notokinthehead











{August 18, 2013}   ~*High*~

I’ve been strong for far too long,
I just can’t keep the pace.
I’ve been carrying on,
driving down the same old roads,
I’m losing faith, starting to lose face.
Seems it’s the same from day-to-day,
It seems nothing ever changes.
I’ve nothing left to lose,
there’s nothing left to gain,
I’m all out of things to say.
These pills only kill the pain for just so long,
just one more line, I think-
and I’ll be able to go on.
I’ve run out of cigarettes
and I’m down to my last shot of whiskey,
I know that if I keep this up
this lifestyle will kill me.
I need a helping hand,
someone to save me from myself
because I don’t think I can,
and I don’t know how much more I can stand.
I feel I’ve lost my mind- all concept of time-
and I’m going to extremes just to unwind.
So hold me close and don’t let me go,
I’m becoming my own worst enemy.
Hold me tight and don’t let my mind take flight,
I feel it’s getting harder for me to breathe.
I’m sorry if my words have brought you down,
it seems like you’re always around
for the good and the bad days,
when I’m feeling crazy, a touch insane.
You get it all,
the best of me and the worst of me,
now that I’m down on my knees, crying ‚Äúplease”
I hear you whispering to me calmly,
soothing away my misery.
I realize you make me want to be a better person,
and I know that through trials and tribulations
your love and patience can replace my addictions.



I’ve been absent in the blogging world for about a week now. I’ve kind of taken a nose dive into depression. It’s been coming for a while but it seems it’s finally caught up with me. As usual it’s a smorgasbord of things that all came together and piled up until I can’t smile through the pain and misery any longer. For example: the back and shoulder pain has reached a point where it’s unbearable. My doctor gave me Vicodyn but informed me on Monday that she will not give me anymore (she’s only given me one script for 15). My nephew, who moved into my home six weeks ago, has several developmental disabilities that we were not prepared for and I just do not have the patience for him. Paperwork and reports are steadily piling up on my desk at the Fire Station and I don’t have the concentration to get it all done. I’m frustrated and angry with myself. I’m depressed. I spent the entire day in bed today and I’ve been taking the Vicodyn every 3-4 hours and I’m pretty sure that I’m going to be a full-on narcotic addict within the next week.
To top it all off I accidentally slammed my finger in an engine’s compartment door tonight, slicing it deeply and bruising the shit out of it, causing it to swell to the point where my knuckle is nonexistent. It sure seems like nothing goes right when you’re already depressed.

image



{August 11, 2013}   ~*Love’s End*~
Another poem I just penned.

Another poem I just penned.



{July 25, 2013}   Goodbye Life Preserver

Quick replay of the last two weeks: my seventeen year old nephew moved in and my whole world shook. I gave up half of my floor so the kid would have a place to sleep. He was basically kidnapped from us when he was three and I was seven years old. His father (no relation to me) did hard time for raping a three year old girl (not nearly enough time, if you ask me). Suddenly the State places him in my home two weeks ago. We really don’t know anything about this kid except he watches Spongebob 16 hours a day and sleeps the rest.

Fast-forward to the present: I’m sitting in my car at a Dunkin’ Donuts a few towns over from my house. Why? Because my niece is in my bed. My parents don’t trust my nephew with my seven year old niece because of what his father did and so they won’t put her in a room that isn’t locked up like Fort Knox.

I’m sitting here at Dunkin’ Donuts sipping my coffee and thinking about it all. I’m usually not a selfish person. However, I feel like the line has been crossed. My one safe, quiet place has been taken away. I should probably mention that my niece does not have to stay at my house, but my Mother likes to have her sleep over a few nights a week. So why isn’t she in my Mother’s bed???

Some nights when I’m undressing for bed I feel like I should check my clothes for dirty shoe prints because it sure feels like I’m being trampled on an awful lot.



{July 1, 2013}   Cry Baby

Since I’ve been out of physical therapy for two weeks things have progressively gotten worse. I’ve had almost a constant dead-arm (pins and needles, heavy, goes completely numb) for over a week, my shoulder blade and my entire back are almost unbearably achy and I’ve had a shooting, sharp pain going from my lower back down my left leg. And did I mention that the pain clinic dropped me like a hot cake, with no reason given, a week ago? I’ve had a pretty rough few weeks. I admit I’ve had a bad attitude and been in a bad mood since they dropped me as a patient. I turn the sad feelings such as hopelessness, helplessness and sorrow into anger. I guess it’s just easier to be angry than to be any of the above mentioned emotions. Of course I already have the anger issues, even when things are going great. I think the combination of everything over the last few weeks makes a volatile poison. When the pain clinic dropped me I was awash with hopelessness. Even though I was still in pain while receiving treatment the fact that they were trying to help me gave me hope. Now that no one is trying to help the pain, the hope has vanished. I don’t know where I go from here. In the area that I live in the pain clinic was the last resort.

As I laid in bed for a few hours this morning, staring at the ceiling, thinking and daydreaming, I realized that as badly as I want to pick up and start anew somewhere where no one knows me and I can find my true self, it won’t stop the pain from coming. It won’t stop the eruption of anger. I can’t run away from these problems for they have literally become a part of me and who I am. At least here I have my friends and my family, people who care about me and even a select few who understand what I’ve been through and what I’m going through. I can wish all day that circumstances were different than what they are, but it won’t do me any good. I need to do something about it before I see any results. So far every door I’ve chosen had led me down a dead end hallway, but like a game show, I know one of the doors will lead me to the prize. I just have to find the strength and determination to keep opening the doors and going down those dark hallways until I find the light at the end of the tunnel.

So basically… I’m going to need a lot more coffee.



{June 26, 2013}   Explicit Day= Explicit Lyrics

I have had the day from hell. Remembering that I have it a lot better than many other people do, I’m blowing off some steam with Godsmack and explicit lyrics.

 



{June 15, 2013}   Music Therapy

I don’t know about you but when I’m feeling depressed (which happens way too much) I turn to music more often than not. Happy music, sad music, angry music, love songs… whatever. I rock out to my own little karaoke, either in my car driving around or sitting in my room on youtube, and it helps lift my mood a little. Here are a few songs that got me tonight:

 



{June 14, 2013}   I Will Wait for You

What do you
do when your
dreams go up
in smoke? Where
do you go
when you can’t
go home? Who
do you turn
to when everyone
is gone? Where
do you end
up when there’s
nowhere you belong?

Time marches on
and every step
makes you more
tired, you get
a coffee to
go and you’re
wired. You listen
to the radio,
hoping to hear
a song to
make you feel
inspired.

The sun starts
to set on
all your faded
lies, in the
mirror the truths
still hide in
your eyes. Bent
but not broken,
ashamed of words
left unspoken.

In the morning
you will wake
to face another
brutal day. Try
to keep your
head up, try
and be brave.
You’ll make it
through, you always
do, and at
the end of
this dark tunnel
I will be
waiting for you.



{April 12, 2013}   You Win Some, You Lose Some

There has been one hell of a war going on within the Fire Department between the Chief (C1) and the Assistant Chief (C2). It was kind of like Twilight, except there was Team C1 and Team C2. Well, we no longer have an Assistant Chief, he was terminated because he thought it was acceptable to physically threaten the Fire Department members who weren’t rallying with him. It has been a stressful week and to top it off the former C2 has been dragging my name through the mud on public television and in the local newspaper. I now have enemies whom I’ve never met, let alone heard of their names.

The war rages on and I’ve been thrown on the front lines. All I want is to do my job- help people. For now I’m going to stick it out and keep a low profile but the chances are good that I will have to quit my beloved job. Fortunately I have many people backing me up.

Politics suck.



{April 2, 2013}   Stuck In A Rut

Last night we went to a chimney fire at the end of a class five road- meaning the road’s upkeep is up to the homeowner who lives in the house at the end of the road. Keep in mind that mud season has just started for us. I was driving the ambulance by myself, following our biggest (and heaviest) engine when the engine got stuck halfway up the steep driveway, burying the rear end to the floorboards. The guys hiked the rest of the driveway and I very careful backed the ambulance back down the hill. When I got to the bottom I began to drive the ambulance away from the driveway so they could safely get the engine out when the entire passenger side of the rig found a sinkhole. After about five minutes and what seemed like forever, I expertly drove the ambulance up and out of the sinkhole. When I parked and got out to survey the damage I observed my tire ruts that were about two and a half to three feet deep and saw that the mud went about halfway up the passenger side door. I got lucky that I was able to maneuver the rig out of the sinkhole. We had to have a heavy-duty tow truck pull the engine out.

Today I rearranged my bedroom because I got sick of bashing my head off of a shelf that hung at the head of my bed. Now my body is useless and aching. I haven’t had injections, pain medicine or physical therapy in about a month because I’ve been fighting with the insurance company about my deductible. It took them three weeks to apply my paid deductible and they finally approved it on Friday. Conveniently, of course, since no doctors are open Saturdays and Sundays and I was due for another deductible Monday.

I just want some pain relief!



et cetera