’t let go. Thankfully, my friend stepped in because I probably would have left there in cuffs.

Anyway, despite the interruptions, we had a good time. I did spend a lot of the time outside smoking cigarettes in a conscious effort to not be around people. I guess the little breaks make me better able to deal with being out in public. I don’t like the public. I can manage it when I’m drinking or use other means, but if I have to be able to drive, it’s very hard, because I have to be “good”.

I’ll do my best to hold onto the good parts of the night. I did have to take a couple of anxiety pills, though. At one point I wanted to park my truck on the side of the road, leave the girls in it and walk home. There’s something about being around drunks when I’m not drunk that I can’t stand.

As for yesterday… It was a great day. My friend got dropped off to me at my PT appointment and we went and sat by the river with our ice coffees for about two hours and just chatted. It was wonderful. Then I took her to her appointment, we went to browse a bookstore, gave her sister a ride home from work, picked up her kid (ugh), took the kid home, then came back to my place to get dressed to go out. We had a small dinner sitting next to the river before we picked the other girls up and went to the bar. It was a good day. That’s what I need to focus on.



{March 21, 2012}   Today’s Jam

With Spring feeling like Summer, this song seems fitting for today.



It’s after five-thirty in the morning and I still have not gone to bed. It’s definitely not for lack of trying. I laid in bed for two hours without sleeping at all, so I decided to get up. Now poor Babe isn’t very happy with me. She was curled up, comfy and sound asleep in the curve of my thighs and belly. Now I figure I’d have to get up and start the day in less than three hours, so why bother trying to go to bed now? I find it only makes me more tired to get not enough sleep than no sleep at all.

I over-did it exercising this evening, but it’s a good kind of pain. My muscles are burning like they’ve been exposed to the sun, gotten sunburned and then stung by a hornet. I know what you’re probably thinking- that feels good? Haha. I guess you’d have to me be to understand. Or just as crazy as I am.

I get my sutures out in a couple of hours 😀

"The Babe"
As my niece calls her.



{March 21, 2012}   *~Broken Promises~*

Photo I took of the sunset in Florida.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this
We made each other a promise
Sit down and unclench your fists
We keep going around and around
Until we knock each other down
Yelling names rolling on the ground
Yeah, drink some more alcohol
Am I more tolerable now?
Are you ready to hear me out?
I have a lot of things bottled up inside
You’re going to listen if it takes all night
Why is it so hard for you to look me in the eyes?
Every time you open your mouth it’s lies
Don’t you think I deserve some truth?
When did it become either me or you?
Don’t you appreciate anything I do?
We used to be so good together
Now I can’t wait for all this to be over
You think life without me is better?
I can’t imagine my life without you
I don’t believe you when you say we’re through
We’re both tiring of this dance we do
Neither of us can let go of our pride
Would you feel better if I cried?
Things will look better in the morning light
It’s just another stupid fight
So rest your head and close your eyes
And while you sleep I’ll hold you tight.



{March 20, 2012}   Take Me Out Back & Shoot Me

How about a little venting session?

I grew up in a homophobic household. You could say my family is full of bigots. I never understood it. I guess it’s kind of like when I lived in Trenton, N.J.- there were African Americans everywhere, shit, I even had one living with me at one point. He was a very nice guy. I didn’t see color, I still don’t. I’m not saying I’m oblivious to the different races, I’m not stupid or blind. I’m saying I don’t care what you look like, who you like or anything else, as long as you’re a decent person we’ll get along and be friends. My family is also racist, by the way.

Anyway, I’m saying all of this because when I was visiting my parents yesterday my brother showed up and played a song that everyone thought was hilarious… except for me. It was a song making fun of homosexuals and it was very tasteless. I sat on it last night and today trying to come up for excuses for their behavior, but I can’t think of anything. They must realize that it bothers me… they know I’m attracted to women. They know I’m a lesbian, it’s not a secret anymore. Yet they continue to bash homosexuals in my face. They’re a bunch of rednecks who think “homo’s should be shot”. I have to say, that hurts. If that’s how they feel, why don’t they just take me out back and shoot me? It wouldn’t be as painful as listening to them hate who I am.



{March 20, 2012}   Venomous Love

Words full of
venom
anger laced with
poison
slowly killing me
when you say
them
when it’s going
good, it’s great
when it’s bad
it’s like murder-
suicide
take the pain
that you feel
inside
put it onto me
tears run down
your face as you
apologize
you take me
you break me
you lift me up
drop me to my
knees
beg for my
forgiveness
promise only
happiness
from here on
out
say you only
want to make me
proud
show me what love’s
about
you take it back
trust no one
else
sorry you put
us both through
hell
next time it
will be different
there won’t be
a next time
you’d rather
leave
than ever hurt
me
again, I’ve heard
all these lies
before
still, you never
make it through that
door.



Yet another unseasonably warm, beautiful day today. Ah, I love it! I spent all day right outside soaking up the sun, drinking beer with my Dad, walking the dog, driving with my windows and sunroof open 🙂   It feels so good! I did pass out around four this afternoon, though, and slept for about two and a half hours. My sleep schedule is null again… I’m not sleeping hardly at all. So I think the combination of exhaustion and fresh air with the sun beating down was good for me. Oh, and I have to thank my Dad for being Chiricahua- that’s the only reason I don’t burn to a crisp, but get a nice tan instead. Haha!

I had physical therapy this morning. I was hurting rather badly before PT, so it didn’t help me at all. My back feels broken, even more so after exercising and strength training at PT. My PT did say that the new pain in my shoulder is due to the tendons in my AC joint, something about them sliding out of place and pinching and yada-yada. I see the surgeon again in a little less than two weeks, maybe she can explain it a little better. It’s all I can do not to yell at them, “You know what’s wrong, stop telling me about it and fix it!” It’s very frustrating. Next month, April, marks a year of this crap. I’m ready for it to be over, more than ready.

Finally, I must apologize for my lack of poems. I’ve been wanting to pen new ones but have simply been distracted with this gorgeous weather we’ve been having. They’re in my head, I just have to put them on paper. I’ll try to do better. For now, I’m going to go do some exercising. I definitely need to do a lot of that tonight after I ate that burger last night. Sigh. There’s always a price to pay.

I am still looking forward to seeing my psychotherapist tomorrow morning. AND getting my sutures out tomorrow!!!! I’m more excited about that than I probably should be.



{March 19, 2012}   I’m Caving In

I’ve been doing so well not eating crap and not eating when I don’t have to. But I got some new exercise toys today and have done quite a workout… now I’m going to ruin everything with a big juicy burger. Ugh. I have allowed myself to talk myself into it by saying, “It’s not fast food & it has protein”. I just know I’m going to pay for it, but if I don’t eat this now then I’ll go on a binge on something much more unhealthy soon. I guess you win some & you lose some. Sigh.

On a bright note: the weather is getting warmer, the snow is disappearing and I’m ready to get outside and start really exercising! I’m excited because there’s only so much you can do in your home if you don’t have a big fancy gym. And I don’t have a big fancy in-home gym :/

I definitely feel like I could skip my physical therapy in the morning with all of the exercises I did today. But I sure can use a good kneading to get rid of these knots in my neck and shoulder. I wish I could feel this good everyday. How awesome would that be. I even left my house to visit with my parents today. And it went well! I had a few beers and chatted with them for a couple of hours and then came home and busted my ass exercising. I think it will be an early bedtime tonight 🙂



{March 18, 2012}   What A Beautiful Day!

Wow, today was a gorgeous day! It was ninety-five degrees in the sun! Unreal for March in New England. I took full advantage of it: I cleaned my truck thoroughly which feels wonderful!!! And I sat outside on my deck and read some of my current book, “Tuesdays With Morrie” by Mitch Albom. I’m so excited for spring. I guess you could say that I have a touch of Spring Fever. Winter was mild, but too long just the same. I am ready for summer!

The Beautiful Mt. Washington!

 



et cetera