notokinthehead











{March 12, 2013}   Small Victories

At the doctors yesterday I was elated to discover that I have lost four pounds! I know four pounds isn’t a lot, but if you think about it that’s a half gallon of milk or a can of beans. That’s just the motivation that I need to get back into boxing, broken hand or not. I still have one good hand 🙂
Quick run down of my history: When I first injured my shoulder and my back I lost about ten pounds, bringing me just under my healthy weight according to the BMI. However, it didn’t take long of being laid up to gain that back, plus another ten. I’ve always struggled with my weight. I went from an obese fourteen year old to a thin, bulimic seventeen year old, to a healthy, active twenty-one year old. It’s a cycle, really. I still have my off days when I resort back to the bulimic ways, but I’ve been doing a good job with eating healthy and drinking a lot less alcohol and soda. And I’m at the point where I understand that losing fatty weight takes work.

Physical Therapy today. It’s raining cats and dogs and I really don’t feel like going anywhere. Is it just me or does it seem like every day is laundry day???



{October 3, 2012}   Cranky Pants!

I went to see my Doctor of Osteopathy this morning. She apparently reviewed my chart and racked her brain on why a twenty-three year old girl’s body refuses to heal itself or aid in the healing process. So she asked me a lot of questions:

“How many cigarettes do you smoke per day?”

Half a pack.

“How often do you drink alcoholic beverages?”

Maybe twice a month.

“What about your eating habits?”

***Deer in the headlights look, I know what’s happening here…***

What about my eating habits?

“Well, what do you have for breakfast on a typical day?”

A cup of coffee, maybe two.

“Uh-huh, and lunch?”

***I look at the floor and shake my head before meeting her eyes again***

“Um, I think I see a pattern… dinner?”

Depends on the day.

“What did you have for dinner last night?”

***Finally! Easy question!***

Ham, peas and potatoes. (With a side of  Senokot).

“Some meat is good. What about dinner the night before?”

Ummm… I went to bed early and missed out on dinner…

“Well, do you know what Anorexia is? Has anyone ever talked to you about it?”

Um, yeah, I know what it is and no, no, no… I’m not anorexic.

“Then why do you not eat?” ***She gives me an exasperated look***

Because I don’t get hungry. Simple as that. (Insert defense mode and attitude here).

“Because you’ve trained yourself to ignore it. You have to eat, your body needs the fuel… (lecture continues, she sounds like the teacher from Charlie Brown).” Just when I think the lecture is over she slips in, “You’re killing yourself. Do you know that?”

***I look away, stay silent***

“I’ll manipulate your body today but I want you to keep a food diary and bring it into me the next time I see you. If you’re not helping yourself, I can’t help you. Do you want a number for a counselor?”

No, I have a therapist.

 

Needless to say, I did not make another appointment. I’m pissed. At myself. Why didn’t I lie and make up some foods that I ate? Why did I sit there like a little kid being scolded and let her lecture me on and on? Why didn’t I say anything as she worked on me and kept slipping in little tid-bits about eating disorders? Today is a depressing, rainy day and when I came home I came straight to my room, turned my pager off, closed the curtains and I fully plan on staying isolated today. Maybe tomorrow, too. Shit, maybe for the next week or two. I’m so angry that I feel it would be dangerous for me to be around anyone.

WHY?!



et cetera