notokinthehead











{August 23, 2013}   We Are All One

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{August 22, 2013}   ~*What A Girl Wants*~

She Is Me



{August 18, 2013}   ~*High*~

I’ve been strong for far too long,
I just can’t keep the pace.
I’ve been carrying on,
driving down the same old roads,
I’m losing faith, starting to lose face.
Seems it’s the same from day-to-day,
It seems nothing ever changes.
I’ve nothing left to lose,
there’s nothing left to gain,
I’m all out of things to say.
These pills only kill the pain for just so long,
just one more line, I think-
and I’ll be able to go on.
I’ve run out of cigarettes
and I’m down to my last shot of whiskey,
I know that if I keep this up
this lifestyle will kill me.
I need a helping hand,
someone to save me from myself
because I don’t think I can,
and I don’t know how much more I can stand.
I feel I’ve lost my mind- all concept of time-
and I’m going to extremes just to unwind.
So hold me close and don’t let me go,
I’m becoming my own worst enemy.
Hold me tight and don’t let my mind take flight,
I feel it’s getting harder for me to breathe.
I’m sorry if my words have brought you down,
it seems like you’re always around
for the good and the bad days,
when I’m feeling crazy, a touch insane.
You get it all,
the best of me and the worst of me,
now that I’m down on my knees, crying ‚Äúplease”
I hear you whispering to me calmly,
soothing away my misery.
I realize you make me want to be a better person,
and I know that through trials and tribulations
your love and patience can replace my addictions.



I’ve been absent in the blogging world for about a week now. I’ve kind of taken a nose dive into depression. It’s been coming for a while but it seems it’s finally caught up with me. As usual it’s a smorgasbord of things that all came together and piled up until I can’t smile through the pain and misery any longer. For example: the back and shoulder pain has reached a point where it’s unbearable. My doctor gave me Vicodyn but informed me on Monday that she will not give me anymore (she’s only given me one script for 15). My nephew, who moved into my home six weeks ago, has several developmental disabilities that we were not prepared for and I just do not have the patience for him. Paperwork and reports are steadily piling up on my desk at the Fire Station and I don’t have the concentration to get it all done. I’m frustrated and angry with myself. I’m depressed. I spent the entire day in bed today and I’ve been taking the Vicodyn every 3-4 hours and I’m pretty sure that I’m going to be a full-on narcotic addict within the next week.
To top it all off I accidentally slammed my finger in an engine’s compartment door tonight, slicing it deeply and bruising the shit out of it, causing it to swell to the point where my knuckle is nonexistent. It sure seems like nothing goes right when you’re already depressed.

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{August 11, 2013}   ~*Love’s End*~
Another poem I just penned.

Another poem I just penned.



{July 24, 2013}   ~*Time Slipping Away*~

Time Slipping Away



Lately my bedtime goes like this:
>>>>> One sheep, two sheep, cow, turtle, duck, Ol’ McDonald had a farm, heeeyyyy Macarena! I hate everybody. Am I really upset that the doctor’s office hasn’t sent me a bill yet? Shit, I forgot to take my medication today. I need to put gas in my car. I’m two weeks and three dead bodies behind on reports. I need to fall asleep now, I have to get up in three hours and fifty-five minutes. I can’t wait for my friend to come up on the nineteenth. My Portuguese is way better than it was, but it needs a lot of improvement. I’m going to be dragging ass tomorrow. I’m praying that someone can take this pain away. Ugh, three hours and fifty minutes. It’ll take me, what, an hour and a half to fall into a restful sleep, if I can, then I have to get up two hours and ten minutes later? But I’m still dressed, so round it off to maybe two hours of sleep. I wonder if I’ll be able to get a nap in tomorrow? If I could write you a song to make you fall in love I would already have you up under my arm… you think you’re cooler than me.

Am I the only one? (I’m the only one who’ll walk across the fire for you, and I’m the only one who’ll drown in my desire for you…). It’s never ending!



{July 1, 2013}   Cry Baby

Since I’ve been out of physical therapy for two weeks things have progressively gotten worse. I’ve had almost a constant dead-arm (pins and needles, heavy, goes completely numb) for over a week, my shoulder blade and my entire back are almost unbearably achy and I’ve had a shooting, sharp pain going from my lower back down my left leg. And did I mention that the pain clinic dropped me like a hot cake, with no reason given, a week ago? I’ve had a pretty rough few weeks. I admit I’ve had a bad attitude and been in a bad mood since they dropped me as a patient. I turn the sad feelings such as hopelessness, helplessness and sorrow into anger. I guess it’s just easier to be angry than to be any of the above mentioned emotions. Of course I already have the anger issues, even when things are going great. I think the combination of everything over the last few weeks makes a volatile poison. When the pain clinic dropped me I was awash with hopelessness. Even though I was still in pain while receiving treatment the fact that they were trying to help me gave me hope. Now that no one is trying to help the pain, the hope has vanished. I don’t know where I go from here. In the area that I live in the pain clinic was the last resort.

As I laid in bed for a few hours this morning, staring at the ceiling, thinking and daydreaming, I realized that as badly as I want to pick up and start anew somewhere where no one knows me and I can find my true self, it won’t stop the pain from coming. It won’t stop the eruption of anger. I can’t run away from these problems for they have literally become a part of me and who I am. At least here I have my friends and my family, people who care about me and even a select few who understand what I’ve been through and what I’m going through. I can wish all day that circumstances were different than what they are, but it won’t do me any good. I need to do something about it before I see any results. So far every door I’ve chosen had led me down a dead end hallway, but like a game show, I know one of the doors will lead me to the prize. I just have to find the strength and determination to keep opening the doors and going down those dark hallways until I find the light at the end of the tunnel.

So basically… I’m going to need a lot more coffee.



{June 26, 2013}   Explicit Day= Explicit Lyrics

I have had the day from hell. Remembering that I have it a lot better than many other people do, I’m blowing off some steam with Godsmack and explicit lyrics.

 



{June 15, 2013}   Music Therapy

I don’t know about you but when I’m feeling depressed (which happens way too much) I turn to music more often than not. Happy music, sad music, angry music, love songs… whatever. I rock out to my own little karaoke, either in my car driving around or sitting in my room on youtube, and it helps lift my mood a little. Here are a few songs that got me tonight:

 



et cetera