notokinthehead











{October 15, 2012}   Games

My life is like a game of pick-up-stix, played by fucking lunatics. (T.A.T.U.- Show Me Love)

I don’t know what I’m doing. Okay, I do- I’m pulling away from someone who wants to be with me. Why? Maybe because I just don’t understand why someone would want to be with me. Why would someone want to waste their time with me? Ninety-nine percent of the time I wish I could get away from me. I have a habit of running from anyone who wants to get close to me. I do things to turn them away, I ignore them, I’ve even been down-right mean. I guess I feel like I just don’t deserve to have someone. I’m not used to having anyone there. In the past people have turned from me, taken my trust and a little piece of my heart and left me standing alone. So naturally I’m guarded and maybe a little reluctant to give my trust to anyone again.

What does it take to get to a place where I can let someone care for me? What will it take to allow myself to be a little less guarded and let things happen?

 

It’s rainy and cold and I’m hurting. I didn’t sleep hardly at all last night because of shooting pains in my shoulder. My back aches and to top it all off when I went on a call for a lift assist yesterday I somehow got a small pebble wedged under the skin on my kneecap. I dug the pebble out but my knees all swollen and bruised and hurting. I just feel very discouraged and useless.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I have an appointment with my psychotherapist and I have to call my doctor because she prescribed Remeron for me. I googled it and apparently Remeron is infamous for causing weight gain (big no-no!!!), anxiety (already have plenty of that) and rapid heartbeat (already tachycardic). I’m definitely not having anything to do with that. If I didn’t know better I’d think everyone is conspiring against me to make me gain weight. I need to lose weight!



My brother recommended I might like this website.

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Howdy! This post could not be written any better!
Reading this post reminds me of my good old room mate!
He always kept talking about this. I will forward this page to him.
Fairly certain he will have a good read. Many thanks for sharing!



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