notokinthehead











{January 6, 2014}   Early Bird
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My drive and the sunrise Friday morning. Gorgeous after getting a foot of snow overnight!

We’ve gotten a lot of snow over the last week. Between two storms we got just over two feet of it.
I saw a surgeon last Monday and he backed out of doing my surgery because it’s “beyond his scope”. So Friday morning I saw another surgeon and he’s willing to operate on my shoulder. I have a SLAP (superior labrum anterior to posterior) tear that involves the bicep tendon. I go in Thursday morning for the operation that is expected to take four to six hours. In addition to anchoring the labrum he has to cut my upper arm open, cut the bicep tendon, grind a chunk of bone from my humorous and reattach the tendon to my humorous. The surgeon expects the recovery to take anywhere from six to twelve months, the first three of which will be spent with my dominant arm in a rigid brace instead of a sling.
I will have a lot of time to think, that’s for sure. I won’t be able to do much of anything else. Even driving is out if the question for as long as I’m in the brace 😦
BUT… I will come back stronger than ever!



{December 18, 2013}   Making a Comeback

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I had surgery yesterday morning. Nothing major, but enough to put me out of work for awhile. I’m supposed to be in the sling for at least a week, when I see the doc on Monday. Honestly I’ll probably be out of it by tomorrow night. It’s such a pain in the ass. Especially since I’m living alone now. I’m tough though, it’s nothing I can’t handle.
Tomorrow I see the cardiologist and his team for a Stress-Echocardiogram. He’ll be pissed that I’ve been working for the past three weeks when I’m supposed to be on bed rest. I had a small setback, what they called a “cardiac event”, where I sustained left anterior ischemia (lack of oxygen to the heart, which we all know is a muscle, and muscles require oxygen or they atrophy and die. The heart doesn’t atrophy, it just stops beating). Anyway tomorrow’s test will determine whether the ischemia is reversible using medication or if I’m just fucked. Wish me luck!
There’s no possible way I’m sleeping tonight, between the pain and anxiety, and if it was a little warmer than -13°F I’d go for a drive. But it’s too damned cold so I guess I’ll be reading and having some intimate time with my heating pad (the muscles in my arm, neck and back are spasming like crazy).
I’m also going to have some hard cider and toast to Making a Comeback!



{November 15, 2013}   Setbacks

natural_heart_healthThis evening while preparing for EMS training at the Fire Station we had an in-house emergency. Unfortunately that emergency was mine. I had what the ER docs explained as a “cardiac event“, however they couldn’t tell me exactly what it was. I had what we call a syncope episode, a loss of consciousness caused by a fall in blood pressure. Basically, I blacked out and hit the floor. My own boys from the firehouse took me to the hospital. They refused to allow our transport company to take me because they insisted on staying with me and taking me themselves. I was in the ER receiving treatment for about three hours before they decided to admit me, which I refused. Lucky for me, my best friend was also in the ER for a minor medical issue and found me when she got discharged. God bless her, she came and sat with me until I was able to get discharged. I put on a tough front, but that meant a lot to me. Tomorrow morning I see a cardiologist and then follow up with my Primary Care Physician.

Now I’m sitting on my bed writing this because I’m not able to sleep. More than likely because of the Nitroglycerin they gave me. All of this comes at a terrible time… I’m stressed to the max already from things going on in my personal life and I’m super busy with work, physical therapy, the pain clinic and kids. I can’t afford a setback right now. In Reba McIntyre’s words, “I guess the world ain’t gonna stop for me broken heart”.

So I’m catching up on my TV shows- Chicago Fire, Grey’s Anatomy, Chelsea Lately and American Horror Story.



{May 30, 2013}   A Room With a View

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My friend’s surgery went well. We’re now in a private room with a great view (see photo)!
Well at least her nurse is attractive. I almost wish I was the patient.
Since the surgery went so well the surgeon said we may be able to go home tonight. I sure hope so because these city “views” just are not cutting it. I want to go home to the woods. And this recliner/bed thingy they have for me to sleep on isn’t doing my body any favors. I guess I will just be glad I’m not the one stuck in the bed.



{April 2, 2013}   *~Angels In Blue~*

The blood drains
like ink from my pen
flesh fades to white
I have no feeling left.

I breathe in
emotions run rampant
I breathe out
I’m bleeding out.

I struggle for one last breath
A calm comes over me
As I embrace this early death
I close my eyes and just bleed.

My chest gets crushed
Over and over
They won’t give up.

I feel a strike like lightning
I’m jolted back to life
My eyes are just slits
but I can see he’s smiling.

My lungs inflate, fill
he’s smiling, still.

Today I died
Today I came back to life
“Hang on Sweetie, you’re pulling through”
Today I met Angels dressed in blue.



{March 12, 2013}   Above And Beyond

I cheated… I’ve been taking my cast off so that people won’t know that I broke my hand. I’ve even been on both medical and fire calls without my cast since I broke my hand. Tonight we had a lift assist for our frequent handicapped flopper. I’m honored to go on calls, whether they are emergencies or service calls, but this particular patient’s husband always has me change his wife’s clothing and pad after we assist her into bed. It’s above and beyond my duty, and it’s incredibly uncomfortable for me. Meanwhile, my Captain waits in the next room laughing at me. The only remedy I can think of is to avoid these calls, but I can’t do that and keep a good conscience.

I got my medical insurance back so I saw my doctor at the pain clinic today. We scheduled more thoracic spinal nerve blocks. Maybe I will be able to get some relief.

I begin physical therapy again tomorrow, though I really don’t want to. My pain levels have been at a 8 or 9 out of 10. I’ve been spending a lot of time in bed, like 15-18 hours because it just hurts too much.

Now for some fun news!
We have a new police officer in town! She is very friendly and will stop by the station to say hi if she sees my car. We do some small talk and she leaves. If I see her parked in her cruiser, I’ll stop and chit chat for a bit. She’s gorgeous and the uniform doesn’t hurt, either. So, I guess I have a little crush on our new police officer 🙂   It feels good to be back in the game. At least, to have someone to pine over, even if they’re unavailable.



{March 8, 2013}   Down For The Count

I saw one of my doctors this morning. He said the “boxer’s fracture” isn’t bad and put me in a 3/4 cast (goes almost all the way around, but leaves enough of an opening so I can take it off for showering, etc) that completely covers my fingers and goes to my mid forearm. It actually doesn’t hurt so bad now. I go back for another xray in about a week. He said I can still work as long as I keep the cast on… what can I do in my job with one hand??? Now my next challenge is talking to my Chief. I forgot to get a note from the doctor :/

Dearest Vicodyn, you win. Nap time!

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{March 7, 2013}   Stupid Doctor

I find out today after a radiologist looked at my xrays that there is a hairline fracture of my fifth metacarpal, otherwise known as the bone that extends from the pinky into the hand. That’s why it hurt so much when they relocated my pinky. I have another ER attending contacting orthopedics on my behalf because they seem to keep forgetting me.

I’m in another temporary half cast until orthopedics decides to see me. And I have no feeling in my pinky. I don’t think they believed me because the doc poked it several times with a scary looking metal tool. When he didn’t get any reaction out of me I think he got it.

Our local hospital sucks.



{March 14, 2012}   Yesterday Was a Good Day

Yesterday was going great, I was having a really good day after a good session with my psychotherapist. And then… my head bounced off of the tile floor in the kitchen and exploded! To be honest, I don’t remember much. I remember Babe tripping me and my instinct was to not step on her and kill her so I tripped. Then the next thing I knew I was face-down on the tile floor with my face in a pool of blood. I was stunned, no time for tears. Thankfully, one of my roommates was here and got me semi-cleaned up and cleaned up the blood on the floor and rushed me to the ER. Once at the ER, I sat in the waiting room for an hour and a half, blood still pouring over my face and in my eyes, and then I sat in an exam room for another hour before the doctor finally came to see me. I had a splitting headache, was very agitated from waiting for so long and so I refused to have cat scans and X-Rays done. He stitched my forehead up and sent me home. This morning, my neck is stiff and hurting. Awesome. And my already injured shoulder feels like someone took a hammer to it.

However… Yesterday was a good day right up until about five o’clock. That’s the part I am choosing to remember. 🙂



et cetera