notokinthehead











{October 31, 2012}   It’s All Good

It’s just one of those crappy days. There’s nothing going on and no one to do nothing with (nobody I want to do nothing with, that is). Adam wants me to go over to his apartment and pay with his cats. That sounds like loads of fun… but I think I’ll pass.

Happy Halloween, everyone!



{October 30, 2012}   Sandy Was Good To Us

Queens, NY. Reported over 80 homes burned flat.

Sandy was pretty good to us here in Northern New England. I was out straight from about five o’clock yesterday afternoon until about ten o’clock this morning chasing fire alarms and cutting trees out of roadways. We lost power two different times, but as far as I know, Sandy didn’t wreak too much havoc in my area. In fact I think Sandy’s biggest accomplishment in this area was managing to keep every first responder, Firefighter and EMT on their toes and sleep deprived. But that’s nothing compared to what she did in New York and New Jersey. The officials in New York are comparing Sandy’s wrath to that of 9/11 (damage-wise). We had an LODD in Connecticut yesterday- praying for God’s speed and his family.

Atlantic City, NJ

Everyone has a long road to haul now that Sandy has come and gone.

As for me personally, I did a damned good job of tying everything down and preparing for Sandy. The only evidence of her being at my house is the flooding and the mess of branches and leaves. We only got about 2.5″ of rain and 52mph wind gusts. It looks like the kids will still get to have their Halloween tomorrow night!

Good riddance, Frankenstorm!

Now I’m off to recuperate and try to get some much-needed sleep! My body is killing me.



Is there a more appropriate song? Tonight is a full moon, Hurricane Sandy is getting ready to bear down on us and we just had an earthquake a few weeks ago. Jamming to this song today!



{October 29, 2012}   Natural Disasters

I’m a disaster. I’m not sure how ‘natural’ I am, but I’m definitely a disaster.

I spent a large portion of the day ‘battening down the hatches’ in preparation for Hurricane Sandy. I have gallons and gallons of fresh water stored, I tied down anything and everything that could fly away in the yard and I have every battery-operated device charging, like my cell phone, pager, portable radio and of course, my MP3 Player. I’m ready for the worst, so naturally we probably won’t get anything from this storm. It’s already begun raining and the wind is gusting, though they say we won’t see any real Hurricane weather until morning or early afternoon.

Just when I thought I was done with everything I got my PJ’s on and sat down to watch some TV. I heard sirens go screaming by my house and a few seconds later I heard a loud bang, like a gun shot. I jumped up, threw some day clothes on and headed out the door before my pager even went off. A police officer was in pursuit of a drunk driver who had run a stop sign and when the road came to a ‘T’ the drunk driver went straight into the woods. When I got on scene the car was about twenty yards into the trees with two trees laying on top of it. Long story short, we had to cut the trees away from the car and then use the jaws to extricate the guy who had very minor injuries, but opted for a full-package transport (backboard, cervical collar) in order to avoid the police a little longer.

Here’s the kicker of the whole story: the patient is a guy whom I reported to one of the police officers on Friday for being drunk, driving and having an open container in the vehicle. The police officer stopped him at the Fire department on Friday but let him go because his house was only a mile from the department. This happens to be the same police officer who gave chase to this guy tonight. I’m pissed because tonight’s events should not have happened, they could have been prevented. What if the drunk driver had hit another vehicle or seriously injured himself? What if there was a house where he crashed instead of a bunch of trees? And what about my safety and the safety of my fellow responders who had to cut trees and battery cables because only one of the airbags deployed?

The next couple of days should be a busy one for the Fire/Rescue department. Bring it on, Sandy!

The forecasted impact of Hurricane Sandy on the East Coast. I’m ready!



{October 28, 2012}   My Morning Playlist

This video isn’t great quality, but I love the song!

 



{October 28, 2012}   Human Nature

Saturday night= Game night at my Auntie’s. It’s become a weekly thing for Adam to also attend. We have fun. However, I’ve noticed that even though he does understand and respect that I’m not interested in a relationship with him, he wants more. I guess it’s human nature to always want more. We’re never really happy with what we have, there’s always a “yeah, it’s nice, BUT…”. Like game nights: I love game nights at my Auntie’s, but I wish they wouldn’t drink so much because by the third game we play they can’t think straight and it gets annoying. Well, like I said, it’s human nature.

This morning I went on a call where we ended up hauling off one of our own fire commissioners  for a heart attack. These are the calls that hit close to home. Then I had to do inventory of our emergency supplies at the station in preparation for this hurricane that’s supposed to sweep the East Coast and New England. If we’re adequately prepared then nothing will go wrong. That just seems to be the way it goes. When we got hammered by Hurricane Irene no one was prepared because they didn’t think we’d actually get anything from it and it was devastating to our community. We had to do water rescues and two of the local department’s boats weren’t in working order, we had no shelter to put people in… it was awful. This time it will be different. After doing the work at the station I came home and raked the entire yard, including the driveway, because the leaf blower blew up. My back and shoulder are killing me!

I’ve had great responses to my new hairstyle. And it feels better today than it did yesterday! When the stylist cut and styled my hair last night she gave it a lot of body and volume. When I got out of the shower today, however, I just used a blow dryer and some moose and I like it better without so much volume. Add some dark eye liner and eye shadow, some earrings and I still look feminine, but not too girly 😉  I also started a new diet pill today, I’m hoping it works better than the last one! This one’s called ‘Resveratrol’. It’s not approved by the FDA, so I have hope that it will work.

And that puts a cap on my day.



{October 26, 2012}   I Chopped My Hair Off

I did it! I got my hair chopped off. Here are the before and after pics:

This is me with my annoyingly curly hair that I used to have to straighten every day, and then put a baseball cap on.

And this is my hair now. It feels so good!

Now I just wish there was a permanent solution to getting rid of the red highlights. Oh well, my hair is now short and it feels great! Of course there are a few people who are upset about it and my brother even refuses to look at or talk to me, but like I said earlier- screw them. It’s my hair, my life. And I’m happy with it 🙂

 



{October 26, 2012}   It’s All The Same To Me

I had a short meeting with my therapist today. It was basically to sign a release of information and give the go-ahead on sending my file to my lawyer. We have gone through several of my old journals which she has kept locked away in storage to find entries proving my “insanity”, for lack of a better word. I don’t think I’m really insane. Anyway, she commented on how by reading through my old journals she can see how I’ve been getting better. Of course I kind of agreed. But now I’ve had time to think about it. Thinking makes me my own worst enemy.

I’m still self-destructive, physically and emotionally. I’m still a ticking time bomb, ready to lash out at anyone who angers me. I still stay in the house as much as possible… I don’t want to go out. For better or worse I have less friends and acquaintances than I’ve ever had. I still struggle for every minute of sleep I can grasp. I still do not get along with my mother. And I’m still ‘clingy’ to anyone who will accept me. So really, it’s all the same to me. It is true that I’m functioning on a higher level, ie- the fire department & rescue, but the bad feelings, the paranoia, the depression and the total lack of interest in almost everything is there. My back is still fucked up. My head is still fucked up. My shoulder is still fucked up. I’m fucked up.

Okay I’m done reflecting.

I’m getting nervous, excited and anxious for my hair cut tonight! It’s going to be so different. I’m looking forward most to the shock on people’s faces. I want this for me, but at the same time it symbolizes flipping the bird to everyone who is still denying my truth- that I’m a lesbian. Fuck you! Only I could never say that and hope to keep my face in the same shape it’s in now. After all, it’s not their truth to be in denial about! It’s my truth and I’m done trying to ignore it or deny it. It’s who I am. Take me or leave me, just don’t pretend I’m something I’m not. Of course there is also hope that by cutting my hair super-super short guys will leave me alone, stop hitting on me, stop saying vulgar things to me in hopes of getting me into bed. I’m done with men… I’m done with my denial.

So this hair cut symbolizes a lot for me. I can’t wait!

Practical reasons to cut my hair:

  • When my pager goes off in the middle of the night, I have to roll out of bed, down the stairs and into my truck. There’s no time to fuss with my hair. And patients don’t appreciate your hair falling into their face. Well, most of them don’t anyway.
  • Ever tried wearing a fire helmet with a ponytail? It’s painful. Ever tried wearing a fire helmet and SCBA (air mask/tank) with your hair down in your face? It’s literally deadly. And annoying.
  • Having no hair will cut my preparation time by about twenty minutes each day. That’s twenty more minutes of sleep I can get!
  • Ever had a dog who thought your hair was a toy to play tug-of-war with? The dog is the only one who enjoys it.

So to all those who insist that I’m just going through a phase, that everyone experiments with relationships…

FUCK YOU.



{October 26, 2012}   *~Stars~*

Blazing through the night

alone, just you and I

I take your hand in mine

gently squeeze and hold it tight.

Content just to be together

knowing for us, there are no others

eyes trained on the stars

I could stay here with you forever.

Without you life would hold no meaning

without you these stars wouldn’t be twinkling

without you I wouldn’t have anything

without you I would be nothing.

Blazing through the night

alone, just you and I

I take your hand in mine

So in love with you by my side…



{October 25, 2012}   *~Angel of Mine~*

Lost in your

gaze, those icy-

blue eyes pulling

me in to

depths unknown, frozen

in place, from

you I cannot

hide. Your hair

of golden silk

floats on the

evening air. Your

caresses are a

warm breeze, playing

on my skin,

teasing my senses,

leaving chills in

the wake of

your touches. Your

voice soothes and

excites all at

once, it’s hard

to believe that

you’re mine, it’s

hard to wake

up from my

dreams and leave

you, my fantasy…



et cetera