notokinthehead











{September 20, 2012}   Break Ups

Ever had a break-up with your best friend? I had a falling out with mine a few months ago and it still bothers me. Mostly because she’s vicious and miserable and is still trying to pin me for things I never said or did. It’s sad that someone can be that miserable, isn’t it?

So, am I the only one who attaches break-up songs to the feelings I have about a best friend break-up? I have to laugh at it.

 



{September 19, 2012}   *~Sorry, Maybe~*

Talking to me
is like rolling
the dice. What
will you get?
Will I be
angry or nice?
I couldn’t tell
you, just know
it has nothing
to do with
you. It’s all
about me, me,
me. I’m out
of control, on
a rampage at
times, crying at
others. I will
yearn for your
hug, then turn
around and slap
you. It’s not
me, it’s the
demons that reside
within my crazy
mind. I’m so
sorry if I
hurt you, I
don’t want to.
My words are
sweet at best,
sting like a
white-ass hornet
when I lose
it. I can
promise you this:
This hurts me
more than any
attack I could
break out on
you.

Maybe it’s a
little too late
to ask for
your patience, your
forgiveness. Maybe you
could never understand,
try as you
might. Maybe I
was meant to
push people away
from me. Maybe
my apologies are
worn out, spoken
too many times
with no change
to prove my
repentance. Maybe I
can be a
better person? Though
I won’t ask
you to hold
your breath for
me. I want
To be “average”.
I want to
keep my promises,
be sincere with
my “sorries”. I
don’t want to
be crazy anymore…



{September 19, 2012}   Temper? CHECK.

Wow.

I’ve been out of my medicine since Thursday and I just got into a fight with my mother.

I may have completely destroyed the kitchen.

I might feel bad later because the six year old was there and it scared her.

Right now I don’t care.

I’m writing this because I’m trying to refrain from causing more damage.

My temper is completely out of hand and I need my meds bad.

The pain I am constantly in isn’t helping matters, either.

I’m pretty well fed up with just about everything.

I need to find ground.



{September 19, 2012}   To-Do List One Mile Long

Oh the stresses!

I saw a doctor again this morning and she told me my Scoliosis is getting worse and that it’s causing my upper body to fall out of “balance”. Thank you twisted, bent and curved spine for all of this pain! I will go see her again in two weeks for another adjustment to my back… or entire body, really.

I received a notice in the mail about my court date: November 15th. I immediately called my attorney in a panic to find out if I HAVE to attend the hearing. Unfortunately I do. Of course I am now in a permanent state of panic and anxiety.

I had to call my psychotherapist to see if she would be a “good advocate” for my court hearing. She didn’t answer so I’m anxiously waiting for her to call back. Another reason I want to talk to her: I responded to a call the other night that is bothering me very much. We had to have a police escort to the scene: a twenty-one year old female was violently physically and sexually assaulted and the perp was still on the loose, on foot, in the area. What disturbed me so much about it, and I know well that I am not here to judge my patients, is being the only female responder I was the one to provide care to this patient. As I spoke with her and took care of her she kept smiling an evil smile and laughing. I know this girl, I went to school with her, and there’s nothing mentally wrong with her. She was beaten up, but being a survivor of sexual assault myself, I am having a difficult time dealing with her reaction. This call has been weighing heavily on my mind…

I also had to call a psychologist’s office to request a copy of a psychological evaluation that I had done several months ago. Surprise- no answer! So I’m still waiting to get a call back on that.

AND in less than an hour I have to go get the kids from daycare.

What I really wanted to do today: NOTHING. I wanted to lay in bed or lounge around and try to relax some. But that thought went to hell at 8:30am when my pager went off for an MVA involving a utility pole. Don’t worry, the drunk took off on foot, he wasn’t hurt.



{September 18, 2012}   Not Sure What This Is…?

Here’s a little… something. Ramble maybe?

 

Tip toeing through the dark tunnels in my mind

Each corridor appearing the same as the last

At each turn there’s carnival mirrors looming larger than life

Instead of me, I see monstrous reflections of you

I try to run, to look outside, but a veil covers my eyes

I’m stuck in this dark place, alone with you once again

I want to break the mirrors but there’s a force field of emotion, protection…



{September 16, 2012}   Can’t Concentrate

I feel a bit depressed today.

Actually, I’ve felt quite depressed for a few days.

I can’t seem to concentrate on anything.

                                      My mind is a little bit all over the place.

Try as I may, I cannot get it to settle.

I am unhappy with myself, though I can’t pin-point why exactly.

I have rearranged my place three times in two days, or three times yesterday.

Today I didn’t do anything.

The only time I’ve stepped outdoors today was for a quick smoke to calm my nerves.

Calm them from what?!

I watched TV for hours, though it went no further than a reflection in my eyes.

I played around on the computer for hours, but I don’t remember what I did.

I haven’t slept in days, despite the medications I’ve tried.

What is going on and why can’t I make it stop?!?!



{September 16, 2012}   Her Battles

She fights the battles every day-  who she was, what she did, what was done to her. She was happy-go-lucky, naive, the world was hers. She hung around with all of the wrong people, drank alcohol to excess- a drunk and stoned fifteen year old on the fast track to self-destruction. A man took advantage of her innocence, her desire to try everything once. She was broken. She was exiled by her own family. She was lost.

 

Today she’s looking back at the memories and thinking about how far she’s come. Today she’s down-to-earth, but happy none the less. Today she knows the world is hers, but she knows how to use it, not let it use her. Today she makes it her life to save others lives. Today she lives for the moment, amongst those who truly care for her, and who she truly cares for.

Today she knows who she is. She knows where she belongs. She knows life was meant to live.



{September 14, 2012}   ~*9/11*~

River of blood

at my feet,

the tears of

those who weep

for loved ones

lost too soon,

today’s biggest tragedy.

That fateful day

saw too many

called home to

God, receiving their

brand new wings.

So many more

lost since then:

brothers and sisters,

mother’s and fathers-

all sent to

watch over us…



{September 5, 2012}   Being Ill Sucks

I’ve been feeling under the weather now for about a week. Yesterday I went to my back doctor, finally, and she was able to relieve some of my pain. However, I’m still sick. I’m not sure what it is but I’ve vomited a few times, have had diarrhea for three days straight, an awful headache and all I want to do is sleep. Sleep, sleep, sleep, and then sleep a little more. I know sleeping is the body’s way of resting, which is why we sleep so much when we are ill, but there are things I need to get done and places I have to go. Today is my parent’s TWENTY-FIFTH anniversary. And I’m still sick.

Being ill is also majorly depressing. Ugh.

 



{September 1, 2012}   Absent

I’ve been absent and neglecting my writing for a few days. I’ve actually been sleeping a lot. My body has kind of given me a schedule to follow since I’ve been in so much pain: Wake up, coffee, take a Trama-dol, read for a while or do my errands, take a nap for a couple of hours, wake up, coffee, read for awhile, Trama-dol, Citalopram, Ativan and Bystolic and then go to bed. My days are quite uneventful, but I think rest and (attempted) relaxation is what my body wants right now. My level of depression has definitely increased over the last two weeks.

This Tuesday will find me in a new D.O.’s office. This D.O. comes highly recommended and treats the body as a whole, not just what ails you. She also has a way to get my medical insurance to pay for massage therapies that will loosen my muscles up so that my bones will hopefully stop jumping out of joint. This new doctor almost sounds too good to be true. Let’s pray that is not the case!!!



et cetera