notokinthehead











{November 15, 2013}   Setbacks

natural_heart_healthThis evening while preparing for EMS training at the Fire Station we had an in-house emergency. Unfortunately that emergency was mine. I had what the ER docs explained as a “cardiac event“, however they couldn’t tell me exactly what it was. I had what we call a syncope episode, a loss of consciousness caused by a fall in blood pressure. Basically, I blacked out and hit the floor. My own boys from the firehouse took me to the hospital. They refused to allow our transport company to take me because they insisted on staying with me and taking me themselves. I was in the ER receiving treatment for about three hours before they decided to admit me, which I refused. Lucky for me, my best friend was also in the ER for a minor medical issue and found me when she got discharged. God bless her, she came and sat with me until I was able to get discharged. I put on a tough front, but that meant a lot to me. Tomorrow morning I see a cardiologist and then follow up with my Primary Care Physician.

Now I’m sitting on my bed writing this because I’m not able to sleep. More than likely because of the Nitroglycerin they gave me. All of this comes at a terrible time… I’m stressed to the max already from things going on in my personal life and I’m super busy with work, physical therapy, the pain clinic and kids. I can’t afford a setback right now. In Reba McIntyre’s words, “I guess the world ain’t gonna stop for me broken heart”.

So I’m catching up on my TV shows- Chicago Fire, Grey’s Anatomy, Chelsea Lately and American Horror Story.



{March 16, 2012}   *~Love’s Consequence~*

“Poetry is nearer to vital truth than history.”  ~Plato, Ion

I didn’t actually believe
that you would really leave
I guess I just couldn’t see
how near the end was for me
I gave you everything, my all
now I’m giving into alcohol
open wounds, pour in the salt
try and put warmth back into my soul
we never were good together
though we strived for better
I reread your ‘Dear Jane’ letter
a hundred times, over and over
it doesn’t get much worse than this
or at least I pray it doesn’t
where there’s love, there’s consequence
broken hearts, loss of innocence
it’s going to take time to heal
it’ll be easier without you here
another day, week, month, year
but I’ll always love you, my dear.



{February 28, 2012}   *~Love’s Noose~*

You reached for my hand
And pulled me off my knees
You showed me the sun
The moon and the stars
You pointed me in the direction
Of the stairway to Heaven.
You built a bridge
And connected our souls
You showed me love can exist
Between two unlikely hearts
You said it was okay
To be who and what I am.

You let go of my hand
Sending me to my knees
You clouded over the sun
The moon and the stars
You gave me false direction
To the stairway to Heaven.
You burned the bridge
And disconnected our souls
You showed me love can be mean
When I let you into my heart
You said I will never be okay
If I don’t change who and what I am.
You lied to me and deceived me
You took my loyalty
And turned it into a game
You played me and used me
Laughing secretly, knowing the entire time
That you held the rope draped around my neck
And it wouldn’t be long before I fell…



et cetera