notokinthehead











Here it is two in the morning and I’m awake and writing in my journal because there is way too much on my mind for me to be able to fall asleep. I wrote two and a half pages of which I cannot find the motivation to type up for you guys. So I figure I’ll try to post a shorter version, hopefully with less B.S. than I have written in my journal. My therapist is just going to love me in the morning when she sees how much I have written for her to peruse.

So I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I finally knew who I was after many years of struggling with myself and my sexuality. I’ve been writing in previous posts about this mystery “A” person. I have deliberately left out any words that refer to their gender because on my “About Page” I have clearly stated that I am a lesbian. Well, “A” stands for Adam. I haven’t lied about my sexuality. Not to my knowledge anyway. I began dating Adam last week. I can’t even convey how confused I am right now. I don’t even know where to start or how to start. Let me describe Adam for you: he’s an ex-marine who has deployed twice to Iraq. He’s very respectful and polite. He’s a big dork who loves animals and children and cartoons. He’s responsible. He has a good job, helps support his sister and nephews and is making it on his own. Blonde hair, blue eyes… he’s most girl’s dreams. I like him. I enjoy spending time with him and we have fun when we go out. I like how he opens doors for me, asks me before he touches me and waits for me to sit before he takes his seat. He’s a perfect gentleman. And he says he really likes me and wants to spend so much time with me.

We haven’t done anything more than hug. He won’t try unless I provoke it. He doesn’t know that I consider myself a lesbian. He doesn’t know about my past or my mental health problems. He has met my parents, my brother, my Aunt and a few guys from the Fire Department. They all think he’s great. They don’t know that he lost his license back in April from a DUI and can’t drive. They don’t know that he’s a recovering alcoholic who suffers from PTSD from being in Iraq. I don’t know why any of the above matters.

Anyway… I don’t know what I’m doing. I really like Adam, but I don’t want to sleep with him and I don’t see myself wanting to in the future. He says that’s okay, he’s not big on sex. Well… I have a feeling the reason I don’t want to sleep with him is because he’s carrying the wrong equipment. My biggest issue right now is that I seem to have fallen back into my old confusion about my sexuality. Am I willing to give him a try because I’m so desperate for some company, for someone to care for me, for someone to hold onto me? That doesn’t seem fair to him. In my previous posts I have talked about “Maya”, my physical therapist with whom I had a short fling with. With Adam in mind I have asked myself, if Maya showed up asking me for more, what would I do? Well, I’m almost one-hundred percent positive that I’d drop Adam in a heartbeat to be with her. So is that my answer?

I feel guilty, too. My Mother is hoping that Adam has “changed” me into a heterosexual. I feel guilty because I’m like my parents last hope- my four sisters have all been very disappointing in their selection of men, and then they end up with a gay daughter? I know my mother is hoping this from the way she has been asking questions about how our dates have gone. And of course I feel guilty because I don’t want to use Adam. I don’t want to hurt anyone else. However, in the back of my head there’s that little voice you hear everywhere: “How do you know you don’t like something if you don’t try it?”. Once again, that’s not fair to Adam, is it?

So I’m struggling with the seemingly never-ending question of who the hell am I? I thought I knew. Do I?

 



{September 20, 2012}   Break Ups

Ever had a break-up with your best friend? I had a falling out with mine a few months ago and it still bothers me. Mostly because she’s vicious and miserable and is still trying to pin me for things I never said or did. It’s sad that someone can be that miserable, isn’t it?

So, am I the only one who attaches break-up songs to the feelings I have about a best friend break-up? I have to laugh at it.

 



My hands are shaking and I can feel my heart pounding, thumping in my chest at an unusually fast pace. I’m pissed off and angry. I’m mad to the point where I could start crying any second. I don’t know why I’m mad. I’ve got nothing to be angry about. I hate everybody, too, though not everyone has done something to me. I feel like a time bomb, ready to explode any second. Maybe I’m not mad… maybe I’m just incredibly sad and pathetic? I’m not sure what I’m feeling. I can’t seem to put it into words. I have an overwhelming fog of mixed feelings: hate, anger, misery, pain, numbness, sadness, isolation, fear, loneliness, unworthiness, uselessness, hopelessness, worry, exhaustion… it’s really too much for me to handle and I’m… breaking.
I want to talk about it, but I don’t know how. How can I tell anyone when I can’t put it into words? It’s building up, a constant, unbearable pressure. I’m frustrated. With myself, with my thoughts and feelings, with my parents, my friends and strangers. I keep thinking, “Why can’t anyone understand?!?!”. but I can’t expect anyone to understand… I can’t even begin to understand it myself. I want to scream, yell, hit something, punch someone, cry, sit in a dark room alone, be with someone, stand up for myself, just give up and collapse. I’m breaking, crumbling under the pressure. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I feel like a nobody. Am I not good enough anymore? I just want the old me back, no matter how imperfect I was, because I was so much happier before. I just want to laugh without effort, smile without strain. I am completely falling apart… I need someone to hold me together. I feel alone, like there’s nobody in my corner, like if I try and reach out, I will be reaching on forever, without a caring hand to grasp mine. So, I should just save my energy. What’s the point?
My hands are no longer shaking, my heart rate has slowed to a more normal pace and I feel less angered, but still upset, as tears leave stains on my cheeks. Crying is not so bad, I’m not one for crying, but it does help to relieve some stress. Still, I don’t know which is worse… feeling the pain and sadness or the anger? The fog in my head is lifting to some relief and visibility is increasing slightly. I need to know I’m worth the time of day, someone cares and that I make a difference somewhere, anywhere. I need some reassurance that this is going to get better, I won’t always feel like this and the fog in my head isn’t terminal. I feel as though I’m teetering on the brink of a tall, steep slope and I’m losing grip rapidly. I’m afraid… afraid that if I fall, the slope is too slippery and steep to catch myself and I won’t have the energy to climb back up once I hit the rock bottom. I just want to curl up in an empty corner somewhere and sleep forever. I’m scared because this isn’t me, these aren’t my feelings and I feel as though I’m fighting a losing battle with myself. The new me versus the old me and the old me is being defeated quickly, too weak to fight back, facing an almost certain death. I don’t like the new me. I HATE the new me. I can’t BE the new me…
Maybe I should be alone, stay away from other people so my misery doesn’t rub off on them. But I’m tired of being alone. Not in the literal meaning of the word. I’m constantly surrounded by people- people I love, people I know, strangers… but I’m still alone. I need someone to tell me that I’m not alone and that I don’t have to do this on my own… because I don’t think I can. I need help. I need to feel.
I don’t know what’s going on with me and I’m freaking out. I’m scared. I have no control over my thoughts and feelings and it’s all so disorderly… I can’t stand it. I’m spiraling out of control fast. I’m at my wits end, my breaking point. Between the nonstop physical pain and the emotional roller coaster I’m dealing with day in and day out, life has become torturous for me. I’m a prisoner of my body and mind. I feel that I’m not the only one who carries the burden of blame, though.



{May 6, 2012}   ~*Stolen Moments~*

Artwork by Sam Harrison

Like a thief in the night
Stealing every moment
Not wanting one to go by
I want to stay like this forever
Locked within your arms
Wrapped up in your laughter.

Feeling so safe with you
I don’t want to ever let you go
I revolve around everything you do
I pray the sun won’t rise
For then you’ll have to leave
I just want to stay lost in your eyes.

Daylight comes much too soon
Not enough time for us to be together
Before you have to leave this room
You’ll go back to your life
Pretending to be what you’re not
For you, these tears I cry.

Just a little more time, you say
And you’ll tell your truths
I wonder, will we ever see that day?
Until then, we’re like thieves in the night
Stealing each and every moment
Not wanting to let one pass us by…



{April 6, 2012}   *~Slurred~*

I know I was drunk and it was probably slurred
But my words were unmistakable, I know you heard
I’m Honest Abe when I’ve tied a few on
I was talking through tears, confessing my love
But for you, nothing is ever enough
To you, I’m just another notch in your bed post
To me, you’re a memory, a living ghost
You turned your back on me and walked away
You didn’t hear what I came here to say
It took a lot of liquid courage to get me to this point
Oh, look at all of the people I’m going to disappoint
But I didn’t come here to cause you harm
No, I want you to hear about the hurt you caused my heart
I gave you everything I could, all you wanted
Now you think you can just go and leave me haunted?
I know if you see the pain in my eyes
You’ll think it over and change your mind
Could we ever let this go and love the same?
You cast a spell on me in your own magical way
You lassoed my heart and pulled me into you
How could I ever have known it would end so soon?
I don’t want you back, I don’t want to start anew
I only want to know why, I want an explanation?
How did our love, like a bruised apple, turn so rotten?

 



{March 23, 2012}   *~Ring on Your Finger~*

12.28.09

He put a ring upon your finger
To claim you as his own
He promised you forever
But tonight he’s not coming home
Is he really working late or is he with her?

You’ve been married ten years now
Shared your laughter and tears
You’ve stayed true to your vows
But I’ve come here today to tell you
He’s strayed more than once through the years.

That ring on your finger
Doesn’t mean a thing
The promises of forever
Were of a boys dream
Leave him in your rear-view mirror
The tears aren’t worth crying
Just get the hell out of here.



{February 15, 2012}   Don’t Think- Stay Warm

Nobody sees me clearly. Is this what I look like to everyone?

Feel the cold
like a hammer
to my bones.
Fingers tingly,
toes anesthetized.
Slowly I’m losing
feeling
from the outside in.
It’s taking over my body,
slowly approaching my
heart and soul.
I feel an ache
deep within my chest.
I’m wondering if
that will be next.
Too weak, I became a
victim
of the stronger,
smarter, the
have-it-together’s.

The night has a thousand eyes, but it can't have mine.

A victim of the illnesses
that have taken over
my body and my mind.
A not-so-lovely
addition to the lonely,
broken-hearted,
suffering, the lost souls.
Turning, twisting, crying,
screaming, thrashing about.
What I thought to be
the truth turned out to be
lies.
What I thought was
love turned out to be an
execution
of my beliefs and self.
What I thought was a
vacation turned out to be
rejection.
The cold spreads. It
reaches through my
entire body now. So
cold, I don’t believe
I will ever thaw out.



et cetera