{September 30, 2012}   I Went Out Last Night

Yep, I did. I went with two friends to see Saving Abel in concert. It was pretty amazing! We were so close we were against the stage and we got two guitar pics, one set list and we bumped fists with the lead guitarist several times! What a blast! Before the concert we went into a bar that just happened to be a lesbian bar… haha. THAT was cool, I’ve never been in one before and everybody was so chill. I had a shot of Southern Comfort with lime and a beer because I had to drive home, so I couldn’t get drunk :/ . The other awesome thing about going to the concert is we were so far away from home that I was able to be myself! I danced for (I think) the first time in my life. It was GREAT.

We got home around three this morning and I slept like a baby. Another good consequence of going out last night.

I feel good this morning. What a foreign, but good, feeling!

{September 28, 2012}   *~Dusty Road~*

Dusty Road,

how did you know

my tears dried up

so very long ago?

You’re a reflection of my soul

full of gravel and holes,

I march on ahead

just another bump in the road.


I’ve done some terrible things,

said some awful words,

now I must be going

for the loved ones I’ve hurt.

I pushed them all away,

punished them with my anger,

my own selfish ways

have sent me here.


Oh, dusty road

don’t you know

my tears dried up

so very long ago?

{September 28, 2012}   *~Another Like You~*

My heart swells when I see you
My arms ache to embrace you
But I know I can never be with you
Your heart has been taken by another
Of her you dream, and no other
I go out of my way to see you, but why bother?
Oh, of all the feelings we share
You’ll never see how much I care
But you’ll notice me everywhere
Trying to catch a glimpse of you
Trying to make you feel the way I do
I’ll walk on by, but there will never be another like you…

{September 28, 2012}   Journal Excerpt From 9/27/12


Short EMS meeting tonight. “M” brought “L” by too. She’s a paramedic from a local transport service & the Town of “C”. She has volunteered her time to help “Z” & I with our National Registry testing.

“Maura” messaged me today. We had a short fling when she was my physical therapist. Anyway, she’s coming up here next weekend and wants to get together. She’s bringing her new boyfriend…

“Ash” came over this morning and took me out to lunch. We had a nice time. It’s too bad that she and my brother broke up, she fits so well in the family and she’s my age, so our maturity levels are about the same. It’s just nice to have someone to joke around with and talk with.

The more I get “out there”, the more I want to hole up. It’s exhausting.



“Ash” just messaged me- she wants to take me to see Saving Abel in concert Saturday night. I guess she asked my brother about it first and he told her I’d like it, so she bought the tickets already. I can’t really say no, so I’m trying t be open-minded about it. Trying not to dread it, though I like Saving Abel. I just don’t like being in crowds. Or leaving my home, really.

There seems to be a lot happening all at once. It hasn’t really begun yet and I already feel overwhelmed and a bit anxious. I think my mind is most occupied with “Maura’s” visit. I’d love to see her, but it’s going to drag up old feelings and I think it’s just be weird with her new boyfriend there.



Tonight’s song just happens to be by Saving Abel:

{September 27, 2012}   *~Changed~*

I have looked
closely at death.
Turned it over
in my hands,
embraced it,
hated it,
held onto it,
pushed it away.
I’ve looked forward
to it, run
toward it, cried
over it, fled
from it. I’ve
seen first-hand
how it changes
things, it changes
people, it has
changed me. I’ve
pondered the choices,
all the different
ways, modes and
methods. I’ve dreamed
about it, fantasized
about it, hoped
for it. In
the end, decided
it wasn’t worth

I look closely
at death, these
poor souls who
were left no
choice. I’ve turned
them over in
my hands, embraced
them, hated it
for them, held
onto them and
even pushed them
away, as if
death were a
disease. I’ve seen
first-hand how
it changes things,
it changes people,
it has changed

I stumbled across this little video clip the other night and, being a huge fan of Ellen DeGeneres, had to watch it. I’m glad I did, because I really needed a laugh and this will make you laugh!






{September 24, 2012}   Excerpt From My Journal 9/24/12


I woke up around four-thirty this morning with an awful spasm down the entire right side of my back. I tried stretching and heat to no avail. It’s still killing me. It’s not so bad if I bend to my right and don’t move.

I’ve had a really shitty day. There’s no explanation for it, really. That’s just how I feel: Low. Bad in general. I guess you could say “depressed”. This is a bad time of year for me, but I must think subconsciously it will be different this year, because I never anticipate it, it just happens.

I was able to get my Flector patches from the pharmacy today, which are supposed to help the inflammation and pain in my shoulder. However, they still did not have my Ativan and I’m super anxious and fragile as a stick of dynamite. Let’s hope I’m able to avoid people for the most part until I can get it.

The Fire Department scheduled me for a physical next week. It’s a requirement, per the State, and I also have to get a bunch of immunizations. Fortunately, I’m always at the top of the list for vaccinations such as H1N1 due to my cardiac issues. Ugh, who am I kidding? It’s going to suck. I fail miserably at finding the silver lining in anything. Especially as of late.

{September 23, 2012}   Excerpt From My Journal- 9/23/12


03:19- My pager goes off. Six year old, high fever, vomiting, asthma, convulsing. Good one. Except we cleared the scene by 03:32 and dispatch didn’t release us until 04:52. Then I come home to out CO (carbon monoxide) detector screeching and Mom and Dad sleeping through it. I woke them up, checked everything out & let them go back to bed once it got below 70ppm. Now I can’t sleep so I’m not even going to try. It bothers me that Mom and Dad slept through the ear-piercing screeching of that CO detector- it’s right outside of their bedroom door and I heard it when I drove in the driveway. That’s scary. They were both A+OX4 and claimed to have no symptoms… but how long was it going off for? I was gone for a little over an hour and a half. What if I had gone on transport?


Update 13:25pm

I finally gave in and passed out around 08:45am. I couldn’t take it any longer. I may have been okay if I’d gone to bed before 01:30am, but I didn’t. I needed the sleep. Later today I will be driving the largest fire truck we have and that’s no easy feat. That will finish up my training for EVOS (Emergency Vehicle Operations and Safety) and I’ll have yet another certificate to add to the stack. I guess that’s a good thing. I just have no interest in the fire fighting, I’m more than happy to stick with the ambulance.

{September 20, 2012}   My Mad Season

Song of the day:


et cetera