{May 2, 2012}   Just Relax!

Easy to say but almost impossible to accomplish, if you’re like me. Taking on this job with my local rescue department has started to heighten my anxiety. I was all kinds of excited about it, but now I’m very nervous and anxious about it. Sure, it’s normal to be nervous when you begin any new job, but being part of a rescue team seems to be much more nerve wracking. Don’t get me wrong, I still want to do it very much. I just wish I could see my therapist and have someone to talk to about all of this. It’s quite stressful to head in a completely different direction with your life, especially if the direction you choose is to save other people’s lives. I have thought about backing out and giving up on this dream, but I know that would lead me nowhere. I guess I feel like I need someone to help me along, tell me I can do it, encourage me and be there when I need someone to talk to.

I have a doctor’s appointment on Friday to get my back and neck realigned, as well as get my rib relocated. I know it will be good once it’s over with, but I have the hardest time relaxing so he can manipulate me. Usually it takes many drugs, muscle relaxers and pain killers of every kind, before he can work with me. At this point, I’m sore all over, and it’s not just from my back being out of alignment. My entire body hurts. A large part of my pain, I know, is from holding the stress in my shoulders and back. I just can’t seem to allow myself to relax, to let things go. Yet another reason I could really use a friend to talk to, to vent to, to release the stress and anxiety I feel so often.

I’m actually surprised I’ve written this much tonight. I’ve been on two rescue calls today and I’m exhausted. The rush of the adrenaline and then the fast calm to follow seems to drain me of the energy that I don’t have. It’s an amazing feeling, to be rushing to someone’s aide, to know you can comfort that person. For once, I am confident that I have made the right decision for myself. It feels good, great actually. I could just use a little guidance along the way to help keep me from getting discouraged and beating up on myself. I’ll admit that it feels strange to me to say what I need, even here on my blog, because I’m always taking care of other people and their needs. I neglect myself. There, I said it.

Now it’s off to bed for me.

{March 3, 2012}   *~Walking Defeat~*

“I love walking in the rain because no one can tell I’m crying.”

I walk along
the crowded
In the rain
no one can
the dirt on
my face, tears
falling upon my
Once a strong,
girl, now I find
myself feeling
Sorrow clouds my
vision as I give into
My senses hindered,
I no longer believe
in all that I
once thought I
was meant to
I gaze into a
crystal ball and
what do I
My future is
shards of broken
glass reveal all
of my shattered
I walk along
the crowded
head down low
so no one will
the dirt on
my face, tears
falling upon my

et cetera