notokinthehead











{September 21, 2013}   Puppets

puppetSo I have a good friend who’s having a hard time right now. I think it would be safe to say that she’s having a bit of a mental breakdown. I’ve been there for her every day, until I had to have thirty injections in my back and have been legitimately drugged up. All of a sudden I’m the enemy. I’m a liar, I’m selfish and I don’t care about her or what she’s going through. ARGH! Finally last night I had to shut my phone off and avoid all social media. I got to my breaking point, she pushed me over the edge. Then tonight I’m hanging out with a friend and she starts texting my friend telling him how I blew her off and all of a sudden I don’t have any time for her, etc. I don’t have the patience for this crap. I’m in pain.

Being friends with her is like being a puppet on a string. Anybody who is friends with her is her puppet on a string. She says who I can and cannot be friends with, where I can and cannot go and when I’m going to do this and that. Maybe I am being selfish in the way that I’m not going to answer to anyone. I’m my own person and will do and see who I please, whenever I want. I’m single and I have ZERO responsibilities. That’s how I like it.

So tonight I’m struggling with writing her an email explaining that I do love her, she’s like a big sister to me, but I can’t play all these games. I won’t play all of these games. Take me or leave me, but I’m not a puppet on a string and I won’t listen to the b.s. that results from me doing what I want to do.



Changes

The quote above hit a chord with me, somewhere deep inside. It’s a very true, almost crude, quote. My “best friend” is now miles away in heart and mind, though she moved into a home closer to me physically. We never get together for coffee anymore and forget about our little excursions out of town. She’s so preoccupied with her new home and it seems her head is too far up her ass to realize that the world doesn’t revolve around her. I can only do so much when I get nothing in return, emotionally.

On the other side of things, I’ve gained many more good friends and family (my brothers at the Fire Department) both near and far. These amazing people would give their lives for me without a second thought, which is so much more than a lot of people feel from their loved ones.

I’ve also learned a lot about people in the last year. They will use you, they will cut you just to watch you bleed and if you don’t follow your gut feelings, your instincts, you will end up hurt. Like my Dad says about me, if I were on a jury they would have to prove their innocence, not their guilt, because I trust no one until they prove to me that they are trustworthy. Or I get blinded by “love” or lust. But if you’re lucky enough to find one of the few truly good people in this world, hold on to them, realize just how blessed you are to be a part of their lives, and they’ll feel the same towards you. There really is no greater feeling in this life than to be able to trust someone completely, with every fiber of your being.

And if you can’t trust them completely… don’t enter a burning building with them! Haha. And of course, always remember:

Critics



This is exactly what my face looks like right now. No kidding.

This is exactly what my face looks like right now. No kidding.

I feel so good! A weekend (or five days) away has done me a world of good. Physical pain aside, I haven’t felt this good in a really, really, really long time. I’m already planning on returning next month.

Ahhh, to be FREE! I’ve been day dreaming about what it would be like to move there. Obviously it would be different than vacationing there. I couldn’t get drunk and party every night like we did this past weekend. It’s too expensive. But down there no one cares that I’m gay. No one cares that I’m a female but wear men’s clothes. Everyone loves everyone else, just the way they are. It’s really kind of sad when I think about it: I can’t get that from my own family.

For now I’m going to hold onto this good feeling that still remains from my little mini-vaca.

At least I’ve had some time to rest. There hasn’t been a single medical or fire call since I’ve been home. That’s a very good thing because I’m not sure my body could handle that right now. I might even take my Valium and turn my pager off tonight, for just one more night.



{June 12, 2013}   Comfort Zone Vacated

There’s nothing like being dressed like a boy and being dragged into Bath & Body Works and Victoria’s Secret to shop for fragrances. I’m still not sure what the difference is between body spray, perfume and spritz. But that’s how my last day of vacation was spent. I did get a few spray bottles of stink-good (I don’t know what type it is) because I like to mist my pillows with it so it smells good when I go to bed 🙂  It smells like a woman 😀

I can’t say it enough: this past weekend was amazing! Good friends, good food, good music, good times and good-good-goodness I can’t wait to go back!

We went straight to our Brazilian friend’s apartment in Boston Friday, got shit-faced and danced til five in the morning. We got up at ten Saturday morning and I spent the day riding around Boston doing errands with the woman I’ve been crushing on since I was fifteen (AHHH! <in a high-pitch opera voice>). Saturday night she cooked us some Brazilian food (yum!) and we had a few drinks and just talked and laughed until late. Sunday we got up and went to an amusement park all day and had a blast. We left her apartment Monday afternoon around three and drove to my friend’s parents’ apartment in the suburbs where we got Chinese take-out and watched Final Destination 5 in 3D (awesome!). And today (see above, first paragraph) we went to the mall and did a little shopping. We left around six and got home at ten-thirty tonight. I’m ready to turn around and head back already!

Stress free. Care free. I could be myself. I was in an apartment full of lesbians. I danced. I laughed. I talked. I learned a bit of a new language. I touched, I got touched. I ate. I drank. I relaxed. I didn’t care what anyone thought of me because everyone is so fun-loving. I haven’t felt that good in sooo long. ❤



{January 30, 2013}   You Just Want The Attention

Born Gay

I love Chelsea Handler! This pretty much says it all. A friend of mine (who I dated in junior high, turns out he’s gay, too. Ironic? Probably not. Ha!) posted this on FaceBook today and it made me smile big 😀

I have some plans that I’m looking forward to this weekend. I’m going to a nearby city to shop with a friend all day Friday and when I return Friday night, I’m going to pick up another friend and we’re going to Boston for the weekend. I’ll probably come back myself Saturday morning sometime like the party pooper I am, but we’re supposed to stay with her ill father while we’re down there and I know I can’t take much of that. Now if we were staying with our friend Cris, who’s old enough to be my mother but who I’ve had a major crush on since I was like fourteen, I’d stay as long as was financially possible. Hmm… it would be really cool if I could make that happen. But probably not on such short notice. Cris is actually the first lesbian I ever crushed on. Actually… she’s the only lesbian that I know of that I’ve crushed on.

Today’s song has a nostalgic feeling about it for me. I love it!

 



{September 20, 2012}   Break Ups

Ever had a break-up with your best friend? I had a falling out with mine a few months ago and it still bothers me. Mostly because she’s vicious and miserable and is still trying to pin me for things I never said or did. It’s sad that someone can be that miserable, isn’t it?

So, am I the only one who attaches break-up songs to the feelings I have about a best friend break-up? I have to laugh at it.

 



{May 14, 2012}   I’m Back

Wow, it’s been awhile. I apologize. I’ve been busy with the fire/rescue thing. We actually had a small, single engine plane crash yesterday. Exciting stuff.

There’s been a lot going on. I am no longer seeing my psychotherapist (my fault- I should be seeing her), I’ve been training hard for fire & rescue and I’m possibly moving… again. It sucks not having a permanent place to stay. Hopefully I can settle down soon. I also had a psychological evaluation the other day- I showed up wearing my slippers. The psychologist asked me, “Do you always leave the house in your slippers?”. I was like, “huh?”. I looked down at my feet and my face turned beet-red. I was so embarrassed that I forgot to put my shoes on because I was in a hurry and running late.

I got my back and neck realigned. Well, partially. It was difficult for me to relax and let the doctor fix me without all the drugs, but I don’t want the drugs. I really want to straighten out. I’ve been very stressed out lately but I haven’t “lost” it. I’ve kept it together, for the most part. My anxiety is is at a sky-high level, but I’m sure the stress is making it worse.

Now the sad part… I feel (and I could be being irrational) that now that I’m starting to get my life together and I’m going in a ‘good’ direction with everything that I’m losing my friends. Example: since I joined the fire/rescue, my “best friend” has talked to me like three times and twice it was through text. Also, I’d expect the people close to me to be proud of me for getting my shit together and doing something good with myself, but I’ve gotten very little recognition for it. That hurts. A lot.

Ugh, anyway, I’m going to do my best to keep up with my blog. I apologize in advance for any future slacking on my part.



et cetera