{January 29, 2013}   Ill Discoveries

Meaning things I discovered while in bed recuperating from that killer migraine and the exhausted laziness that settled in after it was gone.

1. I can watch all of the seasons of The L Word  for free on my Kindle using my Amazon Prime membership.

2. I can watch several gay/lesbian genre movies on my Kindle for free using my Amazon Prime membership.

3. I can stay in my room for two days straight and no one notices that I’m ‘missing’ (Hmmm, good or bad?).


And Then Came LolaLast night I watched a movie called And Then Came Lola (found under lesbian movies). It was a good movie. It’s a little bit confusing in the beginning because they do three different takes of the same scene throughout the movie. But once you figure it out it makes perfect sense. You’ll find yourself cheering on Lola and trying to tell her what to do differently (kind of like in horror movies when you find yourself yelling “don’t look behind the shower curtain fool!”). Don’t worry, she figures it out! The best thing about this lesbian drama is that it’s not all about sex and nudity. I can’t stand how so many lesbian movies portray lesbians as being horny sex toys. You do see some skin in this movie but there’s no real nudity. At least someone knows how to leave something to the imagination.

You should totally watch it. And you have no excuse not to if you have an Amazon Prime membership, because it’s free!

These Things Hidden

I just finished reading Heather Gudenkauf’s novel These Things Hidden. Excellent read! Just when you think you have the hidden things (secrets) figured out, she reveals the truths and they’re not at all what you expected. She keeps the mystery going, suspense-fully, right to the last page of the book. I can’t possibly give it a good enough review, you just have to read it for yourself.

My goal is to be completely lazy (except when my pager goes off) until I have to get my shit together to see my therapist Thursday morning. That gives me two days for myself, for my selfishness. I’ve been selfish a lot lately and I’m slowly learning to like it. That could be a good thing, or it could be a bad thing. I guess it depends on how you look at it, or how far I take it 😉

{January 25, 2013}   Spoiling Myself

That’ s what I did yesterday. I took my ex- best friend to brunch to celebrate her buying a house (I really just miss her so that was my excuse). Then we went to Staples and I bought a Kindle Fire HD. I bought one for my parents for Christmas and I really liked it and I wanted in the worst way to be able to discreetly borrow LGBT books from the library. So I got a code from my library that gives me access to the State Library’s ebook data base, where I can borrow books electronically for two weeks each. No way could I do that on my parents Kindle! So I bought myself one. I’m having a blast with it, too! I may have gone a little bit overboard with buying the car charger (pink) and stylus (pink) and case/cover thingy (pink) but I almost don’t feel guilty about it… I almost feel like I deserve it. The first two short stories I read last night were Crumbs: A lesbian Hansel and Gretel (Sappho’s Fables) by Elora Bishop and The Witch Sea by Sarah Diemer. The good news, ladies, is these two books are FREE for purchase as ebooks on Amazon! I recommend them for some downtime reading. They’re not very erotic at all but they allow you to put your own imagination into overdrive. Check out… They’re FREE.

My sister walked out of the ER Wednesday night A.M.A. I had to go pick her up because it was -8 degrees out and she was there because she’s a little crazy lately. She stayed here the last two nights and it pissed me off because her two kids are here and she won’t have anything to do with them. I did, however, inform her and my mother that if she tries to leave here and take one or both children with her I will call the police. Child endangerment. She’s suicidal for God’s sake! I’m beyond fed up with her at this point. If someone wants help they need to assist in being helped. Til then there’s nothing anyone can do for them short of  having them arrested and involuntarily locked up.

Today I have a lingering migraine from yesterday so I’m going to keep must locked in my room and away from the chaos as much as possible.

And play on my Kindle! Time for a strictly ME day.


{January 22, 2013}   Too Much at Once

I’ve buried myself in reading today. The reason is quite simple: Too many people asking too much of me at the same time. They should all know by now that, that results in me giving 0.00%.

FirehouseI finished reading Firehouse by David Halberstam and have started and nearly finished reading Fallout by Ellen Hopkins. Firehouse was a very good book. It tells the true stories of a firehouse and the firehouse family in a borough of NYC and how the 9/11 massacre changed their lives. It’s riveting and a page turner. Once I started it, I couldn’t put it down. I’m very thankful that we do not have highrises where I live, and ever grateful for the tedious calls we get. As for Fallout, I’ll give a better report when I’m finished with reading it, but so it’s also a page turner. I’ve said it a million times before but I’ll say it again: I love Ellen Hopkins’ style of writing (poetry form). So raw and every bit as addicting as the drugs she writes about.

Maybe tomorrow I will get my shit together again. I’m just overwhelmed for today. I have an appointment to take my (new!) car to the garage first thing tomorrow morning, so I’d better try to get some sleep.

Today’s song is very appropriate for my mood this evening. A long-time friend of mine always says that this song sounds like me:

{January 15, 2013}   Bad to Good… Just Like THAT!

I had a rather moody, crappy day today. But it turned around quickly. Just as I was searching for an escape route, my Lieutenant pulled into my yard. He was coming over so my brother could work on one of his vehicles and I hung out in the shop with them for a couple of hours. My Lieutenant is awesome. He’s so kind, funny and loves everyone. Just like that my day turned around for the better. After he left I took a nice long, hot bubble bath and read my book (“This is How” by Augusten Burroughs) and relaxed. I feel so much better tonight than I did today. I have much to learn from my Lieutenant outside of the Fire House. I thank God for my extended family!

I wish my baths looked this glamorous! For real, who looks so good when bathing?

I wish my baths looked this glamorous! For real, who looks so good when bathing?

{January 11, 2013}   Epidemic!
The 2012 Influenza Virus under a super-powerful microscope. How is something so pretty so devastating? Sounds like some of the girls I've known. Hah!

The 2012 Influenza Virus under a super-powerful microscope. How is something so pretty so devastating? Sounds like some of the girls I’ve known. Hah!

Wow. There have been fourteen flu-related deaths in my state so far this flu season and they’re saying we’re not even in the flu season yet. Unfortunately this is why I have to skip out on so many EMS calls. I got the influenza and pneumonia vaccinations and so did my Mother, but the doctor still suggested we be careful because (in his words) “the flu this year is resisting the vaccinations”. So any general-sickness calls or calls where the patient tells dispatch that they have the flu or pneumonia, I can’t go. So that leaves me going to diabetic emergencies, car accidents and fires (that’s all we really get around here).

Now onto a completely different, much more interesting subject; I’m reading This Is How by Augusten Burroughs. It’s interesting in a much different way than his other books that I’ve read. “How To Find Love” is the most captivating and thought-provoking chapter that I’ve read yet (I’m about to start “How To Be Confident”). In it Augusten writes about how we are so caught up in our own routines that we’re basically keeping ourselves from finding our “soul mate”. He provides a few examples like if we go to the same convenient store and deal with the same clerk all the time, then we’re limiting ourselves socially.Augusten's This Is How He suggests stepping out of our comfort zones. Instead of going to that same Sunoco, try going to the Circle K down the street for once. To sum it up simply: if we have been going to the same places for X amount of time and haven’t found our “soul mate”, then chances are, we won’t find them in those places. I’m guilty as sin when it comes to routine. I always go to the same gas station (same old man taking my money), same grocery store (same old high-school drop-outs with their baby bumps) and the same convenient store for my cigarettes (same old ex-smoker who lectures me every time). There’s a reason behind it for me, though. Meeting new people and sticking my neck out there frightens me. Literally gives me those goose bumps I get when the house creaks all by itself in the middle of the night. But what’s stopping you? I might even give it a whirl, not to find love, but to maybe work on meeting new people for a change. I said maybe.

And I’m kind of excited for the next chapter- How To Be Confident.

{January 7, 2013}   I’ll Come Back Around

JAPSo after not reading any books for too long of a stretch of time I went to my library and checked out a couple. I read one the day I got it: Far From Xanadu by Julie Anne Peters. Man, I love her work! It was hands down one of her best books. So relate-able, smooth, easy to read. It makes you realize what those feelings are that you’ve felt before. It makes you feel a little less alien-ish. It’s heart-wrenching and heart-melting. It’s definitely one I will reread over and over!Tilt

Now I’m onto Tilt by Ellen Hopkins. I love her books, too, because they’re written in the form of poems, they keep your mind engaged and they’re written from the viewpoint of young adults who are facing different hardships. I’ll let you know how much I like it when I’m finished 🙂

Getting back into reading is a start for me. We got some good news about my Mother’s illness. The Pulmonologist has put her on a trial and if it works like they hope it will, and if she takes the medications like she’s supposed to, she could have ten or more years. I’ll take that. It’s a hell of a lot better than six months to maybe a few years. I’ve been very busy this last week changing things around the house that the Pulmonologist said had to be changed if she is to get the maximum amount of time and the best quality of her life. I removed the carpets, painted the walls, replaced the curtains and drapes with blinds and put down a hardwood laminate floor. The floor was a real bitch, too. I got it finished last night. Thank God I’m more like my Dad than my Mom when it comes to being handy. So, being a tomboy my entire life isn’t such a bad thing. 🙂

{December 15, 2012}   “The Funny Thing Is…”

EllenI just finished reading Ellen Degeneres’ book, “The Funny Thing Is…”. It was pretty a good read, it gave me a couple of chuckles. I realized while reading this book that the way she writes matches my thought pattern to a T. I’m just so anal about correct grammar that I always make myself “readable”. She writes a thought down and she puts down the entire chain reaction that comes from that one thought, all without a comma, a period or beginning a new paragraph. Obviously, that makes it more funny. I highly recommend that anyone, male or female, “straight” or bisexual or gay, read her books. I’ve read this one and “Seriously… I’m Kidding” and they were both hilarious. The only left for me to read is “My Point… And I do Have One”. Definitely looking forward to it!

Now it’s on to “Pretty in Plaid” by Jen Lancaster. I seem to be in the mood for memoirs lately… hmmm. Well, comical ones. I really don’t want anything depressing right now. Besides, for me the point of reading is to have a way to leave my reality behind and go somewhere else, somewhere I’ve never been, to go on a journey of sorts. I could read all day, every day, if it wasn’t for FaceBook, which is so damned captivating.

{June 27, 2012}   New Book

I just returned from the library where I found a book titled “Ambulance Girl” by Jane Stern. This obviously caught my eye because of my new venture of becoming an EMT. I haven’t read it yet, but the inside flap summarizes the book:

“Five years ago Jane Stern was a walking encyclopedia of panic attacks, depression and hypochondria. Her marriage of more than thirty years was suffering, and she was virtually immobilized be fear and anxiety. As the daughter of parents who both died before she was thirty, Stern was terrified of illness and death, and despite the fact that her acclaimed career of a food and travel writer required her to spend a great deal of time on airplanes, she suffered from a persistent fear of flying and severe claustrophobia. But a strange thing happened one day on a plane that was grounded at the Minneapolis airport for six horrible, foodless, airless hours. A young man on a trip with his classmates suddenly became dizzy and pale because he hadn’t eaten in many hours, and there was no food left on the plane. Without thinking about it, Jane gave him the candy bar that she had in her purse. A short time later, the color had returned to his cheeks, the boy was laughing again with his friends, and Jane realized that this one small act of kindness— helping another person who was suffering— had provided her with comfort and a sense of well-being.

“It was shortly thereafter that this fifty-two-year-old writer decided to become an emergency medical technician, eventually coming to be known as Ambulance Girl. Stern tells her story with great humor and poignancy, creating a wonderful portrait of a middle-aged, Woody Allen-ish woman who was “deeply and neurotically terrified of sick and dead people”, but who went out into the world to save other people’s lives as a way of saving her own. Her story begins with the boot camp of EMT training: 140 hours at the hands of a dour ex-marine who took delight in presenting a veritable parade of amputations, hideous deformities, and gross disasters. Jane— overweight and badly out of shape— had to surmount physical challenges like carrying a 250-pound man seated in a chair down a dark flight of stairs. After class she did rounds in the emergency room of a local hospital, where she attended to a schizophrenic kick boxer who had tried to kill his mother that morning and a stockbroker who was taken off the commuter train to Manhattan with delirium tremens so bad it killed him.

“Each call Stern describes is a vignette of human nature, often with a life in the balance. From an AIDS hospice to town drunks, yuppie wife beaters to psychopaths, Jane comes to see the true nature and underlying mysteries of a town she had called home for twenty years. Throughout the book we follow her as she gets her sea legs and finally bonds with the burly, handsome firefighters who become her colleagues. At the end, she is named the first woman officer of the department— a triumph we joyously share with her.

“Ambulance Girl is an inspiring story by a woman who found, somewhat late in life, the “in helping others I learned to help myself.” It is a book to be treasured and shared.”

Can you imagine going from an anxious, depressed, rather agoraphobic mess to being an EMT? That is what I’m doing. I’m going to do it. And so far, so good. I have a theory about this: When my pager goes off with an emergency, someone needing help, my brain automatically enters a kind of “fight or flight” mode. I don’t have time to think about whether I’m going to go anywhere today, my mind doesn’t have the time to torture me with different, horrible scenarios. I don’t think about anything but getting to the scene and delivering all of the help I possibly can.

I’ll post about the book once I finish reading it.



{June 8, 2012}   World of Books

I’m diving into the lack of reality that reading fiction brings me: The Book Thief by Markus Zusak.

It’s a wonderful world to escape to when life seems to be bringing only unpleasant things my way. A quote from the aforementioned book:



Not leaving: an act of trust and love,

often deciphered by children.

et cetera