{March 16, 2013}   Out Of Control

It was a rough morning, but it could have been much worse I guess. We were denied a new fire truck and instead they gave us $50,000 of the $275,000 that’s required to make our current attack pumper safe. We’re not sure how that’s going to play out yet.

Since I returned home from the meeting around 14:30 I ate a Cheddar Wurst, then went grocery shopping, came home and ate a salad, then had some cherry-vanilla ice cream, then a lean pocket and I still want to eat. That’s very abnormal for me and I feel like a disgusting pig. My belly feels plenty full but I just want to eat and eat and eat…

To distract myself I’ve been doing some light boxing. Since my left hand is fractured (though I removed the cast) I’m power jabbing with my right and throwing easy punches with my left (with gloves now, haha). I’m also getting the kicks in 🙂

Have I mentioned that I emailed our Chief of Police asking to do a ride along with one of our officers? He said they don’t usually do that but he will make an exception for me! To top it off he mentioned he may have me ride with our female Sergeant (my crush)!!! I’m very much looking forward to experiencing a day as a police officer.

{March 19, 2012}   I’m Caving In

I’ve been doing so well not eating crap and not eating when I don’t have to. But I got some new exercise toys today and have done quite a workout… now I’m going to ruin everything with a big juicy burger. Ugh. I have allowed myself to talk myself into it by saying, “It’s not fast food & it has protein”. I just know I’m going to pay for it, but if I don’t eat this now then I’ll go on a binge on something much more unhealthy soon. I guess you win some & you lose some. Sigh.

On a bright note: the weather is getting warmer, the snow is disappearing and I’m ready to get outside and start really exercising! I’m excited because there’s only so much you can do in your home if you don’t have a big fancy gym. And I don’t have a big fancy in-home gym :/

I definitely feel like I could skip my physical therapy in the morning with all of the exercises I did today. But I sure can use a good kneading to get rid of these knots in my neck and shoulder. I wish I could feel this good everyday. How awesome would that be. I even left my house to visit with my parents today. And it went well! I had a few beers and chatted with them for a couple of hours and then came home and busted my ass exercising. I think it will be an early bedtime tonight 🙂

{February 13, 2012}   Punished

     So I didn’t crash as expected Saturday night. In fact, I seemed to gain more energy. I exercised for two hours yesterday afternoon without taking a breather. Then last night I lost all of my self-control and stuffed my pudgy face with noodles and tomato sauce. Talk about calorie and carb overload. Anyway, I finally crashed around two this morning and slept for a straight, solid ten hours. It was like a coma sleep, I don’t remember falling asleep or having any dreams. Shit, I don’t even remember crawling into bed.

When I finally awoke from my ‘coma sleep’ I felt like I had been hit by a school bus. I still do. My body is punishing me for a destructive day yesterday. Every muscle in my body hurts to the point where even typing is painful. Pretty pathetic. And my belly… oh it definitely hates me this morning. I feel like I gained ten pounds over night, like I should be expecting to give birth any day now. I definitely hurt my already injured shoulder, too.

It’s a vicious cycle. I exercise so I can stay ‘fit’, yet the more I exercise the more I hurt. My body asks for food, yet I give it what it wants and I feel the worse for it. It’s as though I am being punished for doing the right things, but if I continue to do the ‘wrong’ things I feel fine, great in fact. It’s a no-win situation that only throws me into a deeper depression and fuels my raging inner anger. (Hahaha, try saying ‘raging inner anger’ ten times fast.)

I think today is going to be a lazy day for me, despite the fact that I should try to reverse the junk I ate last night with another couple of hours of exercising. I feel like I have failed myself and now I need a little time to bring myself back up out of that dark hole I have plunged into head-first.

et cetera