I want this for my front door and my truck (floor mats). This pretty much says it all. I have zero interest in social           interaction at this point.

{April 11, 2012}   What’s a Little Frustration?

FRUSTRATING. (corny, I know… you should hear my knock-knock jokes! Just kidding.)

I will be spending the majority of my day on the phone and at the hospital. Getting some health insurance is a bitch. It’s incredibly frustrating. You spend a lot of time on the phone talking to brain-dead people, who pass you on to a higher up brain-dead person, then you run around collecting letters and medical records and faxing them to the insurance office. Then you argue some more with the brain-dead people, who don’t return your phone calls and seem to be away from their desk an awful lot. Hmmm… wonder if I should use a “fake” name when I speak to the receptionist? Maybe that will get them on the phone.

“I think that the insane desire one has sometimes to bang and kick grumblers and peevish persons is a Divine instinct.”  ~Robert Hugh Benson

Anyway, my point is I want to strangle these people. I think for each person they deny insurance to, they should all go a week without their own insurance. Then they can experience the stress of having to pay an emergency room bill because they had no choice but to go. Then they could know what it feels like to need an emergency dental procedure, but not be able to have it done because they don’t have insurance. Or let them experience the frustrations associated with having to see an out-of-state cardiologist who wants $400.00 up front and then $50.00 per week until you’ve paid off the $3500.00 bill. These are all necessities that too many people go without. I think if the people who deny the insurance had to experience any of the above, then maybe they’d have some compassion for the less fortunate. The people who are forced to suffer because they have a disability of some type and cannot work a forty-five hour week just to get health benefits.

Argh. Okay, I’m done rambling for now. But only because I have to go sit on the phone and listen to elevator music all day. :/

No, I’m not pregnant. That would be impossible, trust me. However, for the last three or four days I’ve woken up sick to my stomach. I feel fine for the first five or ten minutes that I’m awake, but then severe nausea hits and I dry heave. Then I feel fine again (physically). I can only assume that it’s anxiety. I’ve been a little off lately and my session with my psychotherapist this morning proves that. I think I’ve only ever been anxious about seeing her the first two or three times I met with her. But this morning I was very anxious, I couldn’t stop shaking my leg and fiddling with my hands the entire session. I gave her the painting I did and she seemed like she really liked it… but why can’t I accept a compliment? I feel almost paranoid, like people give me compliments to build me up and then drop me hard. Maybe somewhere in my subconscious I’m thinking that if I don’t accept the compliments and allow myself to feel good about it, then I don’t risk being hurt? I’m not sure.

Back to how I’ve been a little “off” lately… I’m very irritable. The smallest thing like an old man driving ten miles per hour under the speed limit in front of me (when I’ve nowhere to go) pisses me off. The last two sessions of therapy found me to be bitchy, quiet and miserable. I don’t want to go anywhere or see anybody, but I don’t want to stay here. I want to sleep but I don’t want to have the dreams I’ve been having: people whispering about me while looking at me, getting text messages from my friends saying how selfish and miserable I am…

Today I feel hopeless, irreparable. I feel like no amount of medication or therapy will mend the broken, messed up person that I’ve become. Today… I don’t want to face today. I don’t want to be here.

{April 10, 2012}   *~Brave the Storm~*

Where I’ve been and where I’m going
They seem like the same place
The people I’ve known and people I meet
They all have the same face.

Mouths drooping with disappointment
They all disapprove of me
Eyebrows knitted together
They are all disgusted by me.

I’m a misfit, a failure
I have no job, no home, nor money
I live my life for other people
Hoping to receive their charity.

If I could just open up, like a butterfly
Leap and spread my wings;
If I could brave the storm, like the Robin
And find a reason to sing after the rain-

Then I could go somewhere different
Then I could finally be myself
Then I could dust off the real me
And I finally pull her off the shelf.

{April 9, 2012}   *~Breathe Me Life~*

Give my heart a beat
Put air in my lungs
Breathe life back into me.

I’ve been walking dead for so long
Crying, trembling, weak
Can’t remember ever being strong.

Now my heart has a rhythm
Though I haven’t perfected life yet-
Soon I will stand with the best of them.

Fresh air, now I can breathe
I’m on my way to living life
Thankful for a reason to believe.

{April 9, 2012}   *~Hate & Love~*

You hurt me
over and over
I’ll take your
pain with a
smile on my
face. I’ll kiss
your lips as
I imagine slapping
you in the
face, and  I’ll
sleep by your
side and dream
about the day
you die. I’ll
tell you I
love you and
that will be
the truth, but
the truth is
I can’t stand
you. I want
you with me,
I want you
gone. I want
you to be
happy, I want
you to be
miserable. I want
you to be
carefree, I want
you to feel
my pain. I
want you to
know what it’s
like to be
completely in love
with you. I
hate you, I
love you, I
hate myself for
needing you. You
hurt me over
and over, I’ll
take your pain
with a smile
on my face.

{April 9, 2012}   Can It Be That Simple?

If only it were this simple…

{April 8, 2012}   Staying Busy

I spent about seven and a half hours painting this from my heart. My psychotherapist asked me for a painting for her office a few weeks ago & when I finished this one, I realized it will be perfect for her office.

I think I will frame this and keep it for myself 🙂
I spent about four hours painting this.

I started Prozac yesterday. Yay me. It’s supposed to calm my moods down and ease my temper. I guess we’ll see what happens. They said it usually takes four to six weeks before you notice a difference.

On the other hand… I want to beat the shit out of my cousin who’s also a roommate. And I don’t have a very good reason. She pissed me off because she gave me a couple pairs of jeans a few months ago because I gained weight and can no longer fit in my jeans (sizes four-six). She gave me some size nines and they were a little loose on me but they were comfortable. This morning, she comes into my room (I hate people in my room) and takes the jeans back. So now I have to lose weight or walk around naked. I can afford to lose fifteen to twenty pounds, but it would be nice to have some pants until I drop the weight. Now I’m screwed. The worst part is that she thinks she can wear those size nines (they’re juniors), but she’s too heavy (185 lbs at 5’2”). So she really just took them back to be a bitch.
Oh, the pointless things I complain about. More often than not, I wish I could get away from myself. I can just imagine how the people around me feel. Eh.

On a positive note- I got rather drunk last night and I enjoyed every second of it. I love my wine. I slept like a rock and didn’t wake up until about noon time today. It was awesome. The pain in my body today tells me it was a bad idea, but I think it was worth it.

{April 6, 2012}   *~Slurred~*

I know I was drunk and it was probably slurred
But my words were unmistakable, I know you heard
I’m Honest Abe when I’ve tied a few on
I was talking through tears, confessing my love
But for you, nothing is ever enough
To you, I’m just another notch in your bed post
To me, you’re a memory, a living ghost
You turned your back on me and walked away
You didn’t hear what I came here to say
It took a lot of liquid courage to get me to this point
Oh, look at all of the people I’m going to disappoint
But I didn’t come here to cause you harm
No, I want you to hear about the hurt you caused my heart
I gave you everything I could, all you wanted
Now you think you can just go and leave me haunted?
I know if you see the pain in my eyes
You’ll think it over and change your mind
Could we ever let this go and love the same?
You cast a spell on me in your own magical way
You lassoed my heart and pulled me into you
How could I ever have known it would end so soon?
I don’t want you back, I don’t want to start anew
I only want to know why, I want an explanation?
How did our love, like a bruised apple, turn so rotten?


et cetera