{January 30, 2013}   You Just Want The Attention

Born Gay

I love Chelsea Handler! This pretty much says it all. A friend of mine (who I dated in junior high, turns out he’s gay, too. Ironic? Probably not. Ha!) posted this on FaceBook today and it made me smile big 😀

I have some plans that I’m looking forward to this weekend. I’m going to a nearby city to shop with a friend all day Friday and when I return Friday night, I’m going to pick up another friend and we’re going to Boston for the weekend. I’ll probably come back myself Saturday morning sometime like the party pooper I am, but we’re supposed to stay with her ill father while we’re down there and I know I can’t take much of that. Now if we were staying with our friend Cris, who’s old enough to be my mother but who I’ve had a major crush on since I was like fourteen, I’d stay as long as was financially possible. Hmm… it would be really cool if I could make that happen. But probably not on such short notice. Cris is actually the first lesbian I ever crushed on. Actually… she’s the only lesbian that I know of that I’ve crushed on.

Today’s song has a nostalgic feeling about it for me. I love it!


{January 29, 2013}   “It’s My Life” by Bon Jovi

Today’s song. It’s a little dated and not really a classic, but I heard it on the radio today and it stuck in my head.

{January 29, 2013}   Ill Discoveries

Meaning things I discovered while in bed recuperating from that killer migraine and the exhausted laziness that settled in after it was gone.

1. I can watch all of the seasons of The L Word  for free on my Kindle using my Amazon Prime membership.

2. I can watch several gay/lesbian genre movies on my Kindle for free using my Amazon Prime membership.

3. I can stay in my room for two days straight and no one notices that I’m ‘missing’ (Hmmm, good or bad?).


And Then Came LolaLast night I watched a movie called And Then Came Lola (found under lesbian movies). It was a good movie. It’s a little bit confusing in the beginning because they do three different takes of the same scene throughout the movie. But once you figure it out it makes perfect sense. You’ll find yourself cheering on Lola and trying to tell her what to do differently (kind of like in horror movies when you find yourself yelling “don’t look behind the shower curtain fool!”). Don’t worry, she figures it out! The best thing about this lesbian drama is that it’s not all about sex and nudity. I can’t stand how so many lesbian movies portray lesbians as being horny sex toys. You do see some skin in this movie but there’s no real nudity. At least someone knows how to leave something to the imagination.

You should totally watch it. And you have no excuse not to if you have an Amazon Prime membership, because it’s free!

These Things Hidden

I just finished reading Heather Gudenkauf’s novel These Things Hidden. Excellent read! Just when you think you have the hidden things (secrets) figured out, she reveals the truths and they’re not at all what you expected. She keeps the mystery going, suspense-fully, right to the last page of the book. I can’t possibly give it a good enough review, you just have to read it for yourself.

My goal is to be completely lazy (except when my pager goes off) until I have to get my shit together to see my therapist Thursday morning. That gives me two days for myself, for my selfishness. I’ve been selfish a lot lately and I’m slowly learning to like it. That could be a good thing, or it could be a bad thing. I guess it depends on how you look at it, or how far I take it 😉

{January 27, 2013}   Every. Time.

I’ve spent two long days in bed trying to sleep away a killer migraine. Today I was able to get up and about around 6:30pm. I did a little grocery shopping for the necessities, had a little bit of corn chowder and landed back in bed. With a cup of coffee hoping that the caffeine might help some since the pain reliever PM that I took about an hour and a half ago hasn’t done anything yet.

Today’s song is by one of my all-time favorite musicians and song writers: Terri Clark.

This song is inspired by a very missed, broken friendship.

{January 26, 2013}   *~The Monster~*

I feel the
Tension coiled in
My belly, knotted
In a spiral,
A snake preparing
To strike out.
Deadly poison leaking
From the teeth,
Sinking into my
Thick, round, blue
Vein, pumping through
My core, dispersing
Throughout my body,
Overtaking me entirely.
I become the
Beast I so
Feared, vicious and
Utterly selfish, taking
For my own
Greed, handing out
Pain and death
Sentences, only happy
To share my
Own betrayals and
Griefs. Once bitten,
The sick magic
Forces you to
Forward it, pass
It along like
A contagious disease.
A disease, indeed,
It is. A
Force to be
Reckoned with, your
Personal strength your
Only superpower. Are
You strong enough
To beat the
Monster at his
Own game?

{January 25, 2013}   Spoiling Myself

That’ s what I did yesterday. I took my ex- best friend to brunch to celebrate her buying a house (I really just miss her so that was my excuse). Then we went to Staples and I bought a Kindle Fire HD. I bought one for my parents for Christmas and I really liked it and I wanted in the worst way to be able to discreetly borrow LGBT books from the library. So I got a code from my library that gives me access to the State Library’s ebook data base, where I can borrow books electronically for two weeks each. No way could I do that on my parents Kindle! So I bought myself one. I’m having a blast with it, too! I may have gone a little bit overboard with buying the car charger (pink) and stylus (pink) and case/cover thingy (pink) but I almost don’t feel guilty about it… I almost feel like I deserve it. The first two short stories I read last night were Crumbs: A lesbian Hansel and Gretel (Sappho’s Fables) by Elora Bishop and The Witch Sea by Sarah Diemer. The good news, ladies, is these two books are FREE for purchase as ebooks on Amazon! I recommend them for some downtime reading. They’re not very erotic at all but they allow you to put your own imagination into overdrive. Check out… They’re FREE.

My sister walked out of the ER Wednesday night A.M.A. I had to go pick her up because it was -8 degrees out and she was there because she’s a little crazy lately. She stayed here the last two nights and it pissed me off because her two kids are here and she won’t have anything to do with them. I did, however, inform her and my mother that if she tries to leave here and take one or both children with her I will call the police. Child endangerment. She’s suicidal for God’s sake! I’m beyond fed up with her at this point. If someone wants help they need to assist in being helped. Til then there’s nothing anyone can do for them short of  having them arrested and involuntarily locked up.

Today I have a lingering migraine from yesterday so I’m going to keep must locked in my room and away from the chaos as much as possible.

And play on my Kindle! Time for a strictly ME day.


{January 23, 2013}   Unusual Photo Op

At 2:21am this morning we were called to a residence for a 24 year old male who was seizing. When we go there, we realized that the kid had been using heroin and it seemed that caused his seizure. At 6:16am this morning my pager goes off for the same address: fully involved structure fire. It went to second alarm before we had it under control. The Fire Marshall’s non-official report is it was a meth lab gone wrong. Thankfully, since I’d been there just a few hours prior I was able to tell dispatch right away that it was suspicious, chemicals were most likely involved and that ALL people on scene were to wear masks or SCBA’s. Glad I was able to make that call. We fought that fire for over six hours. It’s a complete loss, the only thing standing being the brick chimney. The fire was so hot that it melted the wood stoves into unrecognizable heaps of metal. That was my biggest fire yet. The local newspaper and local TV news station got plenty shots of my brother and I, with our matching names on our jackets, fighting the fire. What an unusual photo op. Oh, and my mother was texting me every five minutes inquiring if we were okay. That felt good. But I couldn’t really answer her that often.

With the adrenaline worn down, I’m now exhausted. Going off about three hours total sleep and a lot of hard, physical labor. Nap time!




{January 22, 2013}   Too Much at Once

I’ve buried myself in reading today. The reason is quite simple: Too many people asking too much of me at the same time. They should all know by now that, that results in me giving 0.00%.

FirehouseI finished reading Firehouse by David Halberstam and have started and nearly finished reading Fallout by Ellen Hopkins. Firehouse was a very good book. It tells the true stories of a firehouse and the firehouse family in a borough of NYC and how the 9/11 massacre changed their lives. It’s riveting and a page turner. Once I started it, I couldn’t put it down. I’m very thankful that we do not have highrises where I live, and ever grateful for the tedious calls we get. As for Fallout, I’ll give a better report when I’m finished with reading it, but so it’s also a page turner. I’ve said it a million times before but I’ll say it again: I love Ellen Hopkins’ style of writing (poetry form). So raw and every bit as addicting as the drugs she writes about.

Maybe tomorrow I will get my shit together again. I’m just overwhelmed for today. I have an appointment to take my (new!) car to the garage first thing tomorrow morning, so I’d better try to get some sleep.

Today’s song is very appropriate for my mood this evening. A long-time friend of mine always says that this song sounds like me:

{January 22, 2013}   The Perfect Mix




Coffee II


{January 21, 2013}   Feels Like Home

Car TreeNow that I have my car I face a new task: making it feel like mine. My old truck had a redneck theme, but my new vehicle looks like a soccer Mom’s car so I don’t think it’ll work out well. I’ve already purchased car fresheners that are shaped like a tree, smell like vanilla (very strong vanilla) and have the American Flag pattern on them. I’ve put my lights and fire plates on it. Now for floor mats, since it didn’t come with any. I will skip on any seat covers because I love the leather seats! I definitely need a cargo mat because I don’t won’t to mess up the carpet in the back with my bunker gear, EMS bag and oxygen tanks. The last thing I want is to throw my gear in the back after fighting a fire and getting soot and shit all over the carpet :/

Now for the real issues: my sister is still in the ER waiting for a bed to open up at the State Hospital’s Psychiatric Ward. I pray it happens soon because all the ER is doing is keeping her fed and alive. She needs mental help and detox.

My Assistant Fire Chief is really pissing me off. I’m the number two responder (out of twenty-seven of us) and he’s treating me like shit. I do all of the dirty work, as well as all of the administrative crap (paperwork), and he does nothing but harp on my ass. I cannot wait for my Chief to get back from his vacation so that the Assistant Chief can get off his power trip. He’s allowing his personal life to float into the department and forgetting all professionalism he used to possess. Myself and a few others are about ready to walk out on him and leave him high and dry, with only the weekenders who come to volunteer when they’re not at home in one of the cities.

As for the nerve blocks I had in my thoracic spine, they seem to be doing some good. They’ve taken the edge off of my pain. I also got a prescription for Phenergan to combat the nausea that the Butrans patches were causing. I’m trying them for the first time with the pills tonight. We’ll see how well it works.

et cetera