notokinthehead











{October 3, 2012}   Cranky Pants!

I went to see my Doctor of Osteopathy this morning. She apparently reviewed my chart and racked her brain on why a twenty-three year old girl’s body refuses to heal itself or aid in the healing process. So she asked me a lot of questions:

“How many cigarettes do you smoke per day?”

Half a pack.

“How often do you drink alcoholic beverages?”

Maybe twice a month.

“What about your eating habits?”

***Deer in the headlights look, I know what’s happening here…***

What about my eating habits?

“Well, what do you have for breakfast on a typical day?”

A cup of coffee, maybe two.

“Uh-huh, and lunch?”

***I look at the floor and shake my head before meeting her eyes again***

“Um, I think I see a pattern… dinner?”

Depends on the day.

“What did you have for dinner last night?”

***Finally! Easy question!***

Ham, peas and potatoes. (With a side of  Senokot).

“Some meat is good. What about dinner the night before?”

Ummm… I went to bed early and missed out on dinner…

“Well, do you know what Anorexia is? Has anyone ever talked to you about it?”

Um, yeah, I know what it is and no, no, no… I’m not anorexic.

“Then why do you not eat?” ***She gives me an exasperated look***

Because I don’t get hungry. Simple as that. (Insert defense mode and attitude here).

“Because you’ve trained yourself to ignore it. You have to eat, your body needs the fuel… (lecture continues, she sounds like the teacher from Charlie Brown).” Just when I think the lecture is over she slips in, “You’re killing yourself. Do you know that?”

***I look away, stay silent***

“I’ll manipulate your body today but I want you to keep a food diary and bring it into me the next time I see you. If you’re not helping yourself, I can’t help you. Do you want a number for a counselor?”

No, I have a therapist.

 

Needless to say, I did not make another appointment. I’m pissed. At myself. Why didn’t I lie and make up some foods that I ate? Why did I sit there like a little kid being scolded and let her lecture me on and on? Why didn’t I say anything as she worked on me and kept slipping in little tid-bits about eating disorders? Today is a depressing, rainy day and when I came home I came straight to my room, turned my pager off, closed the curtains and I fully plan on staying isolated today. Maybe tomorrow, too. Shit, maybe for the next week or two. I’m so angry that I feel it would be dangerous for me to be around anyone.

WHY?!



{March 19, 2012}   I’m Caving In

I’ve been doing so well not eating crap and not eating when I don’t have to. But I got some new exercise toys today and have done quite a workout… now I’m going to ruin everything with a big juicy burger. Ugh. I have allowed myself to talk myself into it by saying, “It’s not fast food & it has protein”. I just know I’m going to pay for it, but if I don’t eat this now then I’ll go on a binge on something much more unhealthy soon. I guess you win some & you lose some. Sigh.

On a bright note: the weather is getting warmer, the snow is disappearing and I’m ready to get outside and start really exercising! I’m excited because there’s only so much you can do in your home if you don’t have a big fancy gym. And I don’t have a big fancy in-home gym :/

I definitely feel like I could skip my physical therapy in the morning with all of the exercises I did today. But I sure can use a good kneading to get rid of these knots in my neck and shoulder. I wish I could feel this good everyday. How awesome would that be. I even left my house to visit with my parents today. And it went well! I had a few beers and chatted with them for a couple of hours and then came home and busted my ass exercising. I think it will be an early bedtime tonight 🙂



et cetera