{April 12, 2013}   You Win Some, You Lose Some

There has been one hell of a war going on within the Fire Department between the Chief (C1) and the Assistant Chief (C2). It was kind of like Twilight, except there was Team C1 and Team C2. Well, we no longer have an Assistant Chief, he was terminated because he thought it was acceptable to physically threaten the Fire Department members who weren’t rallying with him. It has been a stressful week and to top it off the former C2 has been dragging my name through the mud on public television and in the local newspaper. I now have enemies whom I’ve never met, let alone heard of their names.

The war rages on and I’ve been thrown on the front lines. All I want is to do my job- help people. For now I’m going to stick it out and keep a low profile but the chances are good that I will have to quit my beloved job. Fortunately I have many people backing me up.

Politics suck.

{April 8, 2013}   Humanity Is Sickening

I usually shelter myself from all of the cruelty humans inflict upon each other. I don’t watch the news and I don’t listen to reports on the radio. However, I do have a FaceBook account and terrifying news and stories are abound on the social media sites. I just read an article and I feel a little sick to my stomach now. Check it out:

The worst of all of these, in my opinion, is Urban Outfitters- “We’re not homophobic, we make clothes specifically designed for homosexuals… and then use their money to fight against their rights.” So basically they use us to finance their anti-gay campaigns. How sick is that?

And how about that Salvation Army official that said he believes homosexuals should be put to death? It’s entirely possible that if you checked his genealogy you’d find he’s a descendent of that psychopathic sadist Hitler. I’m not one to bash on the President of the United States but I have to wonder if he purposely sought out the votes of homosexuals and African Americans so he could just continue us down the path of destruction we’ve been on for the past five plus years? I don’t recall him being super supportive of gay rights during his first campaign for Presidency… but like I said before, I don’t really follow the news.

On a semi-related note, I found an interesting website. I don’t know about anyone else, but I know I feel a little uncomfortable when I go to see a physician (GYN, Therapist, Chiropractor) and they go on and on about their husband/boyfriend and then ask about mine. A lot of people assume that others are ‘straight’ and I run into that a lot, despite my obvious butch look. So I stumbled across this website where you can find LGBTQ healthcare providers and more. It’s worth a gander:


The Chief of Police sends you birthday wishes!

I had a great birthday Friday night. I got drunk and I played card and board games. I also got a new siren for my car and I can’t wait to play with the new noise maker!

I’m not feeling so hot today. I’ve got a stomach bug and have been having some intense stomach pains. Yucky.

{April 4, 2013}   I Was Nervous For… This?

This is EXACTLY how I looked tonight. Well, minus the hat.

I have a tendency to get all worked up and nervous about things, just to find out there’s no reason for the anxiety. I completed my first meeting tonight and it didn’t hurt a bit. Well, I got a paper cut, but other than that it was painless. I even came home and already typed up the minutes for approval so I can submit them on Monday morning to be published. Mentally I feel really good about it, however physically my back is killing me.

Please let all of this be worth the extra stipend!

Tomorrow is my birthday and I have plans to go to my Auntie’s house, play games and get shit faced. It’s going to be awesome. I’m a strange almost-twenty-four-year-old, my idea of fun is playing card and board games with my family, unlike most, who would prefer to go out to a club or bar or something. I guess it keeps me out of trouble though.

Technically my birthday is in 53 minutes. So, happy birthday to me!

Yesterday I accidentally sliced the back of my forearm open. It didn’t hurt… until I grabbed the closest paper towel to stop the bleeding with. It was a used paper towel that was quite wet with Windex. Boy did that wake me up. To top it off, this EMS professional only has little, tiny band aids at home. It took seven of them to cover the wound. Thankfully, I’m better at this stuff when it’s someone else gushing blood!

I leave in ten minutes for my first Commissioner’s Meeting. I’m nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs. AND my Mother will be there.

I had physical therapy for the first time in a month today. I’m sore. And I’m getting fitted for new bunker gear tonight, too.

Wish me luck!!!

“… when the moment is not right, and the timing is quite unusual…” ~Train (Meet Virginia) At 01:00 I found myself grabbing my car keys and sneaking out of the house. In pain, mind racing, I decided it was a good idea to go to Dunkin’ Donuts and grab a coffee: hot French vanilla turbo, extra-extra. I probably didn’t need the turbo, but it adds a nice bitterness that the “extra-extra” takes away from the coffee. Coffee in hand, MP3 player blasting angry rap, I decided to drive around for awhile. I must say, I have pretty impressive rapping skills, for a white girl. Usually a drive at night by myself listening to music will quiet the static in my head. The static being all of the random, stressful thoughts that race through my head at mind boggling speeds. It didn’t work for me tonight (blame it on the turbo?) even though I drove around for a little over two hours. I am so pleased with the gas mileage I get in my new car: 20-25 mpg vs 12-14 mpg in my old truck. I don’t feel so guilty about driving around any more. Some of the thoughts rolling around in my head tonight/this morning: *My first time ever taking minutes at a meeting is Thursday night, and the meeting will be aired on public television. Do I really think I’m capable of this new job? Am I capable to do this new job??? *Why is it that I’m always attracted to women who are married to or involved with a man? And women who are like ten years my senior? *How can I achieve a “normal” sleep pattern? Would it be really fucked up if I took sleeping pills every four to five hours so I can sleep through a day and a night? *What will it take to fix my shoulder and back problems? Am I just always going to be in pain? Can I live out my career as a firefighter/EMT as I so badly want to, or are these issues going to break me? *I’m stuck baby sitting my six year old niece all day Friday, on my birthday, what can I do with her? She’d happily sit inside on the couch all day playing on the tablet. How do you cure a child of the technology epidemic? Especially when it has it’s talons in you, also. I could go on and on, but the speed with which these thoughts zip through my mind makes it hard to keep up, and it’s a bunch of nonsense. If only my insurance wasn’t so fucked up I could get my medications and relax my brain. A little bit of Klonopin goes a long way. “Sometimes you just feel tired, you feel weak. And when you feel weak, you feel like you wanna just give up. But you gotta search within you to try to find that inner strength, and just pull that shit outta you, and get that motivation to not give up, and not be a quitter, no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse.” ~Eminem (Til I Collapse)

{April 2, 2013}   Stuck In A Rut

Last night we went to a chimney fire at the end of a class five road- meaning the road’s upkeep is up to the homeowner who lives in the house at the end of the road. Keep in mind that mud season has just started for us. I was driving the ambulance by myself, following our biggest (and heaviest) engine when the engine got stuck halfway up the steep driveway, burying the rear end to the floorboards. The guys hiked the rest of the driveway and I very careful backed the ambulance back down the hill. When I got to the bottom I began to drive the ambulance away from the driveway so they could safely get the engine out when the entire passenger side of the rig found a sinkhole. After about five minutes and what seemed like forever, I expertly drove the ambulance up and out of the sinkhole. When I parked and got out to survey the damage I observed my tire ruts that were about two and a half to three feet deep and saw that the mud went about halfway up the passenger side door. I got lucky that I was able to maneuver the rig out of the sinkhole. We had to have a heavy-duty tow truck pull the engine out.

Today I rearranged my bedroom because I got sick of bashing my head off of a shelf that hung at the head of my bed. Now my body is useless and aching. I haven’t had injections, pain medicine or physical therapy in about a month because I’ve been fighting with the insurance company about my deductible. It took them three weeks to apply my paid deductible and they finally approved it on Friday. Conveniently, of course, since no doctors are open Saturdays and Sundays and I was due for another deductible Monday.

I just want some pain relief!

{April 2, 2013}   *~Angels In Blue~*

The blood drains
like ink from my pen
flesh fades to white
I have no feeling left.

I breathe in
emotions run rampant
I breathe out
I’m bleeding out.

I struggle for one last breath
A calm comes over me
As I embrace this early death
I close my eyes and just bleed.

My chest gets crushed
Over and over
They won’t give up.

I feel a strike like lightning
I’m jolted back to life
My eyes are just slits
but I can see he’s smiling.

My lungs inflate, fill
he’s smiling, still.

Today I died
Today I came back to life
“Hang on Sweetie, you’re pulling through”
Today I met Angels dressed in blue.

{April 1, 2013}   My Birthday Wish

I’m not one of those modest people who are always saying, “You don’t need to buy me birthday gifts, it’s just another day”. Nope, I love presents! However, my birthday wish this year is that everyone be happy, because when everyone around me is happy, I’m happy.

I’m super-sensitive to other’s moods, especially their bad moods. I literally feel for them and when something goes wrong for someone close to me it can very well fuck up my whole day, even after they get over it. Is that weird? I can scoop up a dead body and forget about it as soon as I hop back into the driver’s seat of the ambulance, but if my fellow firefighter is having a rough day I carry that with me all day.

So for my Birthday on Friday I just want everyone to be happy!!! And maybe a present or two 🙂

et cetera