notokinthehead











{September 18, 2015}   Challenge

So quitting drinking cold turkey is a no-no when you’re at the alcoholic level I’ve made it to. I was terribly sick. Therefore I cannot say that I’ve quit drinking. I can say that I’ve cut back quite a bit. I’m down to about five beer drinks per day, give or take one or two. I feel that is tremendous for me. Though I can’t say that being fully aware of my thoughts and feelings is a welcome thing. Being aware is a challenge, but that’s usually why people turn to addictions in the first place, right? One step at a time…
I’ve got this.



{September 7, 2015}   Realization

I’m a full-blown alcoholic. We’re talking an eighteen rack for the day and a half bottle of whiskey on the rocks at night. I’ve managed to disappoint and push away everyone I care about. How are you supposed to get sober when you have no support? Why should I care about getting sober when I have no one left to care for me?
I’ve been going through withdrawals today and it’s been rough. Chills, sweating, muscle cramps, vomiting, diarrhea, heart palpitations, feeling faint… I’ve felt like death and had to work on top of it. In a 120°F kitchen. I ended up having to leave early and I had two cocktails to try to take the edge off. I’m still very sick and of course I cannot sleep.
I’m frustrated to tears.



{November 1, 2013}   Don’t Drink and Drive

image

It’s simply not worth it. This was my wake up call at 01:30 this morning. Miraculously the single occupant wasn’t seriously injured and there were no children in the child seats that were ejected from the vehicle.
Stay safe everyone!



{October 16, 2013}   I’ve Been (Kinda) Published!

I contributed to this book, What is and isn’t Working for the Alcoholic and Addict by Alberta Sequeira. She is a very talented author and I think everyone should read this book. I feel very honored that she let me contribute to her book. I believe her book, as well as the public talks she gives, will help many, many people with their diseases, as well as the loved ones who are affected. I’m determined to help spread the word for this courageous, talented author and get her book known to many!

Here is the link to Amazon. Definitely check it out!

http://www.amazon.com/dp/1492138290/#_swftext_Swf



{September 7, 2013}   Terrible Case of the Hiccups

Driving home tonight- my stereo blasting, a cup of coffee in one hand and a cigarette in the other, and I suddenly see blue lights flashing up ahead. Out of habit I put my coffee down, stub out my cigarette and turn the stereo off, all in one swift motion. I slow down as I approach the blue lights, spot a pink sign reading “SOBRIETY CHECKPOINT AHEAD” and, coincidentally, start hiccuping. Two Police Officers waved me to the side of the road, I lowered my window and greeted them as one shone his light in my face and the other inside my car. I prayed, please don’t hiccup again! Oops, too late. And just like on the COPS television show they had me step out of the vehicle and asked my permission to search my car. Yeah I have nothing to hide (hup). “Where are you coming from? (Coffee-hup-place) Where are you going? (Ho-hup-me) Have you been drinking tonight? (No-hup-Sir) Have you used any illegal substances? (Hup-No)”. Then the pat down. Finally the Officer asking all of the questions runs my license and registration just as the other Officer pops out of my car with my pistol… Oh crap. It’s all legal, it’s registered and I have a concealed carry permit, however their protocols require them to check the pistols serial numbers to make sure it’s not stolen and that it hasn’t been used to commit a crime. They went so far as to tear my turn-out gear apart and dump my boots upside down. Forty-five minutes after I stubbed out my cigarette I was free to go. I got back in my car, my coffee was ice cold and I discovered that that was my last cigarette.
So something as simple as having the hiccups at the exact wrong time can cause quite the headache.



{September 3, 2013}   ~*Take My Time*~

Take My Time



{August 29, 2013}   Addictions

Addictions



{August 18, 2013}   ~*High*~

I’ve been strong for far too long,
I just can’t keep the pace.
I’ve been carrying on,
driving down the same old roads,
I’m losing faith, starting to lose face.
Seems it’s the same from day-to-day,
It seems nothing ever changes.
I’ve nothing left to lose,
there’s nothing left to gain,
I’m all out of things to say.
These pills only kill the pain for just so long,
just one more line, I think-
and I’ll be able to go on.
I’ve run out of cigarettes
and I’m down to my last shot of whiskey,
I know that if I keep this up
this lifestyle will kill me.
I need a helping hand,
someone to save me from myself
because I don’t think I can,
and I don’t know how much more I can stand.
I feel I’ve lost my mind- all concept of time-
and I’m going to extremes just to unwind.
So hold me close and don’t let me go,
I’m becoming my own worst enemy.
Hold me tight and don’t let my mind take flight,
I feel it’s getting harder for me to breathe.
I’m sorry if my words have brought you down,
it seems like you’re always around
for the good and the bad days,
when I’m feeling crazy, a touch insane.
You get it all,
the best of me and the worst of me,
now that I’m down on my knees, crying “please”
I hear you whispering to me calmly,
soothing away my misery.
I realize you make me want to be a better person,
and I know that through trials and tribulations
your love and patience can replace my addictions.



{June 30, 2013}   The Monster

Another one of my poems I have imposed on a picture in Photoshop. I’m enjoying this new hobby. With a background photo it gives a better sense of the Poet’s (my) feelings when writing the poem. For instance, the background on this one is dark and maybe a little foreboding, and smoke plumes are usually associated with cigarettes, which more often than not are associated with pain, suffering and death. And finally the hand… we suffer so much at the hands of others. It’s amazing how many things a picture of a single hand can symbolize.

 

The Monster

 



{June 12, 2013}   Comfort Zone Vacated

There’s nothing like being dressed like a boy and being dragged into Bath & Body Works and Victoria’s Secret to shop for fragrances. I’m still not sure what the difference is between body spray, perfume and spritz. But that’s how my last day of vacation was spent. I did get a few spray bottles of stink-good (I don’t know what type it is) because I like to mist my pillows with it so it smells good when I go to bed 🙂  It smells like a woman 😀

I can’t say it enough: this past weekend was amazing! Good friends, good food, good music, good times and good-good-goodness I can’t wait to go back!

We went straight to our Brazilian friend’s apartment in Boston Friday, got shit-faced and danced til five in the morning. We got up at ten Saturday morning and I spent the day riding around Boston doing errands with the woman I’ve been crushing on since I was fifteen (AHHH! <in a high-pitch opera voice>). Saturday night she cooked us some Brazilian food (yum!) and we had a few drinks and just talked and laughed until late. Sunday we got up and went to an amusement park all day and had a blast. We left her apartment Monday afternoon around three and drove to my friend’s parents’ apartment in the suburbs where we got Chinese take-out and watched Final Destination 5 in 3D (awesome!). And today (see above, first paragraph) we went to the mall and did a little shopping. We left around six and got home at ten-thirty tonight. I’m ready to turn around and head back already!

Stress free. Care free. I could be myself. I was in an apartment full of lesbians. I danced. I laughed. I talked. I learned a bit of a new language. I touched, I got touched. I ate. I drank. I relaxed. I didn’t care what anyone thought of me because everyone is so fun-loving. I haven’t felt that good in sooo long. ❤



et cetera