{August 23, 2013}   We Are All One


{March 16, 2013}   Out Of Control

It was a rough morning, but it could have been much worse I guess. We were denied a new fire truck and instead they gave us $50,000 of the $275,000 that’s required to make our current attack pumper safe. We’re not sure how that’s going to play out yet.

Since I returned home from the meeting around 14:30 I ate a Cheddar Wurst, then went grocery shopping, came home and ate a salad, then had some cherry-vanilla ice cream, then a lean pocket and I still want to eat. That’s very abnormal for me and I feel like a disgusting pig. My belly feels plenty full but I just want to eat and eat and eat…

To distract myself I’ve been doing some light boxing. Since my left hand is fractured (though I removed the cast) I’m power jabbing with my right and throwing easy punches with my left (with gloves now, haha). I’m also getting the kicks in 🙂

Have I mentioned that I emailed our Chief of Police asking to do a ride along with one of our officers? He said they don’t usually do that but he will make an exception for me! To top it off he mentioned he may have me ride with our female Sergeant (my crush)!!! I’m very much looking forward to experiencing a day as a police officer.

{March 12, 2013}   Small Victories

At the doctors yesterday I was elated to discover that I have lost four pounds! I know four pounds isn’t a lot, but if you think about it that’s a half gallon of milk or a can of beans. That’s just the motivation that I need to get back into boxing, broken hand or not. I still have one good hand 🙂
Quick run down of my history: When I first injured my shoulder and my back I lost about ten pounds, bringing me just under my healthy weight according to the BMI. However, it didn’t take long of being laid up to gain that back, plus another ten. I’ve always struggled with my weight. I went from an obese fourteen year old to a thin, bulimic seventeen year old, to a healthy, active twenty-one year old. It’s a cycle, really. I still have my off days when I resort back to the bulimic ways, but I’ve been doing a good job with eating healthy and drinking a lot less alcohol and soda. And I’m at the point where I understand that losing fatty weight takes work.

Physical Therapy today. It’s raining cats and dogs and I really don’t feel like going anywhere. Is it just me or does it seem like every day is laundry day???

{December 14, 2012}   Six Flabby Pounds?!

scaleI was weighed at the pain care clinic the other day. I usually just skip it. Like at my PCP’s office the nurse, who knows me oh-so-well, walks by the scale and slows just long enough to point at it and look at me with her head turned slightly sideways, like a curious dog. I don’t even look at the scale, I just say “no thank you” and we continue on to the room. I don’t even weigh myself at home because if I find I’ve gained ONE pound I get  upset. Even if I’m menstruating. The extra pounds weigh on my mind (pun intended, hah) and I torture myself with them. The other day the phlebotomist caught me off guard and I just stepped onto the scale. To my horror I have gained six pounds since the last time I was weighed (I think about eleven months ago) and I’m not even menstruating! I’m not sure how this happened, and since I haven’t been weighing myself I have no idea when it happened. Or how it happened. My diet hasn’t changed in ages. All I know is that I’m not happy about it. Now I have to do damage control. Well, I have to figure out how to do damage control. It’s difficult for me to do much exercise anymore because of my back and shoulder. Maybe, just MAYBE, those six pounds have to do with gaining muscle. Muscle does weigh more than fat, and I’ve been doing a lot of difficult things with the fire department, while wearing sixty-plus pounds of gear, including the tools (haligan, etc). I’m so desperate for an excuse to this weight gain that I’m even thinking how I could have gained muscle-weight by having to climb two flights of stairs to get to my bedroom now, before I moved back in here my bedroom was on the ground level and there was no need for me to climb stairs.

But I know there are no excuses. I must get my lazy ass in gear and do something about it. Losing weight isn’t a miracle, it’s work. Oh the stresses!!!

{October 23, 2012}   It Was Tense

I saw my Osteopath today. It was tense, to say the least. She continued lecturing me about my eating habits and insists that I continue to keep a food journal and give it to her when I see her again in two weeks. That I can let go in one ear and out the other and do what she asks for the sake of my back. However… when I went to check out I noticed in large letters on the bottom of the check-out sheet she gave me: #1. Major Depressive, #2. Anorexia. There was an explosion in my head. I felt like I’d been talking to a wall when I spoke to her. I felt like she didn’t listen to anything I said, and instead just made her own assumptions. I feel kind of bullied. Being bullied is not going to make me change who I am, in fact I know myself well enough to know that it will just make me rebel.

I ended up calling my therapist because I was so bothered. She’s probably right, I shouldn’t dwell on it and I should really try not let it bother me so much. I’ll see my therapist on Friday again and she said she’ll have me sign a release so she can call and speak with my Osteopath. Hopefully, she can convince my Osteopath that we’re working on whatever problem she seems to think I have and my Osteopath can go back to helping me with my back, and only my back.

I was so upset about my appointment with my Osteopath that I came home and crawled into bed. I stayed there for six and a half hours, dozing on and off. I’m still exhausted, but I think it’s more emotional than anything.

I did have a chat online with Adam tonight. Here’s how it went:

ADAM: do you enjoy spending time with me?

ME: Yeah, I like hanging out with you.

ADAM: do you want to see another movie with me?

ME: I would like to see another movie with you. As a friend. I’m not ready for a relationship & I don’t have the time to devote to one.

ADAM: i understand completely. i just wanted to make sure that i’m not being a bother. to you. so from now on we’ll leave movies up to that day so we can’t cancel plans if they haven’t been made 🙂

(His grammar sucks, I know) That went much better than I expected. I’m too accustomed to guys wanting it all or nothing at all. I can tell that he’s still hoping for more, but I don’t think that’s my problem. I drew the boundary and that’s all I can do.

{October 8, 2012}   The King Is Not Dead

Brrr!!! New England sucks when fall comes upon us and it turns cold. I’m freezing! So I’m sitting here in my Elvis snuggie absorbing the heat from my cat.

Last night I made dinner for everyone. Homemade baked macaroni & cheese with bits of baked ham, fresh tomato cubes and crumb topping. They loved it! They ate every last crumb of it. It was a very simple meal to make. I didn’t eat because by the time I was finished making it I’d snacked on the tomatoes and wasn’t hungry. So I just had a beer. I was in bed by ten o’clock, though, and that’s early for me. But for some odd reason I’ve been waking up as soon as the sun comes up. I even have every window covered with  dark green blinds, black sheets and dark blue curtains, so it’s not the light from the early morning sun that is waking me up.

I got my flu shot on Friday and had a physical exam, but I refused to be weighed and I also refused to have a pap and breast exam. My doctor wasn’t very impressed but she didn’t push it… she admitted to me that she is afraid to push me to have things done because of my temper. She switched me from Ativan to Klonopin because the Ativan seems to have stopped working. She did spend just over an hour with me and she agreed with me about the way I feel regarding doctors: my therapist deals with my mind, my Osteopathic doctor is supposed to fix my back (only my back) and she is supposed to prescribe meds and make sure I’m not going to keel over anytime soon. Simple as that. She understood why I got so mad about my Osteopathic doctor trying to make me keep a food journal and prove to her what I’m eating and trying to diagnose my mental disorders. That’s not her place.

Ugh. Sorry, I’m still mad about that.

Today’s agenda: nothing. Exactly how I like it 🙂

{October 3, 2012}   Cranky Pants!

I went to see my Doctor of Osteopathy this morning. She apparently reviewed my chart and racked her brain on why a twenty-three year old girl’s body refuses to heal itself or aid in the healing process. So she asked me a lot of questions:

“How many cigarettes do you smoke per day?”

Half a pack.

“How often do you drink alcoholic beverages?”

Maybe twice a month.

“What about your eating habits?”

***Deer in the headlights look, I know what’s happening here…***

What about my eating habits?

“Well, what do you have for breakfast on a typical day?”

A cup of coffee, maybe two.

“Uh-huh, and lunch?”

***I look at the floor and shake my head before meeting her eyes again***

“Um, I think I see a pattern… dinner?”

Depends on the day.

“What did you have for dinner last night?”

***Finally! Easy question!***

Ham, peas and potatoes. (With a side of  Senokot).

“Some meat is good. What about dinner the night before?”

Ummm… I went to bed early and missed out on dinner…

“Well, do you know what Anorexia is? Has anyone ever talked to you about it?”

Um, yeah, I know what it is and no, no, no… I’m not anorexic.

“Then why do you not eat?” ***She gives me an exasperated look***

Because I don’t get hungry. Simple as that. (Insert defense mode and attitude here).

“Because you’ve trained yourself to ignore it. You have to eat, your body needs the fuel… (lecture continues, she sounds like the teacher from Charlie Brown).” Just when I think the lecture is over she slips in, “You’re killing yourself. Do you know that?”

***I look away, stay silent***

“I’ll manipulate your body today but I want you to keep a food diary and bring it into me the next time I see you. If you’re not helping yourself, I can’t help you. Do you want a number for a counselor?”

No, I have a therapist.


Needless to say, I did not make another appointment. I’m pissed. At myself. Why didn’t I lie and make up some foods that I ate? Why did I sit there like a little kid being scolded and let her lecture me on and on? Why didn’t I say anything as she worked on me and kept slipping in little tid-bits about eating disorders? Today is a depressing, rainy day and when I came home I came straight to my room, turned my pager off, closed the curtains and I fully plan on staying isolated today. Maybe tomorrow, too. Shit, maybe for the next week or two. I’m so angry that I feel it would be dangerous for me to be around anyone.


Yet another unseasonably warm, beautiful day today. Ah, I love it! I spent all day right outside soaking up the sun, drinking beer with my Dad, walking the dog, driving with my windows and sunroof open 🙂   It feels so good! I did pass out around four this afternoon, though, and slept for about two and a half hours. My sleep schedule is null again… I’m not sleeping hardly at all. So I think the combination of exhaustion and fresh air with the sun beating down was good for me. Oh, and I have to thank my Dad for being Chiricahua- that’s the only reason I don’t burn to a crisp, but get a nice tan instead. Haha!

I had physical therapy this morning. I was hurting rather badly before PT, so it didn’t help me at all. My back feels broken, even more so after exercising and strength training at PT. My PT did say that the new pain in my shoulder is due to the tendons in my AC joint, something about them sliding out of place and pinching and yada-yada. I see the surgeon again in a little less than two weeks, maybe she can explain it a little better. It’s all I can do not to yell at them, “You know what’s wrong, stop telling me about it and fix it!” It’s very frustrating. Next month, April, marks a year of this crap. I’m ready for it to be over, more than ready.

Finally, I must apologize for my lack of poems. I’ve been wanting to pen new ones but have simply been distracted with this gorgeous weather we’ve been having. They’re in my head, I just have to put them on paper. I’ll try to do better. For now, I’m going to go do some exercising. I definitely need to do a lot of that tonight after I ate that burger last night. Sigh. There’s always a price to pay.

I am still looking forward to seeing my psychotherapist tomorrow morning. AND getting my sutures out tomorrow!!!! I’m more excited about that than I probably should be.

{March 19, 2012}   I’m Caving In

I’ve been doing so well not eating crap and not eating when I don’t have to. But I got some new exercise toys today and have done quite a workout… now I’m going to ruin everything with a big juicy burger. Ugh. I have allowed myself to talk myself into it by saying, “It’s not fast food & it has protein”. I just know I’m going to pay for it, but if I don’t eat this now then I’ll go on a binge on something much more unhealthy soon. I guess you win some & you lose some. Sigh.

On a bright note: the weather is getting warmer, the snow is disappearing and I’m ready to get outside and start really exercising! I’m excited because there’s only so much you can do in your home if you don’t have a big fancy gym. And I don’t have a big fancy in-home gym :/

I definitely feel like I could skip my physical therapy in the morning with all of the exercises I did today. But I sure can use a good kneading to get rid of these knots in my neck and shoulder. I wish I could feel this good everyday. How awesome would that be. I even left my house to visit with my parents today. And it went well! I had a few beers and chatted with them for a couple of hours and then came home and busted my ass exercising. I think it will be an early bedtime tonight 🙂

{February 13, 2012}   Punished

     So I didn’t crash as expected Saturday night. In fact, I seemed to gain more energy. I exercised for two hours yesterday afternoon without taking a breather. Then last night I lost all of my self-control and stuffed my pudgy face with noodles and tomato sauce. Talk about calorie and carb overload. Anyway, I finally crashed around two this morning and slept for a straight, solid ten hours. It was like a coma sleep, I don’t remember falling asleep or having any dreams. Shit, I don’t even remember crawling into bed.

When I finally awoke from my ‘coma sleep’ I felt like I had been hit by a school bus. I still do. My body is punishing me for a destructive day yesterday. Every muscle in my body hurts to the point where even typing is painful. Pretty pathetic. And my belly… oh it definitely hates me this morning. I feel like I gained ten pounds over night, like I should be expecting to give birth any day now. I definitely hurt my already injured shoulder, too.

It’s a vicious cycle. I exercise so I can stay ‘fit’, yet the more I exercise the more I hurt. My body asks for food, yet I give it what it wants and I feel the worse for it. It’s as though I am being punished for doing the right things, but if I continue to do the ‘wrong’ things I feel fine, great in fact. It’s a no-win situation that only throws me into a deeper depression and fuels my raging inner anger. (Hahaha, try saying ‘raging inner anger’ ten times fast.)

I think today is going to be a lazy day for me, despite the fact that I should try to reverse the junk I ate last night with another couple of hours of exercising. I feel like I have failed myself and now I need a little time to bring myself back up out of that dark hole I have plunged into head-first.

et cetera