notokinthehead











{May 22, 2012}   *~ Violence In My Heart ~*

The violence you cause within my heart
It’s almost unbearable, I love it
It’s like I’m knee-deep and drowning-
You have only water to offer me

You’re the salt in my wounds
Holding me up, only to push me down
You’ve turned me into a masochist
I can’t get enough of your painful inflictions

It’s a game, neither of us will fold
Striving to out-do one another
In the process, we get shot in the foot
Like a cigarette, I need to give you up
I don’t want to die the slow, painful death
Like alcohol, I need to walk away from you
You twist my reality until I can’t see the truth

It’s not a game, it’s real-life
If we don’t quit now, we’ll pay with our lives
It’s not worth it, to try and avoid loneliness
For I’ve never felt so alone as I do with you
I’ve got to stand on my own two feet
Walk with my head held high and rid myself of
The violence you cause within my heart…



{May 21, 2012}   ! STRESS ! ANXIETY !

I’m super-stressed out right now. I’m really not sure why. My body is in a giant knot of pain and I want to block everybody out. I’m did get to spend some time with friends last night and today and that was nice. I also got to spend a lot of time in the sun today. But for some reason none of that matters because my stress and anxiety level are so high right now. My pager went off for Fire/Rescue and I about went though the roof because I’m so on edge. It wouldn’t be so bad if I could put my finger on what’s wrong, what’s causing me to feel this way. I guess because then I could fix it. Anxiety should come with an instruction booklet.

I may have to shut the world out for a few days, concentrate only on myself and my job with the Fire/Rescue Dept. That may be a large part of my problem: I get too caught up in other people’s lives and forget about my own.

I need a “me” day.



{May 19, 2012}   Eerily Quiet

So far it’s been quiet around here this weekend… too quiet. The only call we’ve had since Wednesday morning was a lift assist for a seventy-three year old man at quarter to four this morning. A couple of our guys are gone for the weekend, so our department is spread a little thin… where’s the big one? We all know it’s going to happen, we just have to sit and wait for it.

Some rather exciting news for me: I have started driving the Ambulance! I’m pretty psyched about it, even though I would prefer to respond direct with my own truck. It feels good when people give you responsibility, it means they trust you and your judgement. It feels very good.

This afternoon will take me to the Cemetery where we will bury my Great-Aunt Ellen. She passed away from cancer on Tuesday morning. She would be turning one-hundred years old in September. I think she lived a pretty full life. She survived two marriages, both of which her husbands passed away. Can you imagine?

That brings me to my last little ramble… I live in a very small town. I was literally born at the fire station that I’m now working for. I’ve been here my entire life. So, it’s just a matter of time before we get a call to respond to one of my family members for an emergency. I’m not looking forward to that day at all.



{May 17, 2012}   Busy, Busy, Busy

I’ve been on several calls this week:

1. Plane Crash

2. 57 yo Male bleeding from the eyes, nose and mouth

3. Carbon Monoxide (made me sick, ugh)

4. Psycho lady who overdosed on sleeping meds and then proceeded to kick, punch and spit at us.

 

It’s been a busy week, but I wouldn’t have it any other way 🙂   I’m really enjoying being on the Rescue squad. I’m psyched for whatever comes at us next!



{May 14, 2012}   I’m Back

Wow, it’s been awhile. I apologize. I’ve been busy with the fire/rescue thing. We actually had a small, single engine plane crash yesterday. Exciting stuff.

There’s been a lot going on. I am no longer seeing my psychotherapist (my fault- I should be seeing her), I’ve been training hard for fire & rescue and I’m possibly moving… again. It sucks not having a permanent place to stay. Hopefully I can settle down soon. I also had a psychological evaluation the other day- I showed up wearing my slippers. The psychologist asked me, “Do you always leave the house in your slippers?”. I was like, “huh?”. I looked down at my feet and my face turned beet-red. I was so embarrassed that I forgot to put my shoes on because I was in a hurry and running late.

I got my back and neck realigned. Well, partially. It was difficult for me to relax and let the doctor fix me without all the drugs, but I don’t want the drugs. I really want to straighten out. I’ve been very stressed out lately but I haven’t “lost” it. I’ve kept it together, for the most part. My anxiety is is at a sky-high level, but I’m sure the stress is making it worse.

Now the sad part… I feel (and I could be being irrational) that now that I’m starting to get my life together and I’m going in a ‘good’ direction with everything that I’m losing my friends. Example: since I joined the fire/rescue, my “best friend” has talked to me like three times and twice it was through text. Also, I’d expect the people close to me to be proud of me for getting my shit together and doing something good with myself, but I’ve gotten very little recognition for it. That hurts. A lot.

Ugh, anyway, I’m going to do my best to keep up with my blog. I apologize in advance for any future slacking on my part.



{May 6, 2012}   ~*Stolen Moments~*

Artwork by Sam Harrison

Like a thief in the night
Stealing every moment
Not wanting one to go by
I want to stay like this forever
Locked within your arms
Wrapped up in your laughter.

Feeling so safe with you
I don’t want to ever let you go
I revolve around everything you do
I pray the sun won’t rise
For then you’ll have to leave
I just want to stay lost in your eyes.

Daylight comes much too soon
Not enough time for us to be together
Before you have to leave this room
You’ll go back to your life
Pretending to be what you’re not
For you, these tears I cry.

Just a little more time, you say
And you’ll tell your truths
I wonder, will we ever see that day?
Until then, we’re like thieves in the night
Stealing each and every moment
Not wanting to let one pass us by…



{May 4, 2012}   Stop and Stare

This is me today :/



Like the wind,
I am changing
direction.
For better or worse,
I’m traveling a
new path of
courage and
will power. I
will go where
this road leads
me, I will find
what is meant
to be. Where I
will end up,
I can’t be sure,
but I will be a
better person, and
that’s a certainty.
I will jump the
hurdles with all
I have, I will glide
through the calm,
thankful for the breath.
I will fight to the
bitter end, just to
show you that
I can. I am jumping
in, head-first, and
if I’m in over my
head, then I
will learn to swim
with the best.
I’m going to
make it yet.



{May 4, 2012}   What A Loser

I talked to my psychotherapist on the phone this morning. I told her I hadn’t called to reschedule because I broke our “deal”- I stopped taking my meds. I don’t know why, but even though I knew she wouldn’t see me anymore when I stopped taking my meds, it kind of hit me hard actually hearing her say it. At least I knew what was coming, right?

I’m still enjoying being on the rescue squad. We had a three hour meeting/training session last night, and then I left the station and went straight to the bar. I am exhausted this morning… and dying of pain. I had to get up early this morning to see a doctor to relocate my rib and realign my back. I sat in his waiting room for an hour and a half and then the receptionist told me I had to reschedule for next week. I’ve already waited three weeks because he was on vacation! The down-side to living in a small town is there’s literally one doctor for each specialty and even then you have to drive an hour and a half or more for anything serious. We have shit for doctors around here. Ugh.

I always try to end a post on a good note: My brother has told me he is proud of me joining the rescue squad and he’s even been confiding in me about a girl he’s into. I’m ecstatic that I’m becoming close with my brother once again. I don’t know if I mentioned it before, but he’s a firefighter in the same town/department that I just joined. The Chief is thrilled to have a brother/sister team. I really hope that this is good for me. Fingers crossed.



{May 2, 2012}   Just Relax!

Easy to say but almost impossible to accomplish, if you’re like me. Taking on this job with my local rescue department has started to heighten my anxiety. I was all kinds of excited about it, but now I’m very nervous and anxious about it. Sure, it’s normal to be nervous when you begin any new job, but being part of a rescue team seems to be much more nerve wracking. Don’t get me wrong, I still want to do it very much. I just wish I could see my therapist and have someone to talk to about all of this. It’s quite stressful to head in a completely different direction with your life, especially if the direction you choose is to save other people’s lives. I have thought about backing out and giving up on this dream, but I know that would lead me nowhere. I guess I feel like I need someone to help me along, tell me I can do it, encourage me and be there when I need someone to talk to.

I have a doctor’s appointment on Friday to get my back and neck realigned, as well as get my rib relocated. I know it will be good once it’s over with, but I have the hardest time relaxing so he can manipulate me. Usually it takes many drugs, muscle relaxers and pain killers of every kind, before he can work with me. At this point, I’m sore all over, and it’s not just from my back being out of alignment. My entire body hurts. A large part of my pain, I know, is from holding the stress in my shoulders and back. I just can’t seem to allow myself to relax, to let things go. Yet another reason I could really use a friend to talk to, to vent to, to release the stress and anxiety I feel so often.

I’m actually surprised I’ve written this much tonight. I’ve been on two rescue calls today and I’m exhausted. The rush of the adrenaline and then the fast calm to follow seems to drain me of the energy that I don’t have. It’s an amazing feeling, to be rushing to someone’s aide, to know you can comfort that person. For once, I am confident that I have made the right decision for myself. It feels good, great actually. I could just use a little guidance along the way to help keep me from getting discouraged and beating up on myself. I’ll admit that it feels strange to me to say what I need, even here on my blog, because I’m always taking care of other people and their needs. I neglect myself. There, I said it.

Now it’s off to bed for me.



et cetera