notokinthehead











{November 6, 2012}   When the Victim Wins

What a night! I got a page for a domestic violence, stage and wait for police to clear the scene, etc. We finally went on scene to find a young female (not sure of age, my partner tended to her) with an obviously broken nose covered in blood. While my partner tended to this patient I assisted the police with their suspect who had been attacked by a pit bull when he assaulted his girlfriend. The guy was a mess. The dog didn’t bite him but he ended up tearing him up with his claws pretty good. I did my assessment, asked if he’d like to go to the hospital and he refused transport (he was drunk as hell). So I cleaned him up per the police Chief’s request (“don’t want blood in my cruiser”) and sent him on his way to jail. The female victim also refused transport opting to drive herself instead and my partner and I gave the dog a biscuit. It’s a shame that she had to suffer a punch and a broken nose, but she’s lucky she has such a loyal and protecting dog. It could have been much worse for her, but it was definitely him who got the worst of it all. As far as I’m concerned, the victim won this time!

Once I cleared the station I returned home to find a suspicious vehicle sitting at the end of my driveway. There was a man in the driver’s seat, it was running but the lights were off. I gave him ten minutes to leave in case he was pulled over to text or something. When he didn’t leave and instead got out of the truck and just disappeared from sight, I grabbed my gun and the phone. I called the officer I had just been with at the last call and gave him the license plate number and description of the vehicle. The officer was here in less than thirty seconds. I’m not exaggerating. While we were talking about the subject the vehicle was registered to, the guy hopped into the truck and tore off in a hurry. The cop caught up to him and gave him the third degree but ultimately had to let him go because there was nothing to get him on. Fortunately for me, I now have a good reputation in this town and the police officer will be driving by several times throughout the night.

It’s been a very stressful day and the night wasn’t much better. Now I’m going to load up on some Aspirin, smother on some Voltaren Gel, lay on my heating pad and watch some Chelsea Lately.

Chelsea Handler & Chuy Bravo



{October 1, 2012}   Psych!… Emergencies

It’s incredibly sad and amazing how many psych calls we get in my town. Being on the rescue squad I have to go. I’d really rather not, especially when the patient is wielding a machete. These calls bother me especially and the only reason I can think of is something in each of my psych patients reminds me of me: thirteen year old boy, overdosed on anti-depressants and flipped out in anger. Fifty-nine year old man, lonely, tired of being disabled, overdosed on Oxycodone and pulled a machete when the cops showed up (that was this morning’s call). Forty-two year old female, “just tired”, overdosed on alcohol and Citalopram and turned the gas on in her residence so she could “take a nap and feel better”. Every one of these patients were reaching out for help, wanting someone to care, someone to be there for them. I’ve been there and I still revisit those old feelings from time to time. I understand them, and that scares me, for I know many people don’t and I have heard my own partners call them “crazy” at the end of the shift. They’re not crazy. They’re hurting, they feel defeated and they’re doing the only thing they can in their desperation to say “I need help”.

I console myself by knowing that I was the first one there when they needed the help, I held their hands and I listened to them. Just by being there and giving them my undivided attention I’ve showed them that they are not alone, that people do care about what happens to them. I’ve demonstrated to them that when they need someone, someone will be there for them. I wish I could get to them before they do something drastic and life-threatening, but that’s unrealistic in my profession. I just have to take comfort in knowing that I was there, I am here, and I will go running out the door every time they call, racing to their side to aide them, both physically and emotionally.



{September 19, 2012}   *~Sorry, Maybe~*

Talking to me
is like rolling
the dice. What
will you get?
Will I be
angry or nice?
I couldn’t tell
you, just know
it has nothing
to do with
you. It’s all
about me, me,
me. I’m out
of control, on
a rampage at
times, crying at
others. I will
yearn for your
hug, then turn
around and slap
you. It’s not
me, it’s the
demons that reside
within my crazy
mind. I’m so
sorry if I
hurt you, I
don’t want to.
My words are
sweet at best,
sting like a
white-ass hornet
when I lose
it. I can
promise you this:
This hurts me
more than any
attack I could
break out on
you.

Maybe it’s a
little too late
to ask for
your patience, your
forgiveness. Maybe you
could never understand,
try as you
might. Maybe I
was meant to
push people away
from me. Maybe
my apologies are
worn out, spoken
too many times
with no change
to prove my
repentance. Maybe I
can be a
better person? Though
I won’t ask
you to hold
your breath for
me. I want
To be “average”.
I want to
keep my promises,
be sincere with
my “sorries”. I
don’t want to
be crazy anymore…



{September 19, 2012}   To-Do List One Mile Long

Oh the stresses!

I saw a doctor again this morning and she told me my Scoliosis is getting worse and that it’s causing my upper body to fall out of “balance”. Thank you twisted, bent and curved spine for all of this pain! I will go see her again in two weeks for another adjustment to my back… or entire body, really.

I received a notice in the mail about my court date: November 15th. I immediately called my attorney in a panic to find out if I HAVE to attend the hearing. Unfortunately I do. Of course I am now in a permanent state of panic and anxiety.

I had to call my psychotherapist to see if she would be a “good advocate” for my court hearing. She didn’t answer so I’m anxiously waiting for her to call back. Another reason I want to talk to her: I responded to a call the other night that is bothering me very much. We had to have a police escort to the scene: a twenty-one year old female was violently physically and sexually assaulted and the perp was still on the loose, on foot, in the area. What disturbed me so much about it, and I know well that I am not here to judge my patients, is being the only female responder I was the one to provide care to this patient. As I spoke with her and took care of her she kept smiling an evil smile and laughing. I know this girl, I went to school with her, and there’s nothing mentally wrong with her. She was beaten up, but being a survivor of sexual assault myself, I am having a difficult time dealing with her reaction. This call has been weighing heavily on my mind…

I also had to call a psychologist’s office to request a copy of a psychological evaluation that I had done several months ago. Surprise- no answer! So I’m still waiting to get a call back on that.

AND in less than an hour I have to go get the kids from daycare.

What I really wanted to do today: NOTHING. I wanted to lay in bed or lounge around and try to relax some. But that thought went to hell at 8:30am when my pager went off for an MVA involving a utility pole. Don’t worry, the drunk took off on foot, he wasn’t hurt.



{June 16, 2012}   *~ Coma ~*

Slip away
invincible to feeling.
Inability to comprehend
the beatings from the
outside world.
Thoughts and cruelty
be gone.
I walk, I talk
I breathe and I function
just as well as you
just as well as him
just as well as her.
But unlike you
unlike him
unlike her
my heart has slipped
into a coma.
It’s only function
serves to keep the
blood flowing.
It’s hard as steel
it’s cold as ice
it’s as unflinching
as a stone.
Bad feelings
be gone
feelings of hopelessness
feelings of pain
feelings of loss
feelings of fear.
Feeling nothing.
No happiness
no sadness
no anger
no contentment.
For my heart
has slipped into a
coma.



I finally got the text message I’ve been waiting for all day: my friend is out of surgery & they think it was a success. She’s doing okay. It’s funny how stress and anxiety can make you so tired! So that’s a relief.

My day seems to keep getting longer and more exhausting by the minute. My mother called around two o’clock this afternoon- she was having difficulty with email and her homeowners insurance. I had to go down there and spend a little over two hours talking to a million different people about her policy. I finally got that straightened out. I got home around five forty-five and not ten minutes later my brother called me to meet him at his shop. So I went running up there where we chatted for a little while and he put an inspection sticker on my truck. Now I’m home and I feel like I haven’t stopped in two weeks and the pain in my body keeps increasing.



{March 20, 2012}   Venomous Love

Words full of
venom
anger laced with
poison
slowly killing me
when you say
them
when it’s going
good, it’s great
when it’s bad
it’s like murder-
suicide
take the pain
that you feel
inside
put it onto me
tears run down
your face as you
apologize
you take me
you break me
you lift me up
drop me to my
knees
beg for my
forgiveness
promise only
happiness
from here on
out
say you only
want to make me
proud
show me what love’s
about
you take it back
trust no one
else
sorry you put
us both through
hell
next time it
will be different
there won’t be
a next time
you’d rather
leave
than ever hurt
me
again, I’ve heard
all these lies
before
still, you never
make it through that
door.



{March 11, 2012}   *~Affection~*

I know you see my tears
Falling on my cheeks like acid rain
Yet you look right through me
Refusing to see my pain
You have hypnotized me
Imbedded fear in my brain
I don’t know if it’s love or hate
In my heart it all feels the same.

You go left, I’ll go right
Somehow, we always meet again
I feel the ground shake as the lightning strikes
Somehow, I don’t see this coming to an end
You’ve poisoned me with your promises
I can taste your bitterness
Your refusal to give me happiness
Your delight in causing me sadness.

You’ve cut me off from the outside world
I don’t know why I put up with it
You say you won’t do it again
It was a foolish accident
You hold me up high
To watch me plummet
Always in the wrong place at the wrong time
And you always take advantage of it.

They say it’s assault and you’re sick
You say you don’t need help, it was a slip
They tell me to turn you in
But I’m afraid of the consequence
They say you’ll only do it again
You say it’s all going to end
They tell me to take action
You say it’s how you show affection.



{March 10, 2012}   *~Self Inflicted~*

I’ve got nothing left to lose
And no one to thank but you
I jump in head-first
Into the pool filled with hurt
Taking a liking to drink
So I don’t have to think
It’s downhill from here
Started with a few beers
Then I turned to the hard liquor
It gets me drunk quicker
It lets me escape from the pain
Takes me to another place
Where time is on my side
I stay up through the night
Wondering what I did wrong
I’ve become a sad country song
No one’s a winner when sanity’s at risk
I’ve given into this craziness
It’s my own damn fault
I open the wounds, you pour the salt
The hurt is like an addiction
I’ll take if you want to give
I always come back for more
Why, I’m not sure
No one else gets it
Say it was an accident
“I fell down the staircase”
Explain away bruises on my face
They laugh and call me Grace
“What about the blood stains?”
Yeah, what about them?
It’s not your problem
It’s too late for you to care
When I needed it, no one was there
You get close, I push you away
It’s too late for me to be saved
It doesn’t matter what you say
I chose to live my life this way
I let them do this to me
Hoping someday they’ll love me
But for now I’ll just live my misery
This is how it has to be.



{March 5, 2012}   *~The Victim~*

I can’t be who you want me to be
Take me or leave me
It’s all the same to me
No longer the victim of your disease
You don’t deserve my love and loyalty
A monster is what you’ve made me
I’m not a punching bag for you to beat
I kept your secrets safe with me
But the time has come to set them free
I’m taking back the voice you stole from me
Please let me go, let me be…



et cetera