{October 22, 2012}   Explosive Aches

I got up this morning and ended up going right back to bed my back and entire body ached so. It didn’t last long though, I ended up with both of the kids, and they were both miserable. The girl was just down-right miserable and argued about everything, and the boy was just blatantly disrespectful and mean. I ended up losing my temper and throwing the cigarette rolling machine across the kitchen (the kids were not in the room) and leaving them with my mother while I went and hid in my room. I was seething right up until my pager went off for an eighty-five year old male with a terminal illness (cancer) and difficulty breathing. When my pager goes off, I go away, I leave myself and become someone else entirely. After the call I was able to hang out with my partner at the station for a little bit. My partner is a pretty amazing guy. Something about him is so calming and reassuring. He ‘grounds’ me, brings me back around and puts a lid on my boiling rage. He’s like another brother or Dad to me. Only the blood-family dynamic isn’t there, which is probably why it works so well.

I wish I could find a way to tame my anger, keep my temper in control. I see my therapist tomorrow so maybe I can try to work on that a little. I also see my Osteopathic Doctor tomorrow, hopefully she can help me out with this pain. It’s exhausting.

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