notokinthehead











{September 21, 2013}   Puppets

puppetSo I have a good friend who’s having a hard time right now. I think it would be safe to say that she’s having a bit of a mental breakdown. I’ve been there for her every day, until I had to have thirty injections in my back and have been legitimately drugged up. All of a sudden I’m the enemy. I’m a liar, I’m selfish and I don’t care about her or what she’s going through. ARGH! Finally last night I had to shut my phone off and avoid all social media. I got to my breaking point, she pushed me over the edge. Then tonight I’m hanging out with a friend and she starts texting my friend telling him how I blew her off and all of a sudden I don’t have any time for her, etc. I don’t have the patience for this crap. I’m in pain.

Being friends with her is like being a puppet on a string. Anybody who is friends with her is her puppet on a string. She says who I can and cannot be friends with, where I can and cannot go and when I’m going to do this and that. Maybe I am being selfish in the way that I’m not going to answer to anyone. I’m my own person and will do and see who I please, whenever I want. I’m single and I have ZERO responsibilities. That’s how I like it.

So tonight I’m struggling with writing her an email explaining that I do love her, she’s like a big sister to me, but I can’t play all these games. I won’t play all of these games. Take me or leave me, but I’m not a puppet on a string and I won’t listen to the b.s. that results from me doing what I want to do.



{September 13, 2013}   Cool, Rainy Nights

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Tonight I cleaned my ass off at a friends house, trying to make it habitable. My reward: a nice, relaxing time in the hot tub with the cool, pouring rain coming down. It worked wonders on my achy back and shoulders. I’m spending the night with a great friend and then just hanging out tomorrow. Time for this girl to take a break from the every day stress ๐Ÿ™‚



{September 4, 2013}   I’m A Big Kid Now

LGI finally broke down and ordered a new cell phone… a touch screen phone. I guess I’m finally growing up, or just breaking down and following trends? I’ve had the old flip-style phones since I got my very first cell phone ten years ago. However I’ve never had much luck with them: one went swimming in the river on a kayaking trip, one got washed with my clothes, two got thrown and smashed, one got run over by a firetruck and my latest one, the one I have now, is worn out. Half of the buttons no longer work and I’m going through texting withdrawals. So I got on the computer, felt like I was cheating on a significant other, and researched cell phones. I’ve decided to go with Straight Talk and the L38G Optimus Dynamic LG. It should be here Monday and I’ll be put to the test. I have all I can manage to use my Kindle Fire HD because it’s a touch-screen and there’s no keyboard or mouse. I’m quite technologically challenged, to say the least. I do feel confident in my latest endeavor, though. The only thing that disappoints me is that I cannot seem to find a case for it with either a Maltese Cross (fire department symbol) or the Star of Life (EMS symbol). I can’t even find a decent-looking pink camouflage case. So it looks like I’m going to have to settle for a plain pink and black case.

I guess I could be having far worse troubles than a physically disabled cell phone and not getting exactly what I want.

On the very bright side of things I’m finally getting into the Pain Clinic on Friday and will be able to get more pain meds. That will be a huge relief and help me out tremendously. I’ve spent much too much time working on the computer at my office for the last few weeks and my body does not like it. Deadlines are evil, I like to freelance!



{September 4, 2013}   I’m With The Band

Steel Pans

This evening I went and did something crazy… I tried out for a Steel Drum Band and was chosen! Mind you I’d never touched a Steel Drum, let alone seen one in real life, before tonight. They showed me a few things, I banged them out with no problem and perfect rhythm and BANG! I’m in! It’s pretty exciting and gives me something to look forward to. And it’s sooo much fun! It doesn’t do any miracles for my shoulder and back pain but the emotional benefits seem to outweigh the negative physical effects. We’re going to get together every Tuesday night from now until May, when we will participate in a Steel Drum Festival. I’m already nervous but I’m excited at the same time. I love music, I love playing music and I’m thrilled to be a part of a musical group once again. It’s also a plus that I’m learning a new instrument ๐Ÿ™‚

Man, it’s been much too long since I’ve been this excited about something.



{August 29, 2013}   Rainy Days

Rainy days make me lazy. So does severe lack of sleep. Thanks to the rain I was awake all night with my shoulder throbbing.
So today’s plans are to lay around and watch The L Word. Fortunately for me about two weeks ago while under the influence of a new medication I bought a subscription to Netflix. I only found out by looking at my credit card statement.
So there’s my day.



{August 29, 2013}   Addictions

Addictions



{August 23, 2013}   We Are All One

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{August 22, 2013}   ~*What A Girl Wants*~

She Is Me



{August 18, 2013}   ~*High*~

I’ve been strong for far too long,
I just can’t keep the pace.
I’ve been carrying on,
driving down the same old roads,
I’m losing faith, starting to lose face.
Seems it’s the same from day-to-day,
It seems nothing ever changes.
I’ve nothing left to lose,
there’s nothing left to gain,
I’m all out of things to say.
These pills only kill the pain for just so long,
just one more line, I think-
and I’ll be able to go on.
I’ve run out of cigarettes
and I’m down to my last shot of whiskey,
I know that if I keep this up
this lifestyle will kill me.
I need a helping hand,
someone to save me from myself
because I don’t think I can,
and I don’t know how much more I can stand.
I feel I’ve lost my mind- all concept of time-
and I’m going to extremes just to unwind.
So hold me close and don’t let me go,
I’m becoming my own worst enemy.
Hold me tight and don’t let my mind take flight,
I feel it’s getting harder for me to breathe.
I’m sorry if my words have brought you down,
it seems like you’re always around
for the good and the bad days,
when I’m feeling crazy, a touch insane.
You get it all,
the best of me and the worst of me,
now that I’m down on my knees, crying โ€œplease”
I hear you whispering to me calmly,
soothing away my misery.
I realize you make me want to be a better person,
and I know that through trials and tribulations
your love and patience can replace my addictions.



I’ve been absent in the blogging world for about a week now. I’ve kind of taken a nose dive into depression. It’s been coming for a while but it seems it’s finally caught up with me. As usual it’s a smorgasbord of things that all came together and piled up until I can’t smile through the pain and misery any longer. For example: the back and shoulder pain has reached a point where it’s unbearable. My doctor gave me Vicodyn but informed me on Monday that she will not give me anymore (she’s only given me one script for 15). My nephew, who moved into my home six weeks ago, has several developmental disabilities that we were not prepared for and I just do not have the patience for him. Paperwork and reports are steadily piling up on my desk at the Fire Station and I don’t have the concentration to get it all done. I’m frustrated and angry with myself. I’m depressed. I spent the entire day in bed today and I’ve been taking the Vicodyn every 3-4 hours and I’m pretty sure that I’m going to be a full-on narcotic addict within the next week.
To top it all off I accidentally slammed my finger in an engine’s compartment door tonight, slicing it deeply and bruising the shit out of it, causing it to swell to the point where my knuckle is nonexistent. It sure seems like nothing goes right when you’re already depressed.

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et cetera