notokinthehead











I’ve been absent in the blogging world for about a week now. I’ve kind of taken a nose dive into depression. It’s been coming for a while but it seems it’s finally caught up with me. As usual it’s a smorgasbord of things that all came together and piled up until I can’t smile through the pain and misery any longer. For example: the back and shoulder pain has reached a point where it’s unbearable. My doctor gave me Vicodyn but informed me on Monday that she will not give me anymore (she’s only given me one script for 15). My nephew, who moved into my home six weeks ago, has several developmental disabilities that we were not prepared for and I just do not have the patience for him. Paperwork and reports are steadily piling up on my desk at the Fire Station and I don’t have the concentration to get it all done. I’m frustrated and angry with myself. I’m depressed. I spent the entire day in bed today and I’ve been taking the Vicodyn every 3-4 hours and I’m pretty sure that I’m going to be a full-on narcotic addict within the next week.
To top it all off I accidentally slammed my finger in an engine’s compartment door tonight, slicing it deeply and bruising the shit out of it, causing it to swell to the point where my knuckle is nonexistent. It sure seems like nothing goes right when you’re already depressed.

image



{March 12, 2013}   Today’s Garb

Another new shirt. It’s white, black, blue, gray and yellow. It’s super comfy in the way that it’s so light, it feels like I’m almost naked. It’s also very obviously a boy’s shirt. I asked my Mother what she thought of it and, with a twisted face, she said it looked nice.

image

Physical Therapy was super painful today. Too much of her touching my painful spots and aggravating already very angry muscle spasms. My favorite part is when she sits behind me and, using the entire surface if her hands, gently pushes against the spasming muscles. It’s calming. You could probably dig deeper and say I like any positive touching because I have very little to no human contact that isn’t negative or me helping someone else. I think positive human contact is important to have. Sometimes getting that is next to impossible.



{March 12, 2013}   Small Victories

At the doctors yesterday I was elated to discover that I have lost four pounds! I know four pounds isn’t a lot, but if you think about it that’s a half gallon of milk or a can of beans. That’s just the motivation that I need to get back into boxing, broken hand or not. I still have one good hand ๐Ÿ™‚
Quick run down of my history: When I first injured my shoulder and my back I lost about ten pounds, bringing me just under my healthy weight according to the BMI. However, it didn’t take long of being laid up to gain that back, plus another ten. I’ve always struggled with my weight. I went from an obese fourteen year old to a thin, bulimic seventeen year old, to a healthy, active twenty-one year old. It’s a cycle, really. I still have my off days when I resort back to the bulimic ways, but I’ve been doing a good job with eating healthy and drinking a lot less alcohol and soda. And I’m at the point where I understand that losing fatty weight takes work.

Physical Therapy today. It’s raining cats and dogs and I really don’t feel like going anywhere. Is it just me or does it seem like every day is laundry day???



{March 12, 2013}   Above And Beyond

I cheated… I’ve been taking my cast off so that people won’t know that I broke my hand. I’ve even been on both medical and fire calls without my cast since I broke my hand. Tonight we had a lift assist for our frequent handicapped flopper. I’m honored to go on calls, whether they are emergencies or service calls, but this particular patient’s husband always has me change his wife’s clothing and pad after we assist her into bed. It’s above and beyond my duty, and it’s incredibly uncomfortable for me. Meanwhile, my Captain waits in the next room laughing at me. The only remedy I can think of is to avoid these calls, but I can’t do that and keep a good conscience.

I got my medical insurance back so I saw my doctor at the pain clinic today. We scheduled more thoracic spinal nerve blocks. Maybe I will be able to get some relief.

I begin physical therapy again tomorrow, though I really don’t want to. My pain levels have been at a 8 or 9 out of 10. I’ve been spending a lot of time in bed, like 15-18 hours because it just hurts too much.

Now for some fun news!
We have a new police officer in town! She is very friendly and will stop by the station to say hi if she sees my car. We do some small talk and she leaves. If I see her parked in her cruiser, I’ll stop and chit chat for a bit. She’s gorgeous and the uniform doesn’t hurt, either. So, I guess I have a little crush on our new police officer ๐Ÿ™‚ย ย  It feels good to be back in the game. At least, to have someone to pine over, even if they’re unavailable.



{March 8, 2013}   Down For The Count

I saw one of my doctors this morning. He said the โ€œboxer’s fracture” isn’t bad and put me in a 3/4 cast (goes almost all the way around, but leaves enough of an opening so I can take it off for showering, etc) that completely covers my fingers and goes to my mid forearm. It actually doesn’t hurt so bad now. I go back for another xray in about a week. He said I can still work as long as I keep the cast on… what can I do in my job with one hand??? Now my next challenge is talking to my Chief. I forgot to get a note from the doctor :/

Dearest Vicodyn, you win. Nap time!

image



{March 7, 2013}   Boys Have The Best Clothes

There is definitely a plaid pattern going on in my wardrobe now. This shirt is from the boy’s section in TJMAXX. Being it’s freezing cold and snowy out-and I have an appointment to go to- I put a navy blue long John shirt under it.

I haven’t seen my psychotherapist in about a month now. This should be interesting… wonder if she’ll give me shit for my hand? Check out the new half cast and awesome buddy taping of my two fingers.

image



{March 7, 2013}   Stupid Doctor

I find out today after a radiologist looked at my xrays that there is a hairline fracture of my fifth metacarpal, otherwise known as the bone that extends from the pinky into the hand. That’s why it hurt so much when they relocated my pinky. I have another ER attending contacting orthopedics on my behalf because they seem to keep forgetting me.

I’m in another temporary half cast until orthopedics decides to see me. And I have no feeling in my pinky. I don’t think they believed me because the doc poked it several times with a scary looking metal tool. When he didn’t get any reaction out of me I think he got it.

Our local hospital sucks.



{March 6, 2013}   It’s Beginning… Again.

I slept for 15 hours last night. Well, I didn’t actually sleep the whole time. Each time I’d wake up I’d shift a little and the pain in my back was unbearable, so I just laid there until I would doze off again. Finally about 14:30 I got up. I wouldn’t have had I not needed to pee. I feel like the world’s biggest bum.

image

When I finally got up and made my way to another room which you can see through the Windows (my bedroom has blackout drapes) I saw that the big snow storm we’ve been expecting is just getting started. The weather forecasters are saying we will see another foot + of snow from this storm. The last three storms we’ve had have delivered more than a foot of snow each. We’re slowly disappearing under this white blanket and it almost hurts that the Floridians are laughing at us. Fortunately, between storms the temps have been in the upper 30’s to the lower 40’s so we get some snow melt.

Typically these storms bring a load of emergency calls: chimney fires, trees on power lines, car accidents, fall victims and general medical calls. That’s just how it works. Fortunately, I have been able to keep my newest injury (dislocated pinky and deformed hand) a secret from the department by wearing my fire gloves and my nitrile gloves. If anyone got wind of it they’d put me an leave ASAP for liability reasons. Though I may be being a little dishonest by way of omitting information, I can’t be put on leave. Here’s my explanation: the fire and rescue is all that is keeping me together right now. My head is going crazy, it’s full of static and I’m doing crazy things to keep from spiraling completely out of control. When I am on a call or at the station my focus is strictly on the task at hand. Nothing else matters. I am so focused when I’m on a call that I don’t feel the pain in my body. When I worked that snowmobile accident the other day (just hours after dislocating my pinky) I was focused to the point where I didn’t feel my hand, nor do I know at what point it became deformed again. It’s unbelievable. I’ve never had any activity where I’ve been so focused and unselfish before. I love it.

I finally got an appointment with my psychotherapist for tomorrow (depending on the storm). However, orthopedics is overloaded with emergencies thanks to ski season and our abundance of ski mountains, so I have been unable to get in to see them. I was supposed to see them first thing Tuesday morning, but they ended up in surgery with my snowmobile accident victim and they haven’t rescheduled me yet. When I think about it, I’d much rather wait than have someone like that have to wait.



So I have flannel shirts that I’ve had for a long time. A baby blue/white one, a pink/white one, and a brown/white one. But yesterday my friend had me try on a green/black/white one and it looked good. I’ve never been a big fan of the color green on myself. But damn! I like it. I’m wearing it today as a way of easing myself into wearing the others around family. I feel like it’s not fair for me to just all of a sudden change my entire look. That, or I don’t want to listen to their shocked, degrading complaints. Nice & easy does it.
I’m a little bit surprised at how comfortable I am with my new look. And I’m very grateful to have such an awesome, understanding friend who was more excited about getting me a new wardrobe than I was. She’s pretty awesome ๐Ÿ™‚

After the snowmobile rescue yesterday my hand is really hurting. And my body, for that matter. It was a difficult rescue for people who weren’t injured. I’m overflowing with pride for sucking it up and doing what had to be done, despite my own troubles. However, my hand is once again deformed. I can’t wait to get back to boxing!



{March 4, 2013}   It’s Not Over Yet!

Dear Old Man Winter,
ย  I’ve seen more than enough of you this year. You make a difficult job near impossible. Please say your goodbyes and hit the road.
Crankily,
ME

While shopping today my pager went off: snowmobile accident, unknown location, one male patient with broken wrist, broken hip, broken leg and back injuries. So being the adrenaline junkie that I am, I grabbed my friend and ran to my car. I got to the Fire Station about the time that dispatch was able to provide us with coordinates of their whereabouts. Being EMS personnel, myself and two others hopped on our ATV with the toboggan trailing behind. About five minutes into the woods the sky opened up and it was like a blizzard. Our patient did indeed have serious injuries and he was located down an embankment, through some trees and rested face-down on a frozen pond. It was one hell of an extrication. But we did it and we did it quickly and successfully.

So winter, you may go away now. I have experienced my first snowmobile accident and really don’t care to experience another. Especially just hours after dislocating one of my own joints. No, the half cast didn’t last very long at all. I took it off shortly after I returned home from the ER.



et cetera