{October 25, 2012}   I Think I’m Crushing

As an EMT I work closely with the nurses at our local hospital. Well, there’s this one nurse/paramedic that I’m especially fond of. This will sound cliche but she looks like an angel. Her skin is tanned, her hair is so blonde it’s almost white, her eyes are an icy-blue and she floats, she doesn’t walk. She’s always calm and cool. She knows exactly what to say to people who are in pain or grieving. When she looks at me, I know it, I feel it. I kind of freeze in my tracks, it’s like my heart stops beating for a moment, then comes back to pound louder in my ears, my chest, my entire body. She’s mesmerizing. When she’s teaching a class or leading a discussion, an hour goes by and I have no idea what was talked about or what we were supposed to be learning. I go dumb. To make me feel even more stupid, she’s a touchy-feely kind of person (duh, she’s a nurse), and when she touches my arm or my back my entire body goes numb. I try to remember what her touch feels like, but it’s like the hand of a ghost touched me. I have no idea what it feels like.

I’ve never really had a ‘crush’ on anyone before. At least not to this extent. There are so many reasons that things will never go beyond what they are now. She’s older than me, probably by ten years, she’s straight and in a committed relationship (story of my life)… the list goes on. But I can still enjoy these feelings she gives me. I love the feelings and hate them all at once. I love how I look forward to meeting her again, how she captivates me. I hate how she seems to take away any intelligence I like to think I have (if she told me to drink a gallon of bleach because it;s good for me, I’d probably do it because that’s how stupid she makes me) and how I become completely helpless in her presence. She probably thinks I’m a complete idiot with a speech impediment.

Is this what a crush is supposed to feel like?

{October 25, 2012}   Nearing The End

Alexandra Hedison, plays ‘Dylan’ on The L Word. Possibility #1.

October is Breast cancer Awareness Month and it’s coming to a close. I have participated in the Yo-plait Save Lids To Save Lives and am thinking maybe I should donate my hair. I have been wanting to chop my hair off for a while now. For several reasons: I’m not girly enough to properly style my long hair, wearing a fire helmet with long hair is miserable, jumping out of bed at three in the morning to run to a call makes it difficult to do anything with my hair and patients don’t appreciate your hair falling in their face. Not to mention I think I would just be more comfortable all around with short hair. I’m not talking about shaving it, just chopping it short. I’ve been googling short hair cuts and when I ran out of search terms I typed in “lesbian haircuts”. The results were many pictures of Adam Lambert, Justin Bieber and Chris Jenner (the male one, haha). There were more pictures of these three guys than of Ellen Degeneres. Fun fact: A lot of people on the World Wide Web view Pony Tails to be a lesbian hair style. Huh. I always wear a pony tail, under my camo ball cap of course.

A sketch someone did of someone with short hair. Possibility #2.

I wonder what preferences you guys have for a woman’s hairstyle? Do you prefer short hair, long

A little bit longer than the others. Possibility #3.

hair, medium length, or does it even matter to you? What about you? What is your hair style? This is a big leap for me but I think I’m ready.

On a side note, if I chop my hair off now I’ll kind of be making a statement of, Here I am! This is who I am! And it will be just shy of National Coming Out Day. Huh.



{October 25, 2012}   Hate Gays?

I LOVE this picture! And look how happy and proud the man holding the sign is! Maybe some day I will be able to do this and be just as happy and proud. Of course, that would never happen where I live now, but there are nearby cities I could disappear to…

I’ve been having a ‘down’ day. I’ve just felt depressed and haven’t had interest in anything. I laid in bed from two this afternoon until nine-forty-five tonight. And I still feel tired. I know I’m probably beginning to sound obsessed, however I could really use some time with my EMS partner. He’s just awesome. He can make me smile when I want to throttle one of the other guys. He can make me laugh when I just want to cry. He’s an amazing guy all around.

Speaking of crying… I think there’s something wrong with me. Have you ever seen that movie, “The Holiday”, starring Cameron Diaz? If you have then you’ve laughed at how she tries and tries to cry but can’t. I could really use a good cry, but I don’t cry. I can count on one hand how many times I have cried.

Times I should have cried:

  • When the woman I loved moved out of state. I didn’t shed a single tear, though I felt lost. I didn’t talk about it, even to my therapist, because I just wanted to pretend that she never existed, that our paths had never crossed.
  • When my mother beat the shit out of me so badly that my right eye closed up for over a week. I didn’t cry. The pain wasn’t so bad, I have a rather high tolerance for pain, probably from years of experience. But the emotional pain, the fact that someone I love so much could purposely harm me… that should have made me cry. For days.
  • When my Grandfather passed away. My Grandparents played a huge role in my up bringing. But when my Grampa passed away on Christmas Day in 2006 I didn’t cry. I was the shoulder for everyone else to cry on. I was the rock. Even at his funeral I was the strong one while everyone else broke down. And my heart was shattered.

So why don’t I cry? Should it bother me that I’m not a blubbering fool? I just want to feel more human. I don’t want to be like those girls who break down over the smallest obstacle in their lives. However, I do feel like now would be a good time to have a small meltdown. I wonder if they give lessons on how to cry? Maybe there’s a book out there on it, How To Cry For Dummies, 101.

I guess crying isn’t that important. I wouldn’t mind experiencing that feeling of relief so many people claim to have after a good cry, though. Maybe it will happen in time if I can learn how to sort out my feelings. Stop turning hurt into anger. Hey, maybe that’s a good place to start!

Tonight’s song is She Talks To Angels by The Black Crowes:



{October 24, 2012}   Surfing the Diets

I’ve been surfing online for over an hour now for an affordable weight-loss pill, seeing as the ones I’ve been taking have seemed to stop working. By affordable I mean twenty dollars or less. I stumbled across the Diet Dots you see on the left here. The reviews are unbelievable, as in I’m not sure the company didn’t write them to try and sell their products. One ‘customer’ wrote that she lost eight pounds in the first two weeks and ten pounds the following two weeks of taking it. She claims she didn’t change her diet and she doesn’t exercise. Hmmm… eighteen pounds gone in a month without any work put into it? I’m a bit skeptical, but for four dollars I think I’ll give it a try. IF it does such miracle work by itself, just imagine what it would do with some exercise and calorie restriction! Maybe I could finally reach my goal weight. Maybe tonight when the stores are empty I will go get some for a trial, and also pick up a new jump rope because the dog thought mine looked like a fun tug-of-war toy, and my niece agreed with him whole-heartedly.

I need underwear like this. Good motivational tool.

Right now I’m saving up money to buy a good punching bag, more for my mental well being than exercise. I don’t want to be one of those women who is all muscular and scary looking. I just want to lose more weight and have a healthy way to let my anger out. My father says that if I have a punching bag to let my anger out on I’ll end up with broken hands. Ha! He sure does know me, but I learned how to effectively punch when I took martial arts and self defense classes. Now if only I could get my mother to stop bringing me pants. The thought is a good one, but she hands them to me and says, “You’re the only one I can think of that’s small enough to squeeze into these”. And then I can’t squeeze into them. Hello! I’m not a size zero! Yet.

Make the flabbiness go away.

Make the love handles melt.

Make my thunder thighs slim.

Make my upper arms still, not jiggly.

Make my face sharp and shapely, not round and pudgy.

{October 24, 2012}   Overwhelmed With The Urge

Bigotry and intolerance, silenced by argument, endeavors to silence by persecution, in old days by fire and sword, in modern days by the tongue” ~Charles Simmons

The urge to just leave this place and never come back is overwhelming. I want to go somewhere, anywhere, and not tell anybody where I’m going, or even that I am going. I want to go somewhere where no one knows me, where I can start over new and just be myself. No concerns about who I am hurting or offending by being me. This urge comes and goes, but when it’s here it’s an almost torturous yearning. I even kick myself in the ass for not having money saved up to just up and go when I want to. Even if I just disappeared for a week or a weekend, turned my cell phone off and went to a nearby city where there are lesbian bars and I could mingle with others who won’t judge me. This area is full of bigots, close-minded people who still look down on African Americans and see homosexuality as some kind of plague. I just want a chance to be myself and enjoy who I am!Is that really too much to ask?

Today’s song is “Boston” by Augustana:

The great thing about this song is I have been to Boston, many times, and I’m able to be myself. I have a few friends in Boston, who are like me, and we always have a blast. There is no better feeling in this world as when you go from being who you’re expected to be, to being free to be yourself. It’s better than any drug. Maybe someday…

{October 23, 2012}   It Was Tense

I saw my Osteopath today. It was tense, to say the least. She continued lecturing me about my eating habits and insists that I continue to keep a food journal and give it to her when I see her again in two weeks. That I can let go in one ear and out the other and do what she asks for the sake of my back. However… when I went to check out I noticed in large letters on the bottom of the check-out sheet she gave me: #1. Major Depressive, #2. Anorexia. There was an explosion in my head. I felt like I’d been talking to a wall when I spoke to her. I felt like she didn’t listen to anything I said, and instead just made her own assumptions. I feel kind of bullied. Being bullied is not going to make me change who I am, in fact I know myself well enough to know that it will just make me rebel.

I ended up calling my therapist because I was so bothered. She’s probably right, I shouldn’t dwell on it and I should really try not let it bother me so much. I’ll see my therapist on Friday again and she said she’ll have me sign a release so she can call and speak with my Osteopath. Hopefully, she can convince my Osteopath that we’re working on whatever problem she seems to think I have and my Osteopath can go back to helping me with my back, and only my back.

I was so upset about my appointment with my Osteopath that I came home and crawled into bed. I stayed there for six and a half hours, dozing on and off. I’m still exhausted, but I think it’s more emotional than anything.

I did have a chat online with Adam tonight. Here’s how it went:

ADAM: do you enjoy spending time with me?

ME: Yeah, I like hanging out with you.

ADAM: do you want to see another movie with me?

ME: I would like to see another movie with you. As a friend. I’m not ready for a relationship & I don’t have the time to devote to one.

ADAM: i understand completely. i just wanted to make sure that i’m not being a bother. to you. so from now on we’ll leave movies up to that day so we can’t cancel plans if they haven’t been made 🙂

(His grammar sucks, I know) That went much better than I expected. I’m too accustomed to guys wanting it all or nothing at all. I can tell that he’s still hoping for more, but I don’t think that’s my problem. I drew the boundary and that’s all I can do.

{October 22, 2012}   Explosive Aches

I got up this morning and ended up going right back to bed my back and entire body ached so. It didn’t last long though, I ended up with both of the kids, and they were both miserable. The girl was just down-right miserable and argued about everything, and the boy was just blatantly disrespectful and mean. I ended up losing my temper and throwing the cigarette rolling machine across the kitchen (the kids were not in the room) and leaving them with my mother while I went and hid in my room. I was seething right up until my pager went off for an eighty-five year old male with a terminal illness (cancer) and difficulty breathing. When my pager goes off, I go away, I leave myself and become someone else entirely. After the call I was able to hang out with my partner at the station for a little bit. My partner is a pretty amazing guy. Something about him is so calming and reassuring. He ‘grounds’ me, brings me back around and puts a lid on my boiling rage. He’s like another brother or Dad to me. Only the blood-family dynamic isn’t there, which is probably why it works so well.

I wish I could find a way to tame my anger, keep my temper in control. I see my therapist tomorrow so maybe I can try to work on that a little. I also see my Osteopathic Doctor tomorrow, hopefully she can help me out with this pain. It’s exhausting.

{October 21, 2012}   Riding Solo

So I turned my pager off for the day, however my brother didn’t turn his off and he was here visiting when it went ff. Dispatch advised us of smoke/heat activation at one of our fellow EMT’s houses. So we hopped in our trucks and took off for the station. Unfortunately for me, my partner responded direct because the residence is between his home and the station, so I got stuck riding solo in the ambulance because everyone else hopped in the firetrucks. Everything was fine, it was a false alarm. Anyway, on my ride back to the station (always a longer drive back to the station than responding to a scene) I had time to reflect a little on how far I’ve come. I’ve come a long ways in just seven months of being on the fire & rescue. I no longer drink to excess, I’ve stopped abusing medications and I’m not hanging around what some people would call bad influences anymore. Now my time is spent helping people, washing trucks and being with my new family at the department. It may sound boring to a lot of people, but it makes me content and gives me a sense of belonging.

I’m turning my pager back on now 🙂

{October 21, 2012}   Me Day

Jennifer Beals, she looks just like my physical therapist, whom I was head-over-heels for, in this pic.

I had a “me” day today 😀

I was able to watch more L Word episodes (Love, love, love Jennifer Beals!), I did some of my own laundry, I exercised for a little over an hour, I jammed to music, I took a hot bath to relax the muscles in my back and now I feel pretty good. It was nice to turn off my cell phone and pager and not have to deal with anyone or anything. I even considered napping, but I feel like that would waste my “me” time.

Soon the house will fill up again and I’ll have to go back to being sociable and doing what is expected of me. But I feel good about taking this day for myself. Maybe it will bring me some peace and I will be able to catch some good shut-eye tonight!

{October 21, 2012}   Time To Redefine Me

Today is for me, and me alone. I’m taking the day, turning off my pager, silencing my cell phone and doing a “me” day. It seems like everybody wants me to do something and I’ve been doing everything to please everyone for too long. So today is my day. I’m just going to do what I want, when I want, maybe take a nap, take a ride, read a book or sit here surfing blogs.

Today’s song is brought to you by my “I don’t care, it’s about me” mood:


et cetera