{October 16, 2012}   False Alarm!

I looked in the mirror this morning and this is what I saw.

I was miserable this morning. My therapist probably hates me right now, I was a stubborn, rude bitch. I was in an awful mood. But as the day has gone on and I’ve tried relaxing my mind I have straightened my attitude out and found a little peace within myself.

I think I was temporarily blinded by the concept of having someone to “hold onto me” and I thought I could conform to what everyone else wants, but as my therapist pointed out, I’m just making myself miserable. Adam is a friend and he will never be anything more. I am a lesbian with no interest in having any intimate relations with men. Unfortunately I myself am still having some trouble accepting that and it doesn’t help that I have very few people in my life who accept it. I am who I am. I just have to try to remember that slogan of it gets better and believe that there is someone out there for me and I will find her. Its just not the right time. I am still trying to figure out how to come out to people and just who I should come out to. I’m sure many people just know, but too many people think I’m going to make a great wife and baby maker to a man some day. Sorry guys!

I have an EMS meeting tonight at the local hospital that I was determined to skip, but a fellow EMT called me today and asked if he could give me a ride. How could I refuse? I am fortunate to know him and his wife, they are wonderful people. I wish I could surround myself with a hundred more people like them.

So, off I go on just two hours of sleep in the last thirty hours.

Ah the old conforming to what everyone else wants. That worked real well for me. Ha! I’ve learned it’s ok to be angry and pissed and all those other negative emotions. I’ve found it to be therapeutic at times. Be gentle with yourself. Lots of happy thoughts to you!

It’s a continuing struggle, no doubt. Thank you!

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