{August 11, 2012}   Journal 8.11.12

Saturday August 11, 2012   12:20pm


I just got my lazy ass up about an hour ago. We had a call a little after four this morning and it was a long one. When I finally got back to bed, exhausted, I couldn’t fall asleep. So I took some Ativan and then slept too long… that is how I’m justifying my laziness today.

Mom’s going through another one of her cycles and today she’s really depressed, so she’s snapping at us and the animals and she’s sleeping a lot. Dad is frustrated and pissed. It’s not a very nice household today. Dad’s also not happy about me sleeping so late… I’m holed up in “my room”. However, hiding away will probably just piss him off even more.

There is no winning in this house. You get a load of shit if you’re in the way and you get a load of shit if you stay out of the way. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

{August 11, 2012}   Journal 8.10.12

Friday August 10, 2012     9:55pm


I’ve been feeling crappy and my body has been hurting quite a bit. As a result I’ve been super cranky and easily set off. I’ve been taking two to five milligrams of Ativan every day.

I’ve opted out of cleaning this weekend. I nee some recovery time. I’ve been overwhelmed with class, family problems and calls at three in the morning. I’m tired. I feel like I need to stop and catch my breath before I fall again. The way I’ve felt for the past two to three weeks, it wouldn’t take much to push me over the edge and send me down that familiar slippery slope. Cheers to finally being able to recognize the signs!



{August 10, 2012}   A Little Bit of Good News

I passed my Practical Examination yesterday! With flying colors!  🙂

The exam included: Patient Assessment, Cardiac Arrest Management, Airway Management, Short Boarding and Splinting.

Now all I have to do is pass the dreaded NR-EMT exam (National Registry for EMT’s exam) and I will be an EMT!

The funny thing is, I thought I would feel different, smarter, more important, like I have some kind of meaning. But I don’t. I don’t feel any different now than I did two months ago before I started taking the class. The only thing different is that everybody is “so proud” of me. I’ve gotten a lot of support from the guys at my Fire Dept, but my family… eh, they don’t seem to care. And that is discouraging.

{August 8, 2012}   Failure?



I tanked my national exam. I am so pissed right now. I can retake it, however it will cost me near one hundred dollars and I have to wait until the twenty-second of this month before I’m eligible to retest.

My honest feelings right now (excuse the self-pity and language): I feel like a worthless piece of shit who can’t do ANYTHING.

What sucks so much is I know my stuff! I just suck at taking tests, and you have to pass the exam to prove that you know your stuff.

{August 7, 2012}   Surprise!

I was supposed to take my National EMT Registry exam on Friday. During lunch time today I was informed that I would be taking the exam TODAY at four-thirty. Panic set in real quick. The next three and a half hours were miserable with worry and anxiety. I have taken so much Ativan today that I should probably be comatose right now, but here I am. I took the exam. I’m pretty sure I tanked it. I don’t have a good feeling about it at all. During the test I wasn’t confident about any of my answers. I’m still not confident that I answered them correctly. I am confident, however, that I FAILED the exam. I’m pretty upset about it, even though I don’t know for sure. I won’t get my results until tomorrow or Thursday, but I’m so convinced that I tanked it that I’m not anxious about the results. There’s no doubt in my mind that I flunked it.

So basically I just feel like crap now.

{August 6, 2012}   Excerpt From My Journal

Monday, 8/6/12  12:50pm

I’m sitting in class now. We have one and a half days of class left now and I am burnt out! I’m cranky, tired and I can’t stand anyone. I chose to sit in the far back of the room today where no one else is. I think “the straw that broke the camel’s back” was the kid sitting next to me- he apparently doesn’t know what deodorant is and he is convinced that you can still breathe when you don’t have a pulse/heartbeat!

Overall, class is going well. I love the instructors, Josh and Bryan, and the information is very interesting to me. To be completely honest, though, I’d rather be the only student in the class. There’s a lot of touchy-feely crap involved in the training and I don’t trust my fellow students.
Today is OB- the delivery and complications of delivering babies. Fuck that. Childbirth is supposed to be the most natural thing in the world, but it doesn’t look very “natural” to me! I find it difficult to believe that any woman could survive birthing. By far the worst subject we have touched on yet.

et cetera