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{March 25, 2014}   Stalked

As a Firefighter/EMT, when we have bad days they very quickly turn into bad weeks. A bad day for us all too often means that we lost a patient or lost one of our own. This week I worked a scene of a young woman who completed suicide. There was nothing we could do for her, she was gone long before anyone called 911. Even though there was so very obviously nothing anyone could do to save this young woman’s life it tends to follow you, stalk you. Some things that you encounter in this profession never leave you.

For the last three days I’ve been haunted by the completed suicides that I’ve worked in my two short years as a firefighter/EMT. None of which were viable. The elderly male who put a gun in his mouth and sprayed his entire bathroom with blood and brain matter. The 19 year old girl who hung herself with the cord of a curling iron from an eye-hook in a bathroom ceiling. The 32 year old mother who we found face down in her own vomit, she overdosed on Oxycodone with her teenage children in the house. And then Saturday, the young woman who sat in her car garage with her car running.

The things I’ve seen make it hard to sleep at night. Natural death is hard to deal with, but when someone actively takes their own life it’s devastating for all involved. It kind of makes you angry, you studied your ass off to learn how to save people when they’re circling the drain, you’ve held the hand of the dying and tried to do your best to comfort them when all they want is more time on this Earth. Then you go and cut down the body of someone who decided that their life isn’t worth living. It definitely makes you question your faith in God, or whatever higher power that you believe in, that they allow the people who want to live, to die, while the ones who have no desire to live anymore can choose to take their own lives.

I’m not putting down people who are depressed, suicidal or mentally ill. I understand some of the emotional distress and chemical imbalances that play a role in depression. I’m just simply asking why things play out the way they do. I understand that I’ll never have an answer to that question.

Conclusion: death is difficult. My job has me knee deep in corpses, when I’d much rather do lift assists all day every day. You can comfort the families who’ve lost a loved one all day, but you can never breathe life back into a person when their time has come.

EMS: the profession of being stalked by death.



{November 11, 2013}   My Playlist

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“I’m gonna make it to the top, well let me show you, and if I’ve got to toughen up then that is what I’ll do, don’t make me a monster, baby, you’d be crazy, that’s for sure…” ~Jem

Nonessential information: I have a routine I must follow or I go completely ballistic- Go to Dunkin’ Donuts every Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday night at ten o’clock in the evening to get my medium, hot, French Vanilla, extra-extra with a shot of espresso and three ice cubes. Then I sit in my car in the parking lot, listening to music, and drink exactly half of the coffee before taking the long way home. I need this time, this constant, or I go totally ape-shit.

My current playlist is:
1.) “24” by Jem
2.) “Good Enough” by Sarah McLaughlin
3.) “In the Arms of an Angel” by Sarah McLaughlin
4.) “Save Me” by Jem
5.) “Seduces Me” by Celine Dion
6.) “They” by Jem
7.) “Come Over Here” by Sarah Bettens
8.) “Dreamin’ of You” by Celine Dion
9.) “Adia” by Sarah McLaughlin
10.) “Do What You Have to Do” by Sarah McLaughlin
11.) “Falling Into You” by Celine Dion
12.) “Fire on the Mountain” by Rob Thomas
13.) “I Always Knew” by Jem
14.) “Just Stay Here Tonight” by Augustana
15.) “Thank You” by Dido

Because fifteen songs is way too many to post the videos of I chose a few of my favorites, three that really speak to me at the moment:



{October 20, 2013}   When Help is 1,749 Miles Away

My psychotherapist, JB, has taken a job in Puerto Rico, 1,749 miles away. She will continue to “see” me via phone, Skype and/or email. I guess it’s a temporary job for only five or six months and then she’s coming back to continue her private practice here. I wish her nothing but luck and happiness. I can imagine how burnt out one can get being a psychotherapist.

Now for the selfish side of me: JB couldn’t have taken this job at a worse time! It’s mid-October and my anxiety and depression increases three-fold throughout the winter months. Yes she gave me referrals in case I feel the need to contact a counselor to have face-to-face sessions with while she’s gone but I’ve been seeing JB off and on for ten years, a new counselor won’t get it. JB does. I don’t have the patience to train a new counselor so they know what is and isn’t off-limits and I don’t have the mental ability to retell my story to a new counselor.

Maybe that’s the problem. I’ve become too comfortable with JB and it’s more like a friendship than a client/counselor relationship. Maybe she respects my boundaries a little too much because she knows how defensive and angry I get. Maybe having another counselor on the side would be beneficial for treatment. Maybe a kind of good cop/bad cop thing wouldn’t be a bad idea. JB is the good cop and another, new counselor can be the bad cop.

Maybe I’m completely overreacting by hitting the panic button so soon.

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{September 21, 2013}   Puppets

puppetSo I have a good friend who’s having a hard time right now. I think it would be safe to say that she’s having a bit of a mental breakdown. I’ve been there for her every day, until I had to have thirty injections in my back and have been legitimately drugged up. All of a sudden I’m the enemy. I’m a liar, I’m selfish and I don’t care about her or what she’s going through. ARGH! Finally last night I had to shut my phone off and avoid all social media. I got to my breaking point, she pushed me over the edge. Then tonight I’m hanging out with a friend and she starts texting my friend telling him how I blew her off and all of a sudden I don’t have any time for her, etc. I don’t have the patience for this crap. I’m in pain.

Being friends with her is like being a puppet on a string. Anybody who is friends with her is her puppet on a string. She says who I can and cannot be friends with, where I can and cannot go and when I’m going to do this and that. Maybe I am being selfish in the way that I’m not going to answer to anyone. I’m my own person and will do and see who I please, whenever I want. I’m single and I have ZERO responsibilities. That’s how I like it.

So tonight I’m struggling with writing her an email explaining that I do love her, she’s like a big sister to me, but I can’t play all these games. I won’t play all of these games. Take me or leave me, but I’m not a puppet on a string and I won’t listen to the b.s. that results from me doing what I want to do.



{September 4, 2013}   I’m A Big Kid Now

LGI finally broke down and ordered a new cell phone… a touch screen phone. I guess I’m finally growing up, or just breaking down and following trends? I’ve had the old flip-style phones since I got my very first cell phone ten years ago. However I’ve never had much luck with them: one went swimming in the river on a kayaking trip, one got washed with my clothes, two got thrown and smashed, one got run over by a firetruck and my latest one, the one I have now, is worn out. Half of the buttons no longer work and I’m going through texting withdrawals. So I got on the computer, felt like I was cheating on a significant other, and researched cell phones. I’ve decided to go with Straight Talk and the L38G Optimus Dynamic LG. It should be here Monday and I’ll be put to the test. I have all I can manage to use my Kindle Fire HD because it’s a touch-screen and there’s no keyboard or mouse. I’m quite technologically challenged, to say the least. I do feel confident in my latest endeavor, though. The only thing that disappoints me is that I cannot seem to find a case for it with either a Maltese Cross (fire department symbol) or the Star of Life (EMS symbol). I can’t even find a decent-looking pink camouflage case. So it looks like I’m going to have to settle for a plain pink and black case.

I guess I could be having far worse troubles than a physically disabled cell phone and not getting exactly what I want.

On the very bright side of things I’m finally getting into the Pain Clinic on Friday and will be able to get more pain meds. That will be a huge relief and help me out tremendously. I’ve spent much too much time working on the computer at my office for the last few weeks and my body does not like it. Deadlines are evil, I like to freelance!



{September 3, 2013}   ~*Take My Time*~

Take My Time



{August 23, 2013}   We Are All One

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{August 22, 2013}   ~*What A Girl Wants*~

She Is Me



{August 18, 2013}   ~*High*~

I’ve been strong for far too long,
I just can’t keep the pace.
I’ve been carrying on,
driving down the same old roads,
I’m losing faith, starting to lose face.
Seems it’s the same from day-to-day,
It seems nothing ever changes.
I’ve nothing left to lose,
there’s nothing left to gain,
I’m all out of things to say.
These pills only kill the pain for just so long,
just one more line, I think-
and I’ll be able to go on.
I’ve run out of cigarettes
and I’m down to my last shot of whiskey,
I know that if I keep this up
this lifestyle will kill me.
I need a helping hand,
someone to save me from myself
because I don’t think I can,
and I don’t know how much more I can stand.
I feel I’ve lost my mind- all concept of time-
and I’m going to extremes just to unwind.
So hold me close and don’t let me go,
I’m becoming my own worst enemy.
Hold me tight and don’t let my mind take flight,
I feel it’s getting harder for me to breathe.
I’m sorry if my words have brought you down,
it seems like you’re always around
for the good and the bad days,
when I’m feeling crazy, a touch insane.
You get it all,
the best of me and the worst of me,
now that I’m down on my knees, crying “please”
I hear you whispering to me calmly,
soothing away my misery.
I realize you make me want to be a better person,
and I know that through trials and tribulations
your love and patience can replace my addictions.



I’ve been absent in the blogging world for about a week now. I’ve kind of taken a nose dive into depression. It’s been coming for a while but it seems it’s finally caught up with me. As usual it’s a smorgasbord of things that all came together and piled up until I can’t smile through the pain and misery any longer. For example: the back and shoulder pain has reached a point where it’s unbearable. My doctor gave me Vicodyn but informed me on Monday that she will not give me anymore (she’s only given me one script for 15). My nephew, who moved into my home six weeks ago, has several developmental disabilities that we were not prepared for and I just do not have the patience for him. Paperwork and reports are steadily piling up on my desk at the Fire Station and I don’t have the concentration to get it all done. I’m frustrated and angry with myself. I’m depressed. I spent the entire day in bed today and I’ve been taking the Vicodyn every 3-4 hours and I’m pretty sure that I’m going to be a full-on narcotic addict within the next week.
To top it all off I accidentally slammed my finger in an engine’s compartment door tonight, slicing it deeply and bruising the shit out of it, causing it to swell to the point where my knuckle is nonexistent. It sure seems like nothing goes right when you’re already depressed.

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et cetera