notokinthehead











{February 20, 2013}   Status: Soon-To-Be Cat Lady

Guess who came home with me when I finished house sitting? That cute, loving, adorable cat, Stubby:

Stubby

Stubby stealing my heating pad and burying his head under my butt.

His name is Stubby because he’s a Maine Coon Cat and the breeders cut his tail off to a little stub when he was a tiny kitten. I think that’s cruel, myself. But it’s cute because his little stub does a little wiggle. He and Babe are trying to establish the Alpha at this point so they’re not really getting along. It seems they decide to fight most in the middle of the night when they both want to be in bed with me… ugh.

My little “relaxing” weekend didn’t go as planned. It was still relaxing, though. I didn’t read as much as I had planned to read… because I spent most of the weekend watching the full seasons of The L Word on my Kindle. So it was still a good weekend.

On Sunday we had three first alarms, two of them at the same time. All turned out to be simple calls, but it made for a hectic afternoon and evening. Since my lazy weekend I’ve had trouble getting my ass in gear. I went to physical therapy on Monday and it killed me. I haven’t been to any calls since then and I feigned a headache to skip out on my meeting at the hospital last night. I have a feeling my EMS coordinator is probably going to give me a hard time the next time I do show up but even that isn’t enough motivation for me to get my shit together. I get the feeling that I’m really screwing up. To top it all off, I lost my insurance so I’m quitting physical therapy ($210/week). Another issue with physical therapy is I’m very attracted to my physical therapist and we all know how that ended for me last time. Maybe I have a weird fetish for PT’s? All I know is I both can’t stand to spend those two hours per week with her and I can’t wait until the next appointment. Sigh.

Tonight I have enough motivation to go play some board and card games. Maybe it’s just responsibility that I’m having a hard time grasping right now?

 



{January 30, 2013}   You Just Want The Attention

Born Gay

I love Chelsea Handler! This pretty much says it all. A friend of mine (who I dated in junior high, turns out he’s gay, too. Ironic? Probably not. Ha!) posted this on FaceBook today and it made me smile big 😀

I have some plans that I’m looking forward to this weekend. I’m going to a nearby city to shop with a friend all day Friday and when I return Friday night, I’m going to pick up another friend and we’re going to Boston for the weekend. I’ll probably come back myself Saturday morning sometime like the party pooper I am, but we’re supposed to stay with her ill father while we’re down there and I know I can’t take much of that. Now if we were staying with our friend Cris, who’s old enough to be my mother but who I’ve had a major crush on since I was like fourteen, I’d stay as long as was financially possible. Hmm… it would be really cool if I could make that happen. But probably not on such short notice. Cris is actually the first lesbian I ever crushed on. Actually… she’s the only lesbian that I know of that I’ve crushed on.

Today’s song has a nostalgic feeling about it for me. I love it!

 



{January 7, 2013}   I’ll Come Back Around

JAPSo after not reading any books for too long of a stretch of time I went to my library and checked out a couple. I read one the day I got it: Far From Xanadu by Julie Anne Peters. Man, I love her work! It was hands down one of her best books. So relate-able, smooth, easy to read. It makes you realize what those feelings are that you’ve felt before. It makes you feel a little less alien-ish. It’s heart-wrenching and heart-melting. It’s definitely one I will reread over and over!Tilt

Now I’m onto Tilt by Ellen Hopkins. I love her books, too, because they’re written in the form of poems, they keep your mind engaged and they’re written from the viewpoint of young adults who are facing different hardships. I’ll let you know how much I like it when I’m finished 🙂

Getting back into reading is a start for me. We got some good news about my Mother’s illness. The Pulmonologist has put her on a trial and if it works like they hope it will, and if she takes the medications like she’s supposed to, she could have ten or more years. I’ll take that. It’s a hell of a lot better than six months to maybe a few years. I’ve been very busy this last week changing things around the house that the Pulmonologist said had to be changed if she is to get the maximum amount of time and the best quality of her life. I removed the carpets, painted the walls, replaced the curtains and drapes with blinds and put down a hardwood laminate floor. The floor was a real bitch, too. I got it finished last night. Thank God I’m more like my Dad than my Mom when it comes to being handy. So, being a tomboy my entire life isn’t such a bad thing. 🙂



{November 7, 2012}   I Like Spaghetti

I stumbled across this on FaceBook and wanted to share it 🙂



{October 26, 2012}   It’s All The Same To Me

I had a short meeting with my therapist today. It was basically to sign a release of information and give the go-ahead on sending my file to my lawyer. We have gone through several of my old journals which she has kept locked away in storage to find entries proving my “insanity”, for lack of a better word. I don’t think I’m really insane. Anyway, she commented on how by reading through my old journals she can see how I’ve been getting better. Of course I kind of agreed. But now I’ve had time to think about it. Thinking makes me my own worst enemy.

I’m still self-destructive, physically and emotionally. I’m still a ticking time bomb, ready to lash out at anyone who angers me. I still stay in the house as much as possible… I don’t want to go out. For better or worse I have less friends and acquaintances than I’ve ever had. I still struggle for every minute of sleep I can grasp. I still do not get along with my mother. And I’m still ‘clingy’ to anyone who will accept me. So really, it’s all the same to me. It is true that I’m functioning on a higher level, ie- the fire department & rescue, but the bad feelings, the paranoia, the depression and the total lack of interest in almost everything is there. My back is still fucked up. My head is still fucked up. My shoulder is still fucked up. I’m fucked up.

Okay I’m done reflecting.

I’m getting nervous, excited and anxious for my hair cut tonight! It’s going to be so different. I’m looking forward most to the shock on people’s faces. I want this for me, but at the same time it symbolizes flipping the bird to everyone who is still denying my truth- that I’m a lesbian. Fuck you! Only I could never say that and hope to keep my face in the same shape it’s in now. After all, it’s not their truth to be in denial about! It’s my truth and I’m done trying to ignore it or deny it. It’s who I am. Take me or leave me, just don’t pretend I’m something I’m not. Of course there is also hope that by cutting my hair super-super short guys will leave me alone, stop hitting on me, stop saying vulgar things to me in hopes of getting me into bed. I’m done with men… I’m done with my denial.

So this hair cut symbolizes a lot for me. I can’t wait!

Practical reasons to cut my hair:

  • When my pager goes off in the middle of the night, I have to roll out of bed, down the stairs and into my truck. There’s no time to fuss with my hair. And patients don’t appreciate your hair falling into their face. Well, most of them don’t anyway.
  • Ever tried wearing a fire helmet with a ponytail? It’s painful. Ever tried wearing a fire helmet and SCBA (air mask/tank) with your hair down in your face? It’s literally deadly. And annoying.
  • Having no hair will cut my preparation time by about twenty minutes each day. That’s twenty more minutes of sleep I can get!
  • Ever had a dog who thought your hair was a toy to play tug-of-war with? The dog is the only one who enjoys it.

So to all those who insist that I’m just going through a phase, that everyone experiments with relationships…

FUCK YOU.



{October 25, 2012}   I Think I’m Crushing

As an EMT I work closely with the nurses at our local hospital. Well, there’s this one nurse/paramedic that I’m especially fond of. This will sound cliche but she looks like an angel. Her skin is tanned, her hair is so blonde it’s almost white, her eyes are an icy-blue and she floats, she doesn’t walk. She’s always calm and cool. She knows exactly what to say to people who are in pain or grieving. When she looks at me, I know it, I feel it. I kind of freeze in my tracks, it’s like my heart stops beating for a moment, then comes back to pound louder in my ears, my chest, my entire body. She’s mesmerizing. When she’s teaching a class or leading a discussion, an hour goes by and I have no idea what was talked about or what we were supposed to be learning. I go dumb. To make me feel even more stupid, she’s a touchy-feely kind of person (duh, she’s a nurse), and when she touches my arm or my back my entire body goes numb. I try to remember what her touch feels like, but it’s like the hand of a ghost touched me. I have no idea what it feels like.

I’ve never really had a ‘crush’ on anyone before. At least not to this extent. There are so many reasons that things will never go beyond what they are now. She’s older than me, probably by ten years, she’s straight and in a committed relationship (story of my life)… the list goes on. But I can still enjoy these feelings she gives me. I love the feelings and hate them all at once. I love how I look forward to meeting her again, how she captivates me. I hate how she seems to take away any intelligence I like to think I have (if she told me to drink a gallon of bleach because it;s good for me, I’d probably do it because that’s how stupid she makes me) and how I become completely helpless in her presence. She probably thinks I’m a complete idiot with a speech impediment.

Is this what a crush is supposed to feel like?



{October 25, 2012}   Nearing The End

Alexandra Hedison, plays ‘Dylan’ on The L Word. Possibility #1.

October is Breast cancer Awareness Month and it’s coming to a close. I have participated in the Yo-plait Save Lids To Save Lives and am thinking maybe I should donate my hair. I have been wanting to chop my hair off for a while now. For several reasons: I’m not girly enough to properly style my long hair, wearing a fire helmet with long hair is miserable, jumping out of bed at three in the morning to run to a call makes it difficult to do anything with my hair and patients don’t appreciate your hair falling in their face. Not to mention I think I would just be more comfortable all around with short hair. I’m not talking about shaving it, just chopping it short. I’ve been googling short hair cuts and when I ran out of search terms I typed in “lesbian haircuts”. The results were many pictures of Adam Lambert, Justin Bieber and Chris Jenner (the male one, haha). There were more pictures of these three guys than of Ellen Degeneres. Fun fact: A lot of people on the World Wide Web view Pony Tails to be a lesbian hair style. Huh. I always wear a pony tail, under my camo ball cap of course.

A sketch someone did of someone with short hair. Possibility #2.

I wonder what preferences you guys have for a woman’s hairstyle? Do you prefer short hair, long

A little bit longer than the others. Possibility #3.

hair, medium length, or does it even matter to you? What about you? What is your hair style? This is a big leap for me but I think I’m ready.

On a side note, if I chop my hair off now I’ll kind of be making a statement of, Here I am! This is who I am! And it will be just shy of National Coming Out Day. Huh.

 

 



{October 25, 2012}   Hate Gays?

I LOVE this picture! And look how happy and proud the man holding the sign is! Maybe some day I will be able to do this and be just as happy and proud. Of course, that would never happen where I live now, but there are nearby cities I could disappear to…

I’ve been having a ‘down’ day. I’ve just felt depressed and haven’t had interest in anything. I laid in bed from two this afternoon until nine-forty-five tonight. And I still feel tired. I know I’m probably beginning to sound obsessed, however I could really use some time with my EMS partner. He’s just awesome. He can make me smile when I want to throttle one of the other guys. He can make me laugh when I just want to cry. He’s an amazing guy all around.

Speaking of crying… I think there’s something wrong with me. Have you ever seen that movie, “The Holiday”, starring Cameron Diaz? If you have then you’ve laughed at how she tries and tries to cry but can’t. I could really use a good cry, but I don’t cry. I can count on one hand how many times I have cried.

Times I should have cried:

  • When the woman I loved moved out of state. I didn’t shed a single tear, though I felt lost. I didn’t talk about it, even to my therapist, because I just wanted to pretend that she never existed, that our paths had never crossed.
  • When my mother beat the shit out of me so badly that my right eye closed up for over a week. I didn’t cry. The pain wasn’t so bad, I have a rather high tolerance for pain, probably from years of experience. But the emotional pain, the fact that someone I love so much could purposely harm me… that should have made me cry. For days.
  • When my Grandfather passed away. My Grandparents played a huge role in my up bringing. But when my Grampa passed away on Christmas Day in 2006 I didn’t cry. I was the shoulder for everyone else to cry on. I was the rock. Even at his funeral I was the strong one while everyone else broke down. And my heart was shattered.

So why don’t I cry? Should it bother me that I’m not a blubbering fool? I just want to feel more human. I don’t want to be like those girls who break down over the smallest obstacle in their lives. However, I do feel like now would be a good time to have a small meltdown. I wonder if they give lessons on how to cry? Maybe there’s a book out there on it, How To Cry For Dummies, 101.

I guess crying isn’t that important. I wouldn’t mind experiencing that feeling of relief so many people claim to have after a good cry, though. Maybe it will happen in time if I can learn how to sort out my feelings. Stop turning hurt into anger. Hey, maybe that’s a good place to start!

Tonight’s song is She Talks To Angels by The Black Crowes:

 

 



{October 24, 2012}   Overwhelmed With The Urge

Bigotry and intolerance, silenced by argument, endeavors to silence by persecution, in old days by fire and sword, in modern days by the tongue” ~Charles Simmons

The urge to just leave this place and never come back is overwhelming. I want to go somewhere, anywhere, and not tell anybody where I’m going, or even that I am going. I want to go somewhere where no one knows me, where I can start over new and just be myself. No concerns about who I am hurting or offending by being me. This urge comes and goes, but when it’s here it’s an almost torturous yearning. I even kick myself in the ass for not having money saved up to just up and go when I want to. Even if I just disappeared for a week or a weekend, turned my cell phone off and went to a nearby city where there are lesbian bars and I could mingle with others who won’t judge me. This area is full of bigots, close-minded people who still look down on African Americans and see homosexuality as some kind of plague. I just want a chance to be myself and enjoy who I am!Is that really too much to ask?

Today’s song is “Boston” by Augustana:

The great thing about this song is I have been to Boston, many times, and I’m able to be myself. I have a few friends in Boston, who are like me, and we always have a blast. There is no better feeling in this world as when you go from being who you’re expected to be, to being free to be yourself. It’s better than any drug. Maybe someday…



{October 21, 2012}   Me Day

Jennifer Beals, she looks just like my physical therapist, whom I was head-over-heels for, in this pic.

I had a “me” day today 😀

I was able to watch more L Word episodes (Love, love, love Jennifer Beals!), I did some of my own laundry, I exercised for a little over an hour, I jammed to music, I took a hot bath to relax the muscles in my back and now I feel pretty good. It was nice to turn off my cell phone and pager and not have to deal with anyone or anything. I even considered napping, but I feel like that would waste my “me” time.

Soon the house will fill up again and I’ll have to go back to being sociable and doing what is expected of me. But I feel good about taking this day for myself. Maybe it will bring me some peace and I will be able to catch some good shut-eye tonight!



et cetera