notokinthehead











{September 7, 2015}   Realization

I’m a full-blown alcoholic. We’re talking an eighteen rack for the day and a half bottle of whiskey on the rocks at night. I’ve managed to disappoint and push away everyone I care about. How are you supposed to get sober when you have no support? Why should I care about getting sober when I have no one left to care for me?
I’ve been going through withdrawals today and it’s been rough. Chills, sweating, muscle cramps, vomiting, diarrhea, heart palpitations, feeling faint… I’ve felt like death and had to work on top of it. In a 120°F kitchen. I ended up having to leave early and I had two cocktails to try to take the edge off. I’m still very sick and of course I cannot sleep.
I’m frustrated to tears.



{October 16, 2013}   I’ve Been (Kinda) Published!

I contributed to this book, What is and isn’t Working for the Alcoholic and Addict by Alberta Sequeira. She is a very talented author and I think everyone should read this book. I feel very honored that she let me contribute to her book. I believe her book, as well as the public talks she gives, will help many, many people with their diseases, as well as the loved ones who are affected. I’m determined to help spread the word for this courageous, talented author and get her book known to many!

Here is the link to Amazon. Definitely check it out!

http://www.amazon.com/dp/1492138290/#_swftext_Swf



{January 26, 2013}   *~The Monster~*

I feel the
Tension coiled in
My belly, knotted
In a spiral,
A snake preparing
To strike out.
Deadly poison leaking
From the teeth,
Sinking into my
Thick, round, blue
Vein, pumping through
My core, dispersing
Throughout my body,
Overtaking me entirely.
I become the
Beast I so
Feared, vicious and
Utterly selfish, taking
For my own
Greed, handing out
Pain and death
Sentences, only happy
To share my
Own betrayals and
Griefs. Once bitten,
The sick magic
Forces you to
Forward it, pass
It along like
A contagious disease.
A disease, indeed,
It is. A
Force to be
Reckoned with, your
Personal strength your
Only superpower. Are
You strong enough
To beat the
Monster at his
Own game?



{January 20, 2013}   I’m The “Go-To”

Or at least that’s how it appears. If someone has a problem they come to me to fix it. I’m always putting band-aids on everyone’s boo-boos.

Right now I am getting ready to take one of my older sisters to our Emergency Room for an admit to the State Hospital Psych Ward. She’s an alcoholic, manic-bipolar, meth head who is also the single mother of two young children. So my week will be filled with kids and I will be missing out on a lot of work… right after I buy a new car. This whole situation reminds me of one of my first calls as an EMT. Not surprisingly it was to pick up my sister who texted her child’s father that she took all of her medications, every last pill, and she was sleepy. She happened to have both children with her. I hope she will be able to figure some things out while she’s locked up this time because those kids need a good mother and though I would do it, I don’t want to become responsible for them when CPS steps in and takes them away from her. There’s a reason I haven’t had any kids, other than I’m a lesbian, and that’s because I don’t want to be responsible for anyone but myself.

Wish me luck with this newest drama!

 

 



{September 16, 2012}   Her Battles

She fights the battles every day-  who she was, what she did, what was done to her. She was happy-go-lucky, naive, the world was hers. She hung around with all of the wrong people, drank alcohol to excess- a drunk and stoned fifteen year old on the fast track to self-destruction. A man took advantage of her innocence, her desire to try everything once. She was broken. She was exiled by her own family. She was lost.

 

Today she’s looking back at the memories and thinking about how far she’s come. Today she’s down-to-earth, but happy none the less. Today she knows the world is hers, but she knows how to use it, not let it use her. Today she makes it her life to save others lives. Today she lives for the moment, amongst those who truly care for her, and who she truly cares for.

Today she knows who she is. She knows where she belongs. She knows life was meant to live.



{March 30, 2012}   *~Toxic Life~*

Stumbling down a cold, empty street, swaying with each step
I see the image of a young woman in the storefront windows.
I pause to admire her innocent-looking, youthful face.
I think to myself, she would be beautiful if she wore a smile-
If she removed the baseball cap and gave her hair some style.
I continue on my way, putting her out of my mind.
Before long I see the same young woman in another window-
She looks more weary than before, I wonder what her story is?
Shoulders hunched, she looks like she’s blocking a cold wind
A closer look at her face shows that she looks older than she is.

I slowly realize that this woman is following me everywhere I go.
I walk faster, trying to lose her, but I see her in every window.
Then reality hits like a ton of bricks- she is me, I am her.
I crumble under the weight of my burdens, fall to my knees.
My face buried in my hands I wonder how this happened?
I’ve changed into a different person, I don’t recognize my own reflection
I reached deep into my well of strength, stood up tall and straight.
I’ve been barreling through my life like a freight train in the night.
I dump the alcohol, I need to slow down, get my feet back on solid ground.
I need to start living my life, stop racing against precious time.



{March 13, 2012}   Time To Face The Music

So today I go see my psychotherapist after I drunk dialed her when I was shit faced. This should be interesting… Meanwhile, another friend of mine who is a lot older than I am has not spoken to me since Friday after she heard about my little adventure on my way home from the bar. She’s pissed that I didn’t call her for a ride. Whoopsie! I forgot about her! Had I thought of her, I would have gladly called her for a ride. So everybody except for this friend and my psychotherapist like me, or better yet- love me, when I’m drinking myself to oblivion.

And the world turns…

Oh yes, and I have acquired a new nickname: Whoopsie. Hahaha. I’m still trying to decide if that’s good or bad… I’ll keep you updated 🙂   It’s a beautiful day out here, I hope you all have a good day! I plan on it!



et cetera