notokinthehead











{September 18, 2015}   Challenge

So quitting drinking cold turkey is a no-no when you’re at the alcoholic level I’ve made it to. I was terribly sick. Therefore I cannot say that I’ve quit drinking. I can say that I’ve cut back quite a bit. I’m down to about five beer drinks per day, give or take one or two. I feel that is tremendous for me. Though I can’t say that being fully aware of my thoughts and feelings is a welcome thing. Being aware is a challenge, but that’s usually why people turn to addictions in the first place, right? One step at a time…
I’ve got this.



{October 16, 2013}   I’ve Been (Kinda) Published!

I contributed to this book, What is and isn’t Working for the Alcoholic and Addict by Alberta Sequeira. She is a very talented author and I think everyone should read this book. I feel very honored that she let me contribute to her book. I believe her book, as well as the public talks she gives, will help many, many people with their diseases, as well as the loved ones who are affected. I’m determined to help spread the word for this courageous, talented author and get her book known to many!

Here is the link to Amazon. Definitely check it out!

http://www.amazon.com/dp/1492138290/#_swftext_Swf



{August 29, 2013}   Addictions

Addictions



{August 18, 2013}   ~*High*~

I’ve been strong for far too long,
I just can’t keep the pace.
I’ve been carrying on,
driving down the same old roads,
I’m losing faith, starting to lose face.
Seems it’s the same from day-to-day,
It seems nothing ever changes.
I’ve nothing left to lose,
there’s nothing left to gain,
I’m all out of things to say.
These pills only kill the pain for just so long,
just one more line, I think-
and I’ll be able to go on.
I’ve run out of cigarettes
and I’m down to my last shot of whiskey,
I know that if I keep this up
this lifestyle will kill me.
I need a helping hand,
someone to save me from myself
because I don’t think I can,
and I don’t know how much more I can stand.
I feel I’ve lost my mind- all concept of time-
and I’m going to extremes just to unwind.
So hold me close and don’t let me go,
I’m becoming my own worst enemy.
Hold me tight and don’t let my mind take flight,
I feel it’s getting harder for me to breathe.
I’m sorry if my words have brought you down,
it seems like you’re always around
for the good and the bad days,
when I’m feeling crazy, a touch insane.
You get it all,
the best of me and the worst of me,
now that I’m down on my knees, crying “please”
I hear you whispering to me calmly,
soothing away my misery.
I realize you make me want to be a better person,
and I know that through trials and tribulations
your love and patience can replace my addictions.



I’ve been absent in the blogging world for about a week now. I’ve kind of taken a nose dive into depression. It’s been coming for a while but it seems it’s finally caught up with me. As usual it’s a smorgasbord of things that all came together and piled up until I can’t smile through the pain and misery any longer. For example: the back and shoulder pain has reached a point where it’s unbearable. My doctor gave me Vicodyn but informed me on Monday that she will not give me anymore (she’s only given me one script for 15). My nephew, who moved into my home six weeks ago, has several developmental disabilities that we were not prepared for and I just do not have the patience for him. Paperwork and reports are steadily piling up on my desk at the Fire Station and I don’t have the concentration to get it all done. I’m frustrated and angry with myself. I’m depressed. I spent the entire day in bed today and I’ve been taking the Vicodyn every 3-4 hours and I’m pretty sure that I’m going to be a full-on narcotic addict within the next week.
To top it all off I accidentally slammed my finger in an engine’s compartment door tonight, slicing it deeply and bruising the shit out of it, causing it to swell to the point where my knuckle is nonexistent. It sure seems like nothing goes right when you’re already depressed.

image



{July 16, 2013}   Drug Addict’s Candy Store

image

I imagine that from the outside looking in I appear to be a sort of candy store for drug addicts.
Yesterday I went against myself on my stand against taking narcotics. The pain in my shoulder was so excruciating it woke me up around 05:30 and I actually cried from it. So I called my doctor and she gave me some Vicodyn. I’ve been taking, too. It’s finally gotten to the point where I’m in too much pain to go on emergency calls anyway, so I may as well take the pain killers, right? I don’t like the way the Vicodyn makes my head feel though. I’m still trying to decide if the minimal amount of pain relief that it provides is worth feeling drugged. I’m such a light weight. I didn’t sleep well at all last night, I tossed and turned, cried a little from frustration and pain and finally fell into a restless sleep sometime just before 05:00 this morning.
98°F Outside, 94°F in my room right now. Between the heat and humidity and the Vicodyn I’ll probably be passed out soon. On the bright side of things my ice pack is multifunctional today 🙂



{May 28, 2013}   Obsession

I have a new sickness… an obsession…
I found a piano/keyboard game (okay, two) for my tablet and I can’t stop playing! It’s almost four in the morning and I’ve been playing it since about midnight. It’s worse than my Words With Friends or BINGO addiction!
I suppose there are much worse things that I could be doing. I think everyone should give this piano/keyboard game a try!



{January 26, 2013}   *~The Monster~*

I feel the
Tension coiled in
My belly, knotted
In a spiral,
A snake preparing
To strike out.
Deadly poison leaking
From the teeth,
Sinking into my
Thick, round, blue
Vein, pumping through
My core, dispersing
Throughout my body,
Overtaking me entirely.
I become the
Beast I so
Feared, vicious and
Utterly selfish, taking
For my own
Greed, handing out
Pain and death
Sentences, only happy
To share my
Own betrayals and
Griefs. Once bitten,
The sick magic
Forces you to
Forward it, pass
It along like
A contagious disease.
A disease, indeed,
It is. A
Force to be
Reckoned with, your
Personal strength your
Only superpower. Are
You strong enough
To beat the
Monster at his
Own game?



{March 11, 2012}   *~Dirty Face~*

It’s all piling up
Weighing heavy on my shoulders
My conscience is no longer clear
What have I done?
How could I have turned down this road?
The Golden Grand-baby
The talented, intelligent child
With a promising future
And expectations exceeding the sky
Throw the paint against the wall
Crush the pencils with my boots
Smash the violin, sell the piano
Grind up the pills and settle in
A long way from where I was
Stumbling off the road paved in gold
With a cigarette and a brown bottle
I’ve revamped my goals from success
To killing the pain, drowning the demons
A cross around my neck, dirty face
Baggy pants and a razor blade
Barreling towards an end to this madness
Blazing out of control, spiraling to the bottom
Hide my eyes from the passerby’s
Avoid the family and friends
Seeing their disappointment in me
Fuels the flames engulfing my soul
And brings me nearer to an end
Just one more hit, one more snuff
One more swig from the bottle
I can’t seem to get enough
Getting more difficult to feel numb
Harder to hide the pain from myself
When will this roller coaster roll to a stop?
Will I ever be able to get off?



et cetera