notokinthehead











{October 25, 2012}   *~Angel of Mine~*

Lost in your

gaze, those icy-

blue eyes pulling

me in to

depths unknown, frozen

in place, from

you I cannot

hide. Your hair

of golden silk

floats on the

evening air. Your

caresses are a

warm breeze, playing

on my skin,

teasing my senses,

leaving chills in

the wake of

your touches. Your

voice soothes and

excites all at

once, it’s hard

to believe that

you’re mine, it’s

hard to wake

up from my

dreams and leave

you, my fantasy…



{October 5, 2012}   Dreams and To-Do Lists

I had an upsetting dream last night. In my dream, my Lieutenant, who’s also my favorite guy at the Fire Department, came to my house in our Engine 1 and told me that he and two other Captains had a discussion about me and agreed that I should turn in my resignation. He said to think about it. I walked a figure-eight pattern in the driveway for a few minutes then told him that I would not resign. He said, “You don’t really have a choice.”

I woke up from that dream and I was genuinely angry and upset. It took me a moment to realize that I had a dream and that it wasn’t real. Why in the world would my subconscious do that to me? It seems like a cruel joke. At the present time I live for that department, being an EMT and Firefighter. If it wasn’t for the department I would have nothing to hold onto.

Of course in just a little over an hour I have to go have a physical which is a requirement for the department. Maybe subconsciously I’m worried that something will be askew and I will “fail” the physical, resulting in me having to give up the fire department. And just last night at our weekly meeting I was given the major responsibility of inspecting the ambulance and all of the on-board equipment on a regular basis! It’s an honor, really. Lives literally depend on that ambulance, all of the supplies we carry on-board and especially our heart monitors and AEDs.

After my physical, the blood-work and immunizations, I have to do some grocery shopping. I’d rather stick my thumb in my eye. I hate grocery shopping. Then I’m supposed to go to the Fire Department, print out the State regulations of what we have to have on the ambulance and take an inventory of our on-board supplies.

What I want to do: snuggle in bed and watch TV or just nap.



{March 3, 2012}   *~Walking Defeat~*

“I love walking in the rain because no one can tell I’m crying.”

I walk along
the crowded
streets.
In the rain
no one can
see
the dirt on
my face, tears
falling upon my
cheeks.
Once a strong,
happy
girl, now I find
myself feeling
weak.
Sorrow clouds my
vision as I give into
defeat.
My senses hindered,
I no longer believe
in all that I
once thought I
was meant to
be.
I gaze into a
crystal ball and
what do I
see?
My future is
blurry,
shards of broken
glass reveal all
of my shattered
dreams.
I walk along
the crowded
streets,
head down low
so no one will
see
the dirt on
my face, tears
falling upon my
cheeks.



{February 20, 2012}   FREE To Anyone: Sandman

Be careful what you wish for.

I finally ended up dozing off for an extended nap this afternoon. Unfortunately, sleep did not bring rest. My sleep was invaded by restless and strange dreams. I actually feel more tired now than I did before I fell asleep. I woke up soaked in sweat like I’d just exercised for a couple of hours. A quick review of my dreams:

I dreamt that I was asleep and when I woke up (in the dream) there were several people here in the house. They were new neighbors and they had nothing but problems, which I had no patience for. I remember it vividly. The husband was in the kitchen with my roommates talking about how his wife has to go through so many chemotherapy treatments and how difficult it is with three young children, two boys and a girl. His wife was in the basement with their kids playing on our pool table and arcade games. Then he opened his jacket just enough to show his collection of hypodermic needles, a table spoon, a lighter and a bottle of pills. Then he left to pull chains out of the woods (wtf?). I sat at the kitchen table and looked out at the driveway just as the interior lights went on in my truck. I ran for the door and upon slamming it behind me, the door handle came off in my hand. I ran at my truck screaming “Who the fuck is in my truck?!”. I could see a pair of tan work boots peeking out from under my truck, but the windows were all fogged up so I couldn’t see who it was. Just as I ran around the back of my truck, the driver side door slammed and the thief locked it. I wailed on the window and door handle trying to get into my truck but the guy/girl took off. Then I woke up.

I went online and searched for meanings of the dream. As for the door handle on the house, all I could find was “being trapped in a room with a broken doorknob”. The meaning behind that is feeling trapped, like you have no way out. Maybe my dream means just the opposite- I have caused my own isolation and chosen to be “out” of the loop for so long that now I can’t find a way in. As for my truck being stolen- feeling manipulated or taken advantage of. Hmmm… this feels like it may have been the case four or five months ago, but I’m not sure where it would be coming from at the present time. Maybe suppressed feelings finally being vented through Dreamland?

The biggest thing that sticks out in my dream is how stressed out and incredibly uncomfortable I was with people being in my ‘home’. I did not invite these people in, they were complete strangers and I felt very invaded. I think this is where the waking up drenched in sweat came from. When I’m in social situations in my awakened time, I often begin to sweat and feel like my comfort has been compromised.

I blame my current headache on this stupid dream. Why the hell does sleep have to betray us? Don’t we get enough of that shit in the real world? Shouldn’t we be dreaming of rainbows and unicorns and all of that happy horse shit?

And the battle rages on full-speed ahead in my mind…

 

 



et cetera