notokinthehead











{September 18, 2015}   Challenge

So quitting drinking cold turkey is a no-no when you’re at the alcoholic level I’ve made it to. I was terribly sick. Therefore I cannot say that I’ve quit drinking. I can say that I’ve cut back quite a bit. I’m down to about five beer drinks per day, give or take one or two. I feel that is tremendous for me. Though I can’t say that being fully aware of my thoughts and feelings is a welcome thing. Being aware is a challenge, but that’s usually why people turn to addictions in the first place, right? One step at a time…
I’ve got this.



{September 17, 2015}   Curious

I want to know how it would feel
to brush your hair from your face
hold the back of your head delicately
and paint soft kisses on the side of your neck.
I want to know how it would make you feel
if I stroked your wavy locks?
Would you finally feel fragile?
Would your skin melt beneath my lips?
Would you patiently wait to see
where this moment of passion would go?
Would you panic like a deer in the headlights
and dart like a frightened doe?
Would you reach out for me
and pull me into a frenzied embrace?



{September 7, 2015}   Realization

I’m a full-blown alcoholic. We’re talking an eighteen rack for the day and a half bottle of whiskey on the rocks at night. I’ve managed to disappoint and push away everyone I care about. How are you supposed to get sober when you have no support? Why should I care about getting sober when I have no one left to care for me?
I’ve been going through withdrawals today and it’s been rough. Chills, sweating, muscle cramps, vomiting, diarrhea, heart palpitations, feeling faint… I’ve felt like death and had to work on top of it. In a 120°F kitchen. I ended up having to leave early and I had two cocktails to try to take the edge off. I’m still very sick and of course I cannot sleep.
I’m frustrated to tears.



et cetera