{October 26, 2012}   It’s All The Same To Me

I had a short meeting with my therapist today. It was basically to sign a release of information and give the go-ahead on sending my file to my lawyer. We have gone through several of my old journals which she has kept locked away in storage to find entries proving my “insanity”, for lack of a better word. I don’t think I’m really insane. Anyway, she commented on how by reading through my old journals she can see how I’ve been getting better. Of course I kind of agreed. But now I’ve had time to think about it. Thinking makes me my own worst enemy.

I’m still self-destructive, physically and emotionally. I’m still a ticking time bomb, ready to lash out at anyone who angers me. I still stay in the house as much as possible… I don’t want to go out. For better or worse I have less friends and acquaintances than I’ve ever had. I still struggle for every minute of sleep I can grasp. I still do not get along with my mother. And I’m still ‘clingy’ to anyone who will accept me. So really, it’s all the same to me. It is true that I’m functioning on a higher level, ie- the fire department & rescue, but the bad feelings, the paranoia, the depression and the total lack of interest in almost everything is there. My back is still fucked up. My head is still fucked up. My shoulder is still fucked up. I’m fucked up.

Okay I’m done reflecting.

I’m getting nervous, excited and anxious for my hair cut tonight! It’s going to be so different. I’m looking forward most to the shock on people’s faces. I want this for me, but at the same time it symbolizes flipping the bird to everyone who is still denying my truth- that I’m a lesbian. Fuck you! Only I could never say that and hope to keep my face in the same shape it’s in now. After all, it’s not their truth to be in denial about! It’s my truth and I’m done trying to ignore it or deny it. It’s who I am. Take me or leave me, just don’t pretend I’m something I’m not. Of course there is also hope that by cutting my hair super-super short guys will leave me alone, stop hitting on me, stop saying vulgar things to me in hopes of getting me into bed. I’m done with men… I’m done with my denial.

So this hair cut symbolizes a lot for me. I can’t wait!

Practical reasons to cut my hair:

  • When my pager goes off in the middle of the night, I have to roll out of bed, down the stairs and into my truck. There’s no time to fuss with my hair. And patients don’t appreciate your hair falling into their face. Well, most of them don’t anyway.
  • Ever tried wearing a fire helmet with a ponytail? It’s painful. Ever tried wearing a fire helmet and SCBA (air mask/tank) with your hair down in your face? It’s literally deadly. And annoying.
  • Having no hair will cut my preparation time by about twenty minutes each day. That’s twenty more minutes of sleep I can get!
  • Ever had a dog who thought your hair was a toy to play tug-of-war with? The dog is the only one who enjoys it.

So to all those who insist that I’m just going through a phase, that everyone experiments with relationships…


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