notokinthehead











{August 29, 2013}   Addictions

Addictions



{August 18, 2013}   ~*High*~

I’ve been strong for far too long,
I just can’t keep the pace.
I’ve been carrying on,
driving down the same old roads,
I’m losing faith, starting to lose face.
Seems it’s the same from day-to-day,
It seems nothing ever changes.
I’ve nothing left to lose,
there’s nothing left to gain,
I’m all out of things to say.
These pills only kill the pain for just so long,
just one more line, I think-
and I’ll be able to go on.
I’ve run out of cigarettes
and I’m down to my last shot of whiskey,
I know that if I keep this up
this lifestyle will kill me.
I need a helping hand,
someone to save me from myself
because I don’t think I can,
and I don’t know how much more I can stand.
I feel I’ve lost my mind- all concept of time-
and I’m going to extremes just to unwind.
So hold me close and don’t let me go,
I’m becoming my own worst enemy.
Hold me tight and don’t let my mind take flight,
I feel it’s getting harder for me to breathe.
I’m sorry if my words have brought you down,
it seems like you’re always around
for the good and the bad days,
when I’m feeling crazy, a touch insane.
You get it all,
the best of me and the worst of me,
now that I’m down on my knees, crying “please”
I hear you whispering to me calmly,
soothing away my misery.
I realize you make me want to be a better person,
and I know that through trials and tribulations
your love and patience can replace my addictions.



I’ve been absent in the blogging world for about a week now. I’ve kind of taken a nose dive into depression. It’s been coming for a while but it seems it’s finally caught up with me. As usual it’s a smorgasbord of things that all came together and piled up until I can’t smile through the pain and misery any longer. For example: the back and shoulder pain has reached a point where it’s unbearable. My doctor gave me Vicodyn but informed me on Monday that she will not give me anymore (she’s only given me one script for 15). My nephew, who moved into my home six weeks ago, has several developmental disabilities that we were not prepared for and I just do not have the patience for him. Paperwork and reports are steadily piling up on my desk at the Fire Station and I don’t have the concentration to get it all done. I’m frustrated and angry with myself. I’m depressed. I spent the entire day in bed today and I’ve been taking the Vicodyn every 3-4 hours and I’m pretty sure that I’m going to be a full-on narcotic addict within the next week.
To top it all off I accidentally slammed my finger in an engine’s compartment door tonight, slicing it deeply and bruising the shit out of it, causing it to swell to the point where my knuckle is nonexistent. It sure seems like nothing goes right when you’re already depressed.

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{July 16, 2013}   Drug Addict’s Candy Store

image

I imagine that from the outside looking in I appear to be a sort of candy store for drug addicts.
Yesterday I went against myself on my stand against taking narcotics. The pain in my shoulder was so excruciating it woke me up around 05:30 and I actually cried from it. So I called my doctor and she gave me some Vicodyn. I’ve been taking, too. It’s finally gotten to the point where I’m in too much pain to go on emergency calls anyway, so I may as well take the pain killers, right? I don’t like the way the Vicodyn makes my head feel though. I’m still trying to decide if the minimal amount of pain relief that it provides is worth feeling drugged. I’m such a light weight. I didn’t sleep well at all last night, I tossed and turned, cried a little from frustration and pain and finally fell into a restless sleep sometime just before 05:00 this morning.
98°F Outside, 94°F in my room right now. Between the heat and humidity and the Vicodyn I’ll probably be passed out soon. On the bright side of things my ice pack is multifunctional today 🙂



{June 30, 2013}   The Monster

Another one of my poems I have imposed on a picture in Photoshop. I’m enjoying this new hobby. With a background photo it gives a better sense of the Poet’s (my) feelings when writing the poem. For instance, the background on this one is dark and maybe a little foreboding, and smoke plumes are usually associated with cigarettes, which more often than not are associated with pain, suffering and death. And finally the hand… we suffer so much at the hands of others. It’s amazing how many things a picture of a single hand can symbolize.

 

The Monster

 



{March 3, 2013}   Bath Salt Impossible

We had our first bath salt incident today. The twenty year old guy decided to try to out run the police officer who was attempting to pull him over for reckless conduct. The kid made it about a mile before trying to pass two cars on a sharp corner, ending up in a snow bank. He then got out of his vehicle and attacked the police officer who, after scuffling with him, managed to plant him face first on the pavement. They called us to check him out and he insisted he needed to go to the hospital via ambulance. He said his uncle is a federal judge and the police broke his back so he’s suing the Town. As the police tried to escort him he head butted the officer in the face and proceeded to flip out. It was quite a show. We did not transport the subject. He went via police cruiser. The arresting officer is a friend of mine and I just found out that they had to use three cans of pepper spray on the kid and then the hospital staff asked them to remove him from the premises.
Bath Salts- a terrible drug. Why in the world would someone take them knowing what happens??? It’s crazy. That kid is going to do time. His rap sheet just got exponentially longer.

Time for my evening workout 🙂



{January 26, 2013}   *~The Monster~*

I feel the
Tension coiled in
My belly, knotted
In a spiral,
A snake preparing
To strike out.
Deadly poison leaking
From the teeth,
Sinking into my
Thick, round, blue
Vein, pumping through
My core, dispersing
Throughout my body,
Overtaking me entirely.
I become the
Beast I so
Feared, vicious and
Utterly selfish, taking
For my own
Greed, handing out
Pain and death
Sentences, only happy
To share my
Own betrayals and
Griefs. Once bitten,
The sick magic
Forces you to
Forward it, pass
It along like
A contagious disease.
A disease, indeed,
It is. A
Force to be
Reckoned with, your
Personal strength your
Only superpower. Are
You strong enough
To beat the
Monster at his
Own game?



{January 23, 2013}   Unusual Photo Op

At 2:21am this morning we were called to a residence for a 24 year old male who was seizing. When we go there, we realized that the kid had been using heroin and it seemed that caused his seizure. At 6:16am this morning my pager goes off for the same address: fully involved structure fire. It went to second alarm before we had it under control. The Fire Marshall’s non-official report is it was a meth lab gone wrong. Thankfully, since I’d been there just a few hours prior I was able to tell dispatch right away that it was suspicious, chemicals were most likely involved and that ALL people on scene were to wear masks or SCBA’s. Glad I was able to make that call. We fought that fire for over six hours. It’s a complete loss, the only thing standing being the brick chimney. The fire was so hot that it melted the wood stoves into unrecognizable heaps of metal. That was my biggest fire yet. The local newspaper and local TV news station got plenty shots of my brother and I, with our matching names on our jackets, fighting the fire. What an unusual photo op. Oh, and my mother was texting me every five minutes inquiring if we were okay. That felt good. But I couldn’t really answer her that often.

With the adrenaline worn down, I’m now exhausted. Going off about three hours total sleep and a lot of hard, physical labor. Nap time!

 

 

 



{January 21, 2013}   Feels Like Home

Car TreeNow that I have my car I face a new task: making it feel like mine. My old truck had a redneck theme, but my new vehicle looks like a soccer Mom’s car so I don’t think it’ll work out well. I’ve already purchased car fresheners that are shaped like a tree, smell like vanilla (very strong vanilla) and have the American Flag pattern on them. I’ve put my lights and fire plates on it. Now for floor mats, since it didn’t come with any. I will skip on any seat covers because I love the leather seats! I definitely need a cargo mat because I don’t won’t to mess up the carpet in the back with my bunker gear, EMS bag and oxygen tanks. The last thing I want is to throw my gear in the back after fighting a fire and getting soot and shit all over the carpet :/

Now for the real issues: my sister is still in the ER waiting for a bed to open up at the State Hospital’s Psychiatric Ward. I pray it happens soon because all the ER is doing is keeping her fed and alive. She needs mental help and detox.

My Assistant Fire Chief is really pissing me off. I’m the number two responder (out of twenty-seven of us) and he’s treating me like shit. I do all of the dirty work, as well as all of the administrative crap (paperwork), and he does nothing but harp on my ass. I cannot wait for my Chief to get back from his vacation so that the Assistant Chief can get off his power trip. He’s allowing his personal life to float into the department and forgetting all professionalism he used to possess. Myself and a few others are about ready to walk out on him and leave him high and dry, with only the weekenders who come to volunteer when they’re not at home in one of the cities.

As for the nerve blocks I had in my thoracic spine, they seem to be doing some good. They’ve taken the edge off of my pain. I also got a prescription for Phenergan to combat the nausea that the Butrans patches were causing. I’m trying them for the first time with the pills tonight. We’ll see how well it works.



{January 20, 2013}   I’m The “Go-To”

Or at least that’s how it appears. If someone has a problem they come to me to fix it. I’m always putting band-aids on everyone’s boo-boos.

Right now I am getting ready to take one of my older sisters to our Emergency Room for an admit to the State Hospital Psych Ward. She’s an alcoholic, manic-bipolar, meth head who is also the single mother of two young children. So my week will be filled with kids and I will be missing out on a lot of work… right after I buy a new car. This whole situation reminds me of one of my first calls as an EMT. Not surprisingly it was to pick up my sister who texted her child’s father that she took all of her medications, every last pill, and she was sleepy. She happened to have both children with her. I hope she will be able to figure some things out while she’s locked up this time because those kids need a good mother and though I would do it, I don’t want to become responsible for them when CPS steps in and takes them away from her. There’s a reason I haven’t had any kids, other than I’m a lesbian, and that’s because I don’t want to be responsible for anyone but myself.

Wish me luck with this newest drama!

 

 



et cetera