{September 7, 2015}   Realization

I’m a full-blown alcoholic. We’re talking an eighteen rack for the day and a half bottle of whiskey on the rocks at night. I’ve managed to disappoint and push away everyone I care about. How are you supposed to get sober when you have no support? Why should I care about getting sober when I have no one left to care for me?
I’ve been going through withdrawals today and it’s been rough. Chills, sweating, muscle cramps, vomiting, diarrhea, heart palpitations, feeling faint… I’ve felt like death and had to work on top of it. In a 120°F kitchen. I ended up having to leave early and I had two cocktails to try to take the edge off. I’m still very sick and of course I cannot sleep.
I’m frustrated to tears.

{January 10, 2013}   A Little Bit Obsessed

The L Word

I bought myself a DVR box today so that when the rare episode of The L Word airs I can record it (it usually airs in the wee hours of the morning). I’m also putting this DVR box in my bedroom so I can watch some of my favorite shows, like American Horror Story and Chelsea Lately, even when the kids are here (such shows are totally inappropriate for anyone under the age of sixteen to watch).

Now I will probably spend the next three days doing something I never do: watching TV. But that’s okay because even though my fever is gone (yay!) I still feel like poo. And today is day seven of this awful, debilitating headache. Now is a good time to start watching all those good shows. I made dinner early, the kids’ favorite: home made baked macaroni and cheese with tomato bits and crushed-cracker topping.

{January 7, 2013}   I’ll Come Back Around

JAPSo after not reading any books for too long of a stretch of time I went to my library and checked out a couple. I read one the day I got it: Far From Xanadu by Julie Anne Peters. Man, I love her work! It was hands down one of her best books. So relate-able, smooth, easy to read. It makes you realize what those feelings are that you’ve felt before. It makes you feel a little less alien-ish. It’s heart-wrenching and heart-melting. It’s definitely one I will reread over and over!Tilt

Now I’m onto Tilt by Ellen Hopkins. I love her books, too, because they’re written in the form of poems, they keep your mind engaged and they’re written from the viewpoint of young adults who are facing different hardships. I’ll let you know how much I like it when I’m finished 🙂

Getting back into reading is a start for me. We got some good news about my Mother’s illness. The Pulmonologist has put her on a trial and if it works like they hope it will, and if she takes the medications like she’s supposed to, she could have ten or more years. I’ll take that. It’s a hell of a lot better than six months to maybe a few years. I’ve been very busy this last week changing things around the house that the Pulmonologist said had to be changed if she is to get the maximum amount of time and the best quality of her life. I removed the carpets, painted the walls, replaced the curtains and drapes with blinds and put down a hardwood laminate floor. The floor was a real bitch, too. I got it finished last night. Thank God I’m more like my Dad than my Mom when it comes to being handy. So, being a tomboy my entire life isn’t such a bad thing. 🙂

{December 17, 2012}   Deep Breaths

Initially when we found out about my Mother’s terminal illness we were informed that EVERYTHING was going to change. We were told we’d have to remove all rugs, carpets and curtains/drapes from the house, get rid of the dog, cat and bird, switch from wood burning stoves to oil heat. It sounds selfish but everyone’s world was turned upside down, on top of receiving the news that we’re losing our mother. We spoke with the doctor again today and he said we only need to get rid of the bird and we all need to get flu and pneumonia vaccines. We can keep the dog and cat. We can wait until after Christmas to tear all of the carpets out. We don’t need to do away with the wood stoves.

Of course none of that changes the fact that we are losing our mother to a slow, painful death, but it does bring some comfort to where there was only havoc. My Mother feels much better, too. She felt very guilty and sad about “being the reason” we had to change everything. She felt bad that we would have to find homes for our pets, who are family to all of us, because of her illness. In reality, I would give her my lungs if they could that. What is losing a pet compared to losing a parent? It’s nothing.

I’m still angry.

As for me, I got two nerve blocks and five trigger point injections done today. I’m sore as hell. But I don’t really care. My pain seems so unimportant now.

{September 5, 2012}   Being Ill Sucks

I’ve been feeling under the weather now for about a week. Yesterday I went to my back doctor, finally, and she was able to relieve some of my pain. However, I’m still sick. I’m not sure what it is but I’ve vomited a few times, have had diarrhea for three days straight, an awful headache and all I want to do is sleep. Sleep, sleep, sleep, and then sleep a little more. I know sleeping is the body’s way of resting, which is why we sleep so much when we are ill, but there are things I need to get done and places I have to go. Today is my parent’s TWENTY-FIFTH anniversary. And I’m still sick.

Being ill is also majorly depressing. Ugh.


et cetera