notokinthehead











{July 31, 2012}   Anger

I feel explosive. It has to be a combination of things. Probably lack of sleep, the constant pain I’m in, stress over my impending exams and spending every free second I get being hounded by a six year old. I have the overwhelming urge to pummel the shit out of something with my fists. I’m mad, pissed off. Really, really, really angry. I don’t want to go to school and I don’t want to come home. I guess I’m feeling a lot of pressure in many different areas of my life at this point and I’m breaking down. The smallest thing is going to come along and I’m going to hit breaking point. PLEASE DON’T LET IT HAPPEN IN CLASS!!!



{July 31, 2012}   Beyond Busy

I have been so totally, unbelievably busy. I’ve been in class now for two weeks. My class is Monday through Fridays, five days per week AND Mondays and Wednesdays are eight in the morning until eight in the evening (twelve hours). Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays class begins at eight in the morning and ends at six in the evening. That’s… (sadly I need my calculator)… That’s fifty-four hours per week. THEN… on top of class, I have clinicals every weekend where I ride with local ambulance companies and get to employ my skills.

I am worn out. By the time I get home in the evenings I have no brain power left to study. I am convinced that I WILL fail the practical and CBT exams. To be completely honest, I am fighting with all of my might to NOT throw my hands up and give up. Oh, but how easy it would be to conveniently forget to set my alarm for five-thirty in the morning and sleep through half of the day… resulting in my expulsion from the class because punctuality and attendance are mandatory.

I’m trying. I’m done with clinicals and I even did extra time for extra credit so I will have this weekend to study, study, study. And maybe study a little more after that. There are only four days of class left, then testing begins. Oh God, please wish me luck!

On a side note: How I wish I had time in my week to see my therapist! I could really use her encouragement right about now!



{July 20, 2012}  

From my other blog, Lady EMT.

Lady EMT

Class started Tuesday, two days ago. Already, I can confidently perform CPR, use an AED, provide traction for an open fracture, splint sprains and fractures, assess patients thoroughly, manage airways and provide wound care (stop bleeding, etc). I’ve learned so much in three days that I can’t imagine what will come in the next three and a half weeks!

I’m having a great time becoming an EMT and learning how to handle crisis situations.

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{July 16, 2012}   Getting Nervous

My EMT class starts tomorrow and I’m getting nervous. Crazy thoughts keep going through my mind like: Once I’m certified, peoples lives will be in my hands. What if I screw up and do more harm than good? What if I overlook the smallest thing and the patient pays the price?

I wonder if this is normal for soon-to-be EMTs? At this point I’m lacking the confidence that it’s going to take to be a good EMT. Or student, for that matter. I’m told the class that I’m attending is a large one with a lot of students. That makes me nervous, I do better in more intimate settings. I’m praying that I can keep my anxiety at bay so I can get through this class.

On the bright side I see my psychotherapist this morning, so I think our forty-five minutes will be dedicated to calming my nerves and anxiety and pep-talks. So far everybody on the department and most everybody in my family believes in me and supports me in this new venture. I guess I worry about letting them down. What if I don’t pass my clinical? Or practicals or CBTs? I have it in my mind that the testing is a one-shot deal, but in reality you can keep doing the testing until you pass it. But if I fail the first time, does that mean I’m not cut out for being an EMT?

Oh the questions and worries!



{July 14, 2012}  

Lady EMT

I’m beginning an EMT training course in three days! 🙂   I’m very excited and a little bit nervous about it. I guess I fear letting my coworker’s down, who keep telling me how great I’m going to do and that I’m a natural. The course I’m taking is actually a Wilderness Emergency Medical Technician training course. It’s everything you’d learn in a typical EMT course with the addition of how to do it in the wilderness. While enrolled in the course, if there are any missing or injured hikers all of us students will participate in the rescue efforts. I’m hoping that doesn’t happen simply because I’m NOT an outdoorsy type.

So pretty soon (within the next month and a half) I will be able to legitimately change my about page to say that I AM an EMT. I don’t know if I’ll ever be a lady, though.

I will…

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{July 12, 2012}   Five Days :)

I will begin my EMT class in FIVE days!!! I’m super excited about it. I love being on the Fire/Rescue Department, but once I take the class I’ll be actually be able to DO something more than paperwork and gofer-work. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but I’m already considering taking more classes after this one so I can keep working my way up in the EMT world. The class I’m going to start next week is for EMT-B (Basic) and that certification is very limited in what it will allow me to do for patient care. So my next step would be EMT-I (Intermediate), which would allow me to do a bit more for patient care. The ultimate goal would be EMT-Medic, which is a paramedic, which would allow me to do SOOO much more for patient care, IV’s, Medication, Intubation, etc.

Like I said, I don’t want to get ahead of myself though. Let’s just focus on my immediate task: EMT-B.

Update on my brother: I spent the day with him yesterday, they did another surgery and inserted a drain in his rectum to drain the fluid from his pelvis. He’s feeling a lot better now. He has color back in his face, he’s eating, his fever is gone and his pain level has decreased significantly. We were thinking he may be home today, but it’s looking like they may keep him still and leave the drain in a little while longer.



{July 11, 2012}   First Transport: Success!!!

20:15

Roll off the ramp with crew of three.

20:29

Arrive at hospital.

20:48

Load patient (my brother) and depart hospital, en route to bigger, better hospital.

22:45

Unload patient at ED of bigger, better hospital. We got him settled into his new room and gave him a pep talk and went on our way.

01:05

Back at the station.

Update on our patient:

He is resting comfortably waiting for the surgeon to insert a drainage tube into his abdomen. His belly is full of fluids, resulting in his small intestine being very inflamed and irritated and he has a lot of pain. I talked to my brother this morning and he’s hoping to come home today, though I think they will probably have him stay there at least one more night. I’m headed over there in just a little bit to see him.



{July 10, 2012}   First Transport

Tuesday, 07/10/2012

17:04

I may be driving in my first transport this evening or early tomorrow morning. That should be good news for me, right? Here’s the catch: My brother is the patient. Normally the Fire/Rescue Company I work for would not do transports, however where my brother is a firefighter for the same department, we will do the transport. I will be driving and two of our EMT’s will be on board. We just have to wait for the other hospital to have a bed open up.

So, needless to say my first transport will be memorable. I’ll never forget who it was for for or where it was to or from.

Wish me luck!!! And please pray for my brother’s speedy, full recovery.



{July 9, 2012}   Nice, Relaxing Day

I spent a few hours poolside today, reading a book and taking a dip every once in awhile. It was nice, I was all by myself. No stress, no anxiety, no one to please but myself. Believe it or not, I find it more difficult to please myself than to please other people. It always feels like I should be doing something productive rather than catering to myself and my needs. I have a little bit of a pink hue, compliments of the sun and water, and the cross of my necklace left a nice white shadow in the center of my chest.

I had fluid withdrawn from my shoulder joint last Monday (a week ago today) and I got four injections of cortisone in that joint. I was in a lot of pain for the first three days after the procedure, but once the “bruised” feeling went away my shoulder felt great. And it still does. I have almost full range of motion without any pain. I first noticed this when I was laying in bed and I reached to pull the covers over me and I didn’t jump out of my skin in pain. 🙂

I should probably add that I was actually able to get some sleep last night. Sleep makes a HUGE difference in mood and functionality.

Now an update on my brother who had his appendices out last Monday:

His girlfriend had to take him back to the emergency room Saturday night because he was vomiting green bile, in a lot of pain and on the brink of fainting. The doctor admitted him for the night and did all kinds of blood tests and cultures. He’s been in the hospital since Saturday night and they just go the results of the labs and cultures back this morning. His appendices were bad for awhile and had leaked E Coli into his stomach cavity, causing his small intestine and colon to become inflamed and irritated. They now have him on intravenous antibiotics and he will continue to stay at the hospital for the next four to five days minimum.

It’s incredibly hard for me to see my big brother, who’s always been the strong one, laid up in a hospital bed hooked up to all kinds of machines. I can just imagine how it feels for him to be there. Praying for a speedy recovery and that everything turns out well for him.



So my Orthopedist (knowing me so well) told me to turn my pager off for the next seven to ten days until my shoulder has a chance to heal. She knows that I will go running if I get a call. So… I didn’t turn my pager off. I can’t. I can’t let myself skip out on calls. Fire/EMS is the one thing I have going right now. Without it I have nothing, nothing except moving, which I can’t do for at least a week. There haven’t been any calls since the accident that happened in front of me yesterday morning and the morbid side of me is praying for a call. Specifically a medical aid. I live for this job, I love it. I want to do it all day, every day and every night. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on your view, the town I live in is pretty quiet. Sometimes we can go for a week without a single call, other times we have three or four in one day.

Strangely, it’s almost like I have to prove myself: I’m injured and recovering from a procedure that has rendered my right arm useless and left me in excruciating pain because I refused any pain meds , but I can still help people, I can still do my job! Or maybe I’m just rebelling against my orthopedist?

All I know is I’m itching for a call and a distraction.



et cetera