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{November 11, 2013}   My Playlist

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“I’m gonna make it to the top, well let me show you, and if I’ve got to toughen up then that is what I’ll do, don’t make me a monster, baby, you’d be crazy, that’s for sure…” ~Jem

Nonessential information: I have a routine I must follow or I go completely ballistic- Go to Dunkin’ Donuts every Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday night at ten o’clock in the evening to get my medium, hot, French Vanilla, extra-extra with a shot of espresso and three ice cubes. Then I sit in my car in the parking lot, listening to music, and drink exactly half of the coffee before taking the long way home. I need this time, this constant, or I go totally ape-shit.

My current playlist is:
1.) “24” by Jem
2.) “Good Enough” by Sarah McLaughlin
3.) “In the Arms of an Angel” by Sarah McLaughlin
4.) “Save Me” by Jem
5.) “Seduces Me” by Celine Dion
6.) “They” by Jem
7.) “Come Over Here” by Sarah Bettens
8.) “Dreamin’ of You” by Celine Dion
9.) “Adia” by Sarah McLaughlin
10.) “Do What You Have to Do” by Sarah McLaughlin
11.) “Falling Into You” by Celine Dion
12.) “Fire on the Mountain” by Rob Thomas
13.) “I Always Knew” by Jem
14.) “Just Stay Here Tonight” by Augustana
15.) “Thank You” by Dido

Because fifteen songs is way too many to post the videos of I chose a few of my favorites, three that really speak to me at the moment:



{November 3, 2013}   Remembering High School Hell

While sitting at the coffee shop late last night, doing my crossword puzzle, I kept getting distracted by giggles coming from the corner of the shop. The high-pitch giggling was coming from three teenage girls who seemed to be watching videos on one of those outrageously expensive iPhones. I couldn’t help but notice how much it looked like myself sitting there with a few friends in my High School Hell days. The three girls were all considered obese (much like myself and the friends I kept), they hid in a corner of the room (just like me and my friends did) and every time a good looking boy walked in to get a coffee they went all googly-eyed and giggly (just like we used to).

I really got to thinking about my teen years on my drive home. Not so much reminiscing, as I wouldn’t say my high school days were enjoyable, but more like remembering the hell I went through and dealt with on a daily basis. Much of the hell in my own mind. My thoughts came to rest on how I so badly wanted a boyfriend when I was with my friends, but how I was so head-over-heels in love with, 1. My Middle School Principal, 2. My Social Studies teacher, 3. My Algebra teacher and 4. My Algebra II teacher, who were all women. Of course I kept my fantasies to myself. I guess I’ve always known I’m a lesbian but I denied it for many years because it’s just not acceptable around here. I think I wanted a boyfriend so bad for a few reasons: 1. Maybe people would overlook how fat I was because I must be worth something- I have a boyfriend, 2. If I had a boyfriend then I had to love him, so I wouldn’t be so obsessed with my female teachers. Maybe I’d finally be normal? 3. Maybe I wouldn’t be such a social outcast anymore, because like the ‘popular’ girls, I’d also have a boyfriend- therefore I’d finally have something in common with the popular crowd other than my excellent grades.

Needless to say, boyfriend or no boyfriend, I never got “into guys”, though God knows I tried and I’m glad I didn’t. Women are pretty amazing. Looking back to those days makes me realize that I had to go through high school hell to find myself. I’m really glad I went through it back then because I couldn’t even imagine what it would be like to be going through it in my mid-twenties.



{October 20, 2013}   A Cat? A Dog? A Toddler?
Babe and I reading a book.

Babe and I reading a book.

My cat, Babe, doesn’t seem to know what she is. She looks like a cat, acts like a dog and sits like a toddler in it’s mother’s lap. However, Babe is my best friend in the world. She’s nonjudgmental, she loves me no matter what mood I’m in, she doesn’t nag or ask endless questions and she’s always loving. If Babe were a person instead of a cat she’d be my soul mate, not doubt.

This revelation comes at a time when I’m mourning a friendship that has recently ended. I was pretty much over it when it ended, it was me who said “enough, I can’t do this anymore”, but the former friend won’t let sleeping dogs lie. She is understandably angry about how the friendship suddenly ceased to be and it seems that every other day she is texting me something outrageous and accusing. This is very much the reason I had to end the friendship in the way that I did. She is mentally ill and refuses to seek help. Unfortunately, I cannot help her and I was hoping that by walking away like I did she would realize that her friends have disappeared one by one and by no one’s fault except her own, and somehow she would see that she needs to get help. So far it has not worked out that way. This evening while driving around and enjoying my music I received yet another unpleasant text from this woman. She is now accusing me of stealing $5,000 from her… last week. It’s been at least a month since I’ve seen her. She’s calling me every name in the book and then some and accusing me of stealing the money from her and threatening to call the police. Oh how I hope she does. It would make me feel better. I’ve done a lot for her in the past eight years and it really hurts that she would pull something like this. I wouldn’t take a penny from someone without asking and then I’d give them a dollar to pay them back. THAT’S the type of person I am. I guess the only thing I can do is ignore the texts and try to convince myself that she doesn’t matter and anyone who does matter won’t believe her absurd stories.

I’m learning that being a good person only gets you heartache and pain. At this rate I will be a bitter cat lady within the next five years.



{October 4, 2013}   Looking for my Princess

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{September 3, 2013}   ~*Take My Time*~

Take My Time



{August 29, 2013}   Addictions

Addictions



{August 29, 2013}   Where I Belong

Where I Belong



{August 22, 2013}   ~*What A Girl Wants*~

She Is Me



{August 11, 2013}   ~*Love’s End*~
Another poem I just penned.

Another poem I just penned.



{August 6, 2013}   ~*Love Letter*~

Love Letter



et cetera