{August 29, 2013}   Rainy Days

Rainy days make me lazy. So does severe lack of sleep. Thanks to the rain I was awake all night with my shoulder throbbing.
So today’s plans are to lay around and watch The L Word. Fortunately for me about two weeks ago while under the influence of a new medication I bought a subscription to Netflix. I only found out by looking at my credit card statement.
So there’s my day.

{July 24, 2013}   ~*Time Slipping Away*~

Time Slipping Away

{July 16, 2013}   Drug Addict’s Candy Store


I imagine that from the outside looking in I appear to be a sort of candy store for drug addicts.
Yesterday I went against myself on my stand against taking narcotics. The pain in my shoulder was so excruciating it woke me up around 05:30 and I actually cried from it. So I called my doctor and she gave me some Vicodyn. I’ve been taking, too. It’s finally gotten to the point where I’m in too much pain to go on emergency calls anyway, so I may as well take the pain killers, right? I don’t like the way the Vicodyn makes my head feel though. I’m still trying to decide if the minimal amount of pain relief that it provides is worth feeling drugged. I’m such a light weight. I didn’t sleep well at all last night, I tossed and turned, cried a little from frustration and pain and finally fell into a restless sleep sometime just before 05:00 this morning.
98°F Outside, 94°F in my room right now. Between the heat and humidity and the Vicodyn I’ll probably be passed out soon. On the bright side of things my ice pack is multifunctional today 🙂

{July 11, 2013}   Another Sleepless Night


“She only drinks coffee at midnight/when the moment is not right/and the timing is quite unusual/you see her confidence is tragic/but her intuition’s magic/and the shape of her body, unusual…” -Meet Virginia, Train

Lately my bedtime goes like this:
>>>>> One sheep, two sheep, cow, turtle, duck, Ol’ McDonald had a farm, heeeyyyy Macarena! I hate everybody. Am I really upset that the doctor’s office hasn’t sent me a bill yet? Shit, I forgot to take my medication today. I need to put gas in my car. I’m two weeks and three dead bodies behind on reports. I need to fall asleep now, I have to get up in three hours and fifty-five minutes. I can’t wait for my friend to come up on the nineteenth. My Portuguese is way better than it was, but it needs a lot of improvement. I’m going to be dragging ass tomorrow. I’m praying that someone can take this pain away. Ugh, three hours and fifty minutes. It’ll take me, what, an hour and a half to fall into a restful sleep, if I can, then I have to get up two hours and ten minutes later? But I’m still dressed, so round it off to maybe two hours of sleep. I wonder if I’ll be able to get a nap in tomorrow? If I could write you a song to make you fall in love I would already have you up under my arm… you think you’re cooler than me.

Am I the only one? (I’m the only one who’ll walk across the fire for you, and I’m the only one who’ll drown in my desire for you…). It’s never ending!

{January 4, 2013}   Brain Through a Blender

BrainSeriously. I leave in a half an hour to see my therapist and I’m dreading it, simply because my mind is going in a million different directions. I can’t settle on one thing before it goes onto the next. My brain is a mess! And I really think she hates it CUTwhen I sit there and don’t say anything, kind of like the girl in the book CUT. Sometimes I think things would be much easier if it was acceptable to stay silent and not have to say anything everywhere you go. Words are all too often meaningless, anyway. Actions speak.

Here’s a theory: I think we have to be trained to talk. Sounds silly, doesn’t it? What I mean is when someone is raised the way I was, in a house where you don’t talk about your problems or your feelings but either keep it bottled up inside or take it out on the nearest wall, you don’t know how to talk about feelings when it’s appropriate to do so. The only way you know to solve a problem is to get physically violent, whether it’s with another person or an object. So somehow we need to be retrained in how to express things.

Okay, maybe I’m a little crazy this morning. I didn’t sleep hardly at all last night and when my alarm went off this morning I threw my phone. Hmmm… too bad I can’t talk to it. Ha!

{November 14, 2012}   Devil’s Advocate

In one hour I have a phone interview with my lawyer so he can prepare me for my hearing tomorrow. I know he’s going to play the devil’s advocate so I just have to remind myself to stay calm and not get angry and retaliate. I have to keep my temper under control. It’s gets harder to do that as my nights become more and more restless. My fuse is getting shorter and my bouts of anger longer. I’m afraid of losing it in the courtroom tomorrow.


{November 4, 2012}   It Is What It Is

I have been super moody and cranky for the last week, maybe a little longer. There really isn’t much of anything going on, yet it feels like I’m carrying the world on my shoulders. I come to my blog to complain about it because no one else wants to hear about it. It’s sad how you can be someone else’s rock, but the moment you show any weakness or that you may need someone to play the role of the rock for you, they’re gone. Haha, story of my life!

When I break it down I can see exactly why I’ve been moody and irritable. If you don’t have chronic pain imagine the worst toothache you’ve ever had, or if you’ve ever broken a bone. Now imagine having that pain twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, in your back. You use your back for everything but you don’t realize that until something’s not right with it. When you sit down or stand up, you use your back. When you reach for something, you’re using your back. When you’re laying in bed trying to sleep and just reach to adjust your blanket, you’re using your back. Washing your hair in the shower uses your back. Even turning the steering wheel in your car uses the muscles in your back. So even the simplest things become torturous. When everything you do brings you pain it makes it difficult to be cheerful.

Then there’s the issue of not getting any restful sleep. That makes me cranky, as it does almost everyone who has trouble sleeping. Add that to the nearly constant pain and you get a monster, but not the cuddly, furry kind like Sully from Monster’s Inc. I found “5 Effects of Sleep Deprivation” on and this is the awful list they give:

5. Memory Loss:(That’s why my memory sucks?!)

For a second, imagine all of your memories are erased; every birthday, summer vacation, even what you did yesterday afternoon is completely lost, because you have no recollection of them.

It’s a chilling thought, but that is what a life without sleep would be like. Sleep is essential to the cognitive functions of the brain, and without it, our ability to consolidate memories, learn daily tasks, and make decisions is impaired by a large degree. Research has revealed that REM sleep, or dream-sleep, helps solidify the “fragile” memories the brain creates throughout the day so that they can be easily organized and stored in the mind’s long-term cache.


4. Weight Fluctuations: (Lord knows I don’t need help with this!)

It might be more than just the midnight munchies that are adding inches to your waistline. Sleep deprivation can be culprit, as well, constantly plotting to give you droopy eyes and sabotage your figure. In 1984, a sleep study revealed that people who averaged six hours of sleep per night were 27 percent more likely to be overweight than those who got seven to nine hours. And those who averaged only five hours of sleep per night were 73 percent more likely to be overweight.

When the body is forced to stay awake, it becomes very difficult for it to process blood sugar and leptin, a protein hormone that regulates appetite and metabolism. Over time, poor sleeping habits could lead to type 2 diabetes and weight gain, due to your body’s decreased ability to process sugar and suppress food cravings.


3. Sleep Paralysis: (Pray to God I never experience this!)

During deep REM sleep, your muscles (except those in the eyes) are essentially immobilized in order to keep you from acting out on your dreams. Unfortunately, this effort your body makes to keep you safe while dreaming can sometimes backfire, resulting in sleep paralysis.

Sleep paralysis occurs when the brain is aroused from its REM cycle, but the body remains in its immobilizing state. This can be quite a frightening sensation because, while your mind is slowly regaining consciousness, it has no control over your body, leaving some with a feeling of powerlessness, fear and panic.

Most people experience this eerie phenomena at least once in their lives, but those who are sleep deprived are more likely to have panicked episodes of sleep paralysis that are usually accompanied by hallucinations, as well.


2. A Weakened Immune System: (Hmmm… Too many drugs for me to get sick)

We all hang around in bed during our bouts of illness. But did you know that skipping out on the bed rest can increase your risk of getting sick? Prolonged sleep deprivation has long been associated with diminished immune functions, but researchers have also found a direct correlation between “modest” sleep deprivation — less than six hours — and reduced immune response.

Try to toughen up your immune system by getting at least seven hours of sleep a night, and maintaining a healthy diet. You’ll be glad you got that extra hour of sleep the next time that bug comes around and leaves everyone else bedridden with a fever for three days.


1: High Blood Pressure: (Once again, I’m on meds for that)

The pressure is building, but there’s no suspense here. By getting less than six hours of sleep a night, you could be putting yourself at risk for high blood pressure. When you sleep, your heart gets a break and is able to slow down for a significant period of time. But cutting back on sleep means your heart has to work overtime without its allotted break. By constantly skipping out on all of your 40 winks, your body must accommodate to its new conditions and elevate your overall daily blood pressure.

And the heart isn’t the only organ that is overtaxed by a lack of sleep. The less sleep you get, the less time the brain has to regulate stress hormones, and over time, sleep deprivation could permanently hinder the brain’s ability to regulate these hormones, leading to elevated blood pressure. Getting the recommended amount of sleep means you’re doing one of the simplest actions to keep your heart healthy.


Who knew insomnia could be so terrifying? I didn’t. I thought it just made me cranky. And I think everyone knows the effects of chronic pain- depression, insomnia, irritability, anger, difficulty concentrating… Put the two issues together and you get… ME! I keep hoping that someone will find a solution for my pain that doesn’t include narcotic pain killers. I think if the pain were under control that I’d be able to get some restful sleep, rather than the few fitful hours I’m able to get now. I wish I was able to keep my attitude and temper in check long enough to explain to my Osteopathic doctor exactly how awful I feel and how it’s making my interpersonal relationships miserable.


{November 1, 2012}   Sudden Shift

I woke up today panicking. I got my shit together and called my lawyer. My court hearing is in fourteen days. My lawyer did not help me feel any better about it, either. First of all, my hearing is eighty-five miles from where I live. My truck is dead and needs a starter ($120). I have no income. So how am I supposed to buy a starter and the gas to drive one hundred seventy-five miles round trip?

Then (& I know he’s only playing devil’s advocate) my lawyer went on a spiel about how I took that EMT course and joined the fire/rescue department. He said it looks bad. Well… it’s volunteer. I don’t do any lifting and I don’t go on many calls. I don’t have to do anything. I only go on calls when I feel up to it. That’s why it works for me. I’m not stuck at work for eight hours, I’m not forced to deal with people, I don’t have to try to do anything I can’t handle. I don’t even have to show up if I don’t want to. And I miss probably nine out of ten calls because I don’t feel able to deal with it. What am I supposed to do, rot at home? It’s been a year and a half of nothing for me. Nothing but pain, depression and disappointments. Am I not supposed to try and better myself?

Oh man. I’m just totally freaking out over the hearing. I’m angry and I feel defeated. I feel like I’m stuck. For so many reasons: I try and try, I seem to get nowhere but further behind. I can’t sleep. I lay in bed awake, tossing, turning and hurting til the early morning hours, finally fall asleep from mental & physical exhaustion, only to wake up a couple of hours later, hurting. I don’t do anything fun anymore, I don’t sketch or paint, I haven’t picked up my violin or played my piano in two years. I don’t have the patience to be around anyone, family, friends or even walking through a store.

I am so frustrated and… ‘down’. I’m ready to just say “fuck it” and give up.

{October 19, 2012}   Lincoln Log Master

First let me share this bit of good news:





I had my four-year-old nephew from seven-thirty this morning until eight-thirty this evening. My head is still spinning, though it’s slowly losing momentum. We spent a good five hours playing with Lincoln Logs. If you’ve never played with them, even if you’re an adult, I highly suggest you give it a whirl. Challenge yourself to build the cabins they picture on the box. I am now a Lincoln Log Master! My nephew is the typical four-year-old boy: a bull in a China Closet. Seriously. He can’t close a door without slamming it as hard as he can or walk through a room without knocking something over. He reminds me of myself. Haha.

I’m exhausted but my back is killing me. Hopefully with some heat and Seroquel I will be able to find some long-lost sleep tonight. Lord knows I’m beat! It’s been a long and tiring week, both emotionally and physically. It’s about time I caught a break!

et cetera