Those are not the kind of words you want to hear from a doctor when you’re in so much pain day in and day out. I feel pretty hopeless and defeated right now. She said the best thing for me is to not use my right arm and not do any lifting of any sort. I’m just not healing, no one has any answers for me and she said “There’s basically nothing I can do”. My back and shoulder are very inflamed (swollen) and every treatment we’ve tried has done nothing to help with the pain. This is the third doctor I’ve been through and just like the other two she says I have the beginning of Fibromyalgia and there just aren’t any treatments they can offer me.

I have one last resort I’m going to try. I put a call in to my primary care physician and I’m going to see if she will refer me to a Pain Care Clinic. I have a family member who suffers from Fibromyalgia and she has been going to a Pain Care Clinic and says they’ve helped. I’m just looking for some relief from the everyday aches and pains. And some freakin’ answers to why my body refuses to heal itself!

I’m so frustrated today that I came home from my appointment and broke down and cried in front of my Mother. Of course she has no sympathy for me but I just can’t hold it in any longer. All of my strength is drained. I have nothing left. I am down to frustration, hurt and anger and I can’t hold it back anymore. The walls have come down and I’m not sure how to build them back up. I feel vulnerable without my walls to protect me.

{October 15, 2012}   Games

My life is like a game of pick-up-stix, played by fucking lunatics. (T.A.T.U.- Show Me Love)

I don’t know what I’m doing. Okay, I do- I’m pulling away from someone who wants to be with me. Why? Maybe because I just don’t understand why someone would want to be with me. Why would someone want to waste their time with me? Ninety-nine percent of the time I wish I could get away from me. I have a habit of running from anyone who wants to get close to me. I do things to turn them away, I ignore them, I’ve even been down-right mean. I guess I feel like I just don’t deserve to have someone. I’m not used to having anyone there. In the past people have turned from me, taken my trust and a little piece of my heart and left me standing alone. So naturally I’m guarded and maybe a little reluctant to give my trust to anyone again.

What does it take to get to a place where I can let someone care for me? What will it take to allow myself to be a little less guarded and let things happen?


It’s rainy and cold and I’m hurting. I didn’t sleep hardly at all last night because of shooting pains in my shoulder. My back aches and to top it all off when I went on a call for a lift assist yesterday I somehow got a small pebble wedged under the skin on my kneecap. I dug the pebble out but my knees all swollen and bruised and hurting. I just feel very discouraged and useless.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I have an appointment with my psychotherapist and I have to call my doctor because she prescribed Remeron for me. I googled it and apparently Remeron is infamous for causing weight gain (big no-no!!!), anxiety (already have plenty of that) and rapid heartbeat (already tachycardic). I’m definitely not having anything to do with that. If I didn’t know better I’d think everyone is conspiring against me to make me gain weight. I need to lose weight!

{September 24, 2012}   Excerpt From My Journal 9/24/12


I woke up around four-thirty this morning with an awful spasm down the entire right side of my back. I tried stretching and heat to no avail. It’s still killing me. It’s not so bad if I bend to my right and don’t move.

I’ve had a really shitty day. There’s no explanation for it, really. That’s just how I feel: Low. Bad in general. I guess you could say “depressed”. This is a bad time of year for me, but I must think subconsciously it will be different this year, because I never anticipate it, it just happens.

I was able to get my Flector patches from the pharmacy today, which are supposed to help the inflammation and pain in my shoulder. However, they still did not have my Ativan and I’m super anxious and fragile as a stick of dynamite. Let’s hope I’m able to avoid people for the most part until I can get it.

The Fire Department scheduled me for a physical next week. It’s a requirement, per the State, and I also have to get a bunch of immunizations. Fortunately, I’m always at the top of the list for vaccinations such as H1N1 due to my cardiac issues. Ugh, who am I kidding? It’s going to suck. I fail miserably at finding the silver lining in anything. Especially as of late.

{September 19, 2012}   To-Do List One Mile Long

Oh the stresses!

I saw a doctor again this morning and she told me my Scoliosis is getting worse and that it’s causing my upper body to fall out of “balance”. Thank you twisted, bent and curved spine for all of this pain! I will go see her again in two weeks for another adjustment to my back… or entire body, really.

I received a notice in the mail about my court date: November 15th. I immediately called my attorney in a panic to find out if I HAVE to attend the hearing. Unfortunately I do. Of course I am now in a permanent state of panic and anxiety.

I had to call my psychotherapist to see if she would be a “good advocate” for my court hearing. She didn’t answer so I’m anxiously waiting for her to call back. Another reason I want to talk to her: I responded to a call the other night that is bothering me very much. We had to have a police escort to the scene: a twenty-one year old female was violently physically and sexually assaulted and the perp was still on the loose, on foot, in the area. What disturbed me so much about it, and I know well that I am not here to judge my patients, is being the only female responder I was the one to provide care to this patient. As I spoke with her and took care of her she kept smiling an evil smile and laughing. I know this girl, I went to school with her, and there’s nothing mentally wrong with her. She was beaten up, but being a survivor of sexual assault myself, I am having a difficult time dealing with her reaction. This call has been weighing heavily on my mind…

I also had to call a psychologist’s office to request a copy of a psychological evaluation that I had done several months ago. Surprise- no answer! So I’m still waiting to get a call back on that.

AND in less than an hour I have to go get the kids from daycare.

What I really wanted to do today: NOTHING. I wanted to lay in bed or lounge around and try to relax some. But that thought went to hell at 8:30am when my pager went off for an MVA involving a utility pole. Don’t worry, the drunk took off on foot, he wasn’t hurt.

{September 1, 2012}   Absent

I’ve been absent and neglecting my writing for a few days. I’ve actually been sleeping a lot. My body has kind of given me a schedule to follow since I’ve been in so much pain: Wake up, coffee, take a Trama-dol, read for a while or do my errands, take a nap for a couple of hours, wake up, coffee, read for awhile, Trama-dol, Citalopram, Ativan and Bystolic and then go to bed. My days are quite uneventful, but I think rest and (attempted) relaxation is what my body wants right now. My level of depression has definitely increased over the last two weeks.

This Tuesday will find me in a new D.O.’s office. This D.O. comes highly recommended and treats the body as a whole, not just what ails you. She also has a way to get my medical insurance to pay for massage therapies that will loosen my muscles up so that my bones will hopefully stop jumping out of joint. This new doctor almost sounds too good to be true. Let’s pray that is not the case!!!

{August 21, 2012}   Indecision

Today is day two of serious pain in my mid-to-lower back. The pain is so terrible that I cannot straighten up, my back is involuntarily hunched. I don’t know whether I should bother calling my doctors or not, because sometimes there just isn’t anything they can do about the pain and hearing them voice that seems to add to my misery. I know that this too shall pass, but while living it it seems it could go on forever. There’s no explaining just how it feels. There’s nothing that palliates it- laying down, heat, cold, NSAIDs, Lidocaine patches, every possible position I could sit in… nothing works. I’m severely lacking sleep, which is just worsening the way I feel. It’s a vicious cycle and it’s miserable!

So my battle is between calling my doctors or waiting for it to go away by itself? Is it Fibro pain or have I severely thrown my back out again?

{August 11, 2012}   Journal 8.10.12

Friday August 10, 2012     9:55pm


I’ve been feeling crappy and my body has been hurting quite a bit. As a result I’ve been super cranky and easily set off. I’ve been taking two to five milligrams of Ativan every day.

I’ve opted out of cleaning this weekend. I nee some recovery time. I’ve been overwhelmed with class, family problems and calls at three in the morning. I’m tired. I feel like I need to stop and catch my breath before I fall again. The way I’ve felt for the past two to three weeks, it wouldn’t take much to push me over the edge and send me down that familiar slippery slope. Cheers to finally being able to recognize the signs!



{July 31, 2012}   Anger

I feel explosive. It has to be a combination of things. Probably lack of sleep, the constant pain I’m in, stress over my impending exams and spending every free second I get being hounded by a six year old. I have the overwhelming urge to pummel the shit out of something with my fists. I’m mad, pissed off. Really, really, really angry. I don’t want to go to school and I don’t want to come home. I guess I’m feeling a lot of pressure in many different areas of my life at this point and I’m breaking down. The smallest thing is going to come along and I’m going to hit breaking point. PLEASE DON’T LET IT HAPPEN IN CLASS!!!

{June 12, 2012}   Uneventful is Good

It was an uneventful night for Fire & Rescue last night, thankfully. I was up most of the night coughing a nasty cough. I somehow got a chest cold and I can’t remember the last time I had a cold. I’m pretty miserable today. I was supposed to be up and at it first thing this morning to work on my new place so I can move into it. That never came to fruition. I couldn’t get my butt out of bed. Now I have a few people upset with me. I guess the rest of my day will consist of mudding and sanding walls… as soon as I can find the energy to get dressed.

Side note: Physical labor kills me.

I need to just get it all done so it’s out of the way and I no longer have to dread it…

{June 11, 2012}   World of Pain

There are so many different types of pain in the world and so many people suffering them. Physical pain, emotional pain, hunger pains, sympathy pains… Ever notice how the only pain that matters is the pain you’re feeling at the moment? Do you ever feel guilty for complaining about the pain? I do. However, I still complain about it, no matter how much I think of how “it could be worse”. I would describe my pain as annoying: it’s constant, it’s always there. It’s more dependable than my shadow, because even when the lights go down it persists. Tonight I’m agonizing over the deep ache in my hip, thigh and knee. It’s annoying, mostly because nothing I do seems to bring any relief. Sitting still or moving, there’s no difference. Ice or heat, no difference. Unfortunately, I just have to wait for it to stop bothering me so bad, try and wish it away.

I pray that there are no Fire & Rescue calls tonight, because regardless of the pain I’m in I’ll respond and I will give it my all. It’s my job. And I love it.

et cetera