notokinthehead











{October 25, 2013}   Fall is Here

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Fall has arrived here in the White Mountains, bringing with it the usual beautiful hues and sleet/snow. It came in quick, too. It’s currently 34.5 degrees outside and they’re predicting a heavy frost overnight tonight. I personally don’t like the cold weather. I relish the 80-90 degree summer temperatures. I guess considering my previous statement you must think I’m crazy to be living in the heart of ski country. I suppose I am, a little anyway.

There are a few things that I enjoy about the colder weather: cuddling up in front of the fireplace with a good book and my kitty, homemade Tomato Bisque, Hot Cocoa and the warm, fuzzy feeling I get when watching the snow fall from inside my warm, cozy living room. Of course work really picks up for me in the winter so I stay busy too, between chimney fires and motor vehicle accidents.

This evening I keep turning on the outside light to see the snow flurries drift silently to the ground. It amazes me how such a silent event can change so much in so little time.

 



{October 21, 2013}   3AM Snacks

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I discovered something pretty amazing tonight… pepperoni and peanut butter! If someone had suggested I try it I probably would have been disgusted by it, but OMG it’s good!



{October 20, 2013}   Drained

How can one

person take so

much from you?

Out of you?

How can one

person cause you

so much pain?

So much frustration?

 

Seems it’s true-

you’re damned if

you don’t, damned

if you do.

Do you crawl

into your own

dark abyss, lock

yourself away from

the people, the

mess? Isolate and

keep your heart

safe?

 

I’ve been hurt by who I thought was a good friend, and in turn the person I thought was a good friend turned to my own family to try and turn them against me with their lies. Fortunately for me my family knows me and knows that person is lying about me. However it doesn’t stop it from stinging. I too easily turn the hurt and pain into anger. I’m battling the anger now, though it feels like a losing fight. I’m finding myself feeling vindictive, and that scares me because I’m not a vindictive person. Tomorrow morning I have a meeting with the Chief of Police in hopes of getting the harassing text messages and phone calls to stop. I need to dig down deep right now and find the strength to be the bigger person. I can overcome the little people in this world. I just have to stay strong and not let them win.



{October 20, 2013}   When Help is 1,749 Miles Away

My psychotherapist, JB, has taken a job in Puerto Rico, 1,749 miles away. She will continue to “see” me via phone, Skype and/or email. I guess it’s a temporary job for only five or six months and then she’s coming back to continue her private practice here. I wish her nothing but luck and happiness. I can imagine how burnt out one can get being a psychotherapist.

Now for the selfish side of me: JB couldn’t have taken this job at a worse time! It’s mid-October and my anxiety and depression increases three-fold throughout the winter months. Yes she gave me referrals in case I feel the need to contact a counselor to have face-to-face sessions with while she’s gone but I’ve been seeing JB off and on for ten years, a new counselor won’t get it. JB does. I don’t have the patience to train a new counselor so they know what is and isn’t off-limits and I don’t have the mental ability to retell my story to a new counselor.

Maybe that’s the problem. I’ve become too comfortable with JB and it’s more like a friendship than a client/counselor relationship. Maybe she respects my boundaries a little too much because she knows how defensive and angry I get. Maybe having another counselor on the side would be beneficial for treatment. Maybe a kind of good cop/bad cop thing wouldn’t be a bad idea. JB is the good cop and another, new counselor can be the bad cop.

Maybe I’m completely overreacting by hitting the panic button so soon.

panic-alarm-button-buy-one-get-one-free

 



{October 20, 2013}   A Cat? A Dog? A Toddler?
Babe and I reading a book.

Babe and I reading a book.

My cat, Babe, doesn’t seem to know what she is. She looks like a cat, acts like a dog and sits like a toddler in it’s mother’s lap. However, Babe is my best friend in the world. She’s nonjudgmental, she loves me no matter what mood I’m in, she doesn’t nag or ask endless questions and she’s always loving. If Babe were a person instead of a cat she’d be my soul mate, not doubt.

This revelation comes at a time when I’m mourning a friendship that has recently ended. I was pretty much over it when it ended, it was me who said “enough, I can’t do this anymore”, but the former friend won’t let sleeping dogs lie. She is understandably angry about how the friendship suddenly ceased to be and it seems that every other day she is texting me something outrageous and accusing. This is very much the reason I had to end the friendship in the way that I did. She is mentally ill and refuses to seek help. Unfortunately, I cannot help her and I was hoping that by walking away like I did she would realize that her friends have disappeared one by one and by no one’s fault except her own, and somehow she would see that she needs to get help. So far it has not worked out that way. This evening while driving around and enjoying my music I received yet another unpleasant text from this woman. She is now accusing me of stealing $5,000 from her… last week. It’s been at least a month since I’ve seen her. She’s calling me every name in the book and then some and accusing me of stealing the money from her and threatening to call the police. Oh how I hope she does. It would make me feel better. I’ve done a lot for her in the past eight years and it really hurts that she would pull something like this. I wouldn’t take a penny from someone without asking and then I’d give them a dollar to pay them back. THAT’S the type of person I am. I guess the only thing I can do is ignore the texts and try to convince myself that she doesn’t matter and anyone who does matter won’t believe her absurd stories.

I’m learning that being a good person only gets you heartache and pain. At this rate I will be a bitter cat lady within the next five years.



{October 16, 2013}   I’ve Been (Kinda) Published!

I contributed to this book, What is and isn’t Working for the Alcoholic and Addict by Alberta Sequeira. She is a very talented author and I think everyone should read this book. I feel very honored that she let me contribute to her book. I believe her book, as well as the public talks she gives, will help many, many people with their diseases, as well as the loved ones who are affected. I’m determined to help spread the word for this courageous, talented author and get her book known to many!

Here is the link to Amazon. Definitely check it out!

http://www.amazon.com/dp/1492138290/#_swftext_Swf



{October 6, 2013}   Expanding my Musical Horizons

Thanks to a new friend I recently discovered a liking for Fiona Apple. Here are a few songs I really enjoyed and want to share:

My FAVORITE so far is “Get Gone”:



{October 4, 2013}   Looking for my Princess

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et cetera