notokinthehead











{October 16, 2012}   There’s a Cluster F**k in My Mind

Here it is two in the morning and I’m awake and writing in my journal because there is way too much on my mind for me to be able to fall asleep. I wrote two and a half pages of which I cannot find the motivation to type up for you guys. So I figure I’ll try to post a shorter version, hopefully with less B.S. than I have written in my journal. My therapist is just going to love me in the morning when she sees how much I have written for her to peruse.

So I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I finally knew who I was after many years of struggling with myself and my sexuality. I’ve been writing in previous posts about this mystery “A” person. I have deliberately left out any words that refer to their gender because on my “About Page” I have clearly stated that I am a lesbian. Well, “A” stands for Adam. I haven’t lied about my sexuality. Not to my knowledge anyway. I began dating Adam last week. I can’t even convey how confused I am right now. I don’t even know where to start or how to start. Let me describe Adam for you: he’s an ex-marine who has deployed twice to Iraq. He’s very respectful and polite. He’s a big dork who loves animals and children and cartoons. He’s responsible. He has a good job, helps support his sister and nephews and is making it on his own. Blonde hair, blue eyes… he’s most girl’s dreams. I like him. I enjoy spending time with him and we have fun when we go out. I like how he opens doors for me, asks me before he touches me and waits for me to sit before he takes his seat. He’s a perfect gentleman. And he says he really likes me and wants to spend so much time with me.

We haven’t done anything more than hug. He won’t try unless I provoke it. He doesn’t know that I consider myself a lesbian. He doesn’t know about my past or my mental health problems. He has met my parents, my brother, my Aunt and a few guys from the Fire Department. They all think he’s great. They don’t know that he lost his license back in April from a DUI and can’t drive. They don’t know that he’s a recovering alcoholic who suffers from PTSD from being in Iraq. I don’t know why any of the above matters.

Anyway… I don’t know what I’m doing. I really like Adam, but I don’t want to sleep with him and I don’t see myself wanting to in the future. He says that’s okay, he’s not big on sex. Well… I have a feeling the reason I don’t want to sleep with him is because he’s carrying the wrong equipment. My biggest issue right now is that I seem to have fallen back into my old confusion about my sexuality. Am I willing to give him a try because I’m so desperate for some company, for someone to care for me, for someone to hold onto me? That doesn’t seem fair to him. In my previous posts I have talked about “Maya”, my physical therapist with whom I had a short fling with. With Adam in mind I have asked myself, if Maya showed up asking me for more, what would I do? Well, I’m almost one-hundred percent positive that I’d drop Adam in a heartbeat to be with her. So is that my answer?

I feel guilty, too. My Mother is hoping that Adam has “changed” me into a heterosexual. I feel guilty because I’m like my parents last hope- my four sisters have all been very disappointing in their selection of men, and then they end up with a gay daughter? I know my mother is hoping this from the way she has been asking questions about how our dates have gone. And of course I feel guilty because I don’t want to use Adam. I don’t want to hurt anyone else. However, in the back of my head there’s that little voice you hear everywhere: “How do you know you don’t like something if you don’t try it?”. Once again, that’s not fair to Adam, is it?

So I’m struggling with the seemingly never-ending question of who the hell am I? I thought I knew. Do I?

 



I’m 54 years old. Wasn’t for the kids. I would wander off and do something else. I believe we are many people in a life. I have fell into many situations and I’m still alive. Your story went in many directions. Our needs and feelings are like a roller coaster ride. Hard to maintain happiness. I believe we need to find a place where we can do what we want and know some happiness or peace. Is that possible? Thank you for sharing your thoughts.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

et cetera
%d bloggers like this: