{June 11, 2012}   I Complain Way Too Much

We got a call today for a brush fire. It just happened to be a few houses up the road from my parent’s house. It was a whopping eighty-five degrees in the sun and about one hundred and six on scene. With all of our fire gear on I thought I was going to pass out. Each fire call I go on I realize more and more that I am in this mostly for Rescue.  To add to my decision of wanting to do Rescue versus fire fighting, my body can’t handle the weight of the gear. My body hurts twenty-four/seven as it is, then you throw fifty pounds of gear on top of the pain and you have a complete wreck. Eventually the adrenaline wears off and all I think about is how bad I’m hurting. I’m in rough shape after fighting that fire today and all I want (believe it or not) is a cold shower and a hot meal. Oh, and a nice, long nap, uninterrupted by my pager going off to inform me of yet another emergency.

I have some good news to report, too. I called my psychotherapist this morning and explained my need for an appointment sooner than July second. Thankfully, she squeezed me in for this Thursday.

My hands are shaking and I can feel my heart pounding, thumping in my chest at an unusually fast pace. I’m pissed off and angry. I’m mad to the point where I could start crying any second. I don’t know why I’m mad. I’ve got nothing to be angry about. I hate everybody, too, though not everyone has done something to me. I feel like a time bomb, ready to explode any second. Maybe I’m not mad… maybe I’m just incredibly sad and pathetic? I’m not sure what I’m feeling. I can’t seem to put it into words. I have an overwhelming fog of mixed feelings: hate, anger, misery, pain, numbness, sadness, isolation, fear, loneliness, unworthiness, uselessness, hopelessness, worry, exhaustion… it’s really too much for me to handle and I’m… breaking.
I want to talk about it, but I don’t know how. How can I tell anyone when I can’t put it into words? It’s building up, a constant, unbearable pressure. I’m frustrated. With myself, with my thoughts and feelings, with my parents, my friends and strangers. I keep thinking, “Why can’t anyone understand?!?!”. but I can’t expect anyone to understand… I can’t even begin to understand it myself. I want to scream, yell, hit something, punch someone, cry, sit in a dark room alone, be with someone, stand up for myself, just give up and collapse. I’m breaking, crumbling under the pressure. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I feel like a nobody. Am I not good enough anymore? I just want the old me back, no matter how imperfect I was, because I was so much happier before. I just want to laugh without effort, smile without strain. I am completely falling apart… I need someone to hold me together. I feel alone, like there’s nobody in my corner, like if I try and reach out, I will be reaching on forever, without a caring hand to grasp mine. So, I should just save my energy. What’s the point?
My hands are no longer shaking, my heart rate has slowed to a more normal pace and I feel less angered, but still upset, as tears leave stains on my cheeks. Crying is not so bad, I’m not one for crying, but it does help to relieve some stress. Still, I don’t know which is worse… feeling the pain and sadness or the anger? The fog in my head is lifting to some relief and visibility is increasing slightly. I need to know I’m worth the time of day, someone cares and that I make a difference somewhere, anywhere. I need some reassurance that this is going to get better, I won’t always feel like this and the fog in my head isn’t terminal. I feel as though I’m teetering on the brink of a tall, steep slope and I’m losing grip rapidly. I’m afraid… afraid that if I fall, the slope is too slippery and steep to catch myself and I won’t have the energy to climb back up once I hit the rock bottom. I just want to curl up in an empty corner somewhere and sleep forever. I’m scared because this isn’t me, these aren’t my feelings and I feel as though I’m fighting a losing battle with myself. The new me versus the old me and the old me is being defeated quickly, too weak to fight back, facing an almost certain death. I don’t like the new me. I HATE the new me. I can’t BE the new me…
Maybe I should be alone, stay away from other people so my misery doesn’t rub off on them. But I’m tired of being alone. Not in the literal meaning of the word. I’m constantly surrounded by people- people I love, people I know, strangers… but I’m still alone. I need someone to tell me that I’m not alone and that I don’t have to do this on my own… because I don’t think I can. I need help. I need to feel.
I don’t know what’s going on with me and I’m freaking out. I’m scared. I have no control over my thoughts and feelings and it’s all so disorderly… I can’t stand it. I’m spiraling out of control fast. I’m at my wits end, my breaking point. Between the nonstop physical pain and the emotional roller coaster I’m dealing with day in and day out, life has become torturous for me. I’m a prisoner of my body and mind. I feel that I’m not the only one who carries the burden of blame, though.

{May 21, 2012}   ! STRESS ! ANXIETY !

I’m super-stressed out right now. I’m really not sure why. My body is in a giant knot of pain and I want to block everybody out. I’m did get to spend some time with friends last night and today and that was nice. I also got to spend a lot of time in the sun today. But for some reason none of that matters because my stress and anxiety level are so high right now. My pager went off for Fire/Rescue and I about went though the roof because I’m so on edge. It wouldn’t be so bad if I could put my finger on what’s wrong, what’s causing me to feel this way. I guess because then I could fix it. Anxiety should come with an instruction booklet.

I may have to shut the world out for a few days, concentrate only on myself and my job with the Fire/Rescue Dept. That may be a large part of my problem: I get too caught up in other people’s lives and forget about my own.

I need a “me” day.

{May 2, 2012}   Just Relax!

Easy to say but almost impossible to accomplish, if you’re like me. Taking on this job with my local rescue department has started to heighten my anxiety. I was all kinds of excited about it, but now I’m very nervous and anxious about it. Sure, it’s normal to be nervous when you begin any new job, but being part of a rescue team seems to be much more nerve wracking. Don’t get me wrong, I still want to do it very much. I just wish I could see my therapist and have someone to talk to about all of this. It’s quite stressful to head in a completely different direction with your life, especially if the direction you choose is to save other people’s lives. I have thought about backing out and giving up on this dream, but I know that would lead me nowhere. I guess I feel like I need someone to help me along, tell me I can do it, encourage me and be there when I need someone to talk to.

I have a doctor’s appointment on Friday to get my back and neck realigned, as well as get my rib relocated. I know it will be good once it’s over with, but I have the hardest time relaxing so he can manipulate me. Usually it takes many drugs, muscle relaxers and pain killers of every kind, before he can work with me. At this point, I’m sore all over, and it’s not just from my back being out of alignment. My entire body hurts. A large part of my pain, I know, is from holding the stress in my shoulders and back. I just can’t seem to allow myself to relax, to let things go. Yet another reason I could really use a friend to talk to, to vent to, to release the stress and anxiety I feel so often.

I’m actually surprised I’ve written this much tonight. I’ve been on two rescue calls today and I’m exhausted. The rush of the adrenaline and then the fast calm to follow seems to drain me of the energy that I don’t have. It’s an amazing feeling, to be rushing to someone’s aide, to know you can comfort that person. For once, I am confident that I have made the right decision for myself. It feels good, great actually. I could just use a little guidance along the way to help keep me from getting discouraged and beating up on myself. I’ll admit that it feels strange to me to say what I need, even here on my blog, because I’m always taking care of other people and their needs. I neglect myself. There, I said it.

Now it’s off to bed for me.

{February 17, 2012}   Treading Outside Of My Comfort Zone

Today I feel as though someone took a Louisville Slugger to my back and ribs. And physical therapy did not feel good!

I’m taking a big step out of my comfort zone this weekend. I’m going to stay at a friends house for the entire weekend to help dog-sit. Hopefully I will be able to relax enough to enjoy a different environment and a little time with my friend and her husband. However… taking care of the dog all day means I will have to walk him outside so he can do his duties. I can do this, right? I have to do this, she does so much for me. At least they have wireless internet, right?

Wish me luck!

{February 16, 2012}   Then I Really Got Hurt

I got to hang out in here today... yuck.

No Pain, No Gain…

and got to spend a few hours in a room like this today. Not much fun. They gave me anesthesia which knocked me for a loop,but didn’t knock me out. They did a nerve block that numbed and paralyzed my right shoulder down to my right hip. Talk about a weird feeling. Then they did several injections of steroids and some other complicated word all over the right side of my back, neck, shoulder and right ribcage, as well as small incisions to get access to my muscles. I’m still very groggy, but also nauseous from the anesthesia. The right side of my ribcage looks like I ate a child’s arm from all of the swelling. The best part- they wouldn’t give me anything for the pain once I left the hospital! They sent me on my way with a nice little warning: “I may have punctured your right lung. If you stop breathing, call 911. Ha! So on top of feeling sick I’m also in a lot of pain. All I want to do is sleep, but I can’t relax with so much pain.

et cetera