{March 3, 2014}   Nothing’s Changed

For some reason I thought that having my own house, a cat, a dog and a life separate from everyone else would make me feel different. What kind of different, I don’t know. Maybe I expected it to make me feel special or “grown-up”. That’s not how I feel. I think I may have thought in the beginning that I finally had freedom and my own house to have freedom in, that I’d have friends over and get drunk and have parties. That is most definitely not the case. I think that despite having my own home, nothing has changed for me. I can say that since moving out of my parent’s house I feel better. Don’t get me wrong I love my Mom and Dad with all of my heart. However their house is full of twenty-three years of clutter and with all of the foot traffic it’s damn near impossible to keep up with the housework there. Here in my house I clean every day. There’s no clutter what-s0-ever. My counters are spotless, my floors are clean, there aren’t shoes covering the entryway, there’s no dishes overflowing my sink… and as an added bonus I don’t have to keep the volume down on the TV or stereo. I can wander my house all hours of the night and not worry about disturbing anyone.

So in reality, though on the surface it seems everything has changed for me- new friends, new home, new responsibilities, new dog, etc.- nothing has really changed. I’m still the same person, though I may have my shit together a little better now.

To top it all off… I now know that I’m a good person. I’ve rid myself of the toxic people in my life who were holding me down and preventing me from growing. I’m no longer running around and answering to their every beck and call. I was a good person before, I just didn’t see it because I was surrounding myself with bad people. What a difference it has made to rid myself of the toxic people in my life! I definitely suggest everyone try it.

{December 17, 2012}   Deep Breaths

Initially when we found out about my Mother’s terminal illness we were informed that EVERYTHING was going to change. We were told we’d have to remove all rugs, carpets and curtains/drapes from the house, get rid of the dog, cat and bird, switch from wood burning stoves to oil heat. It sounds selfish but everyone’s world was turned upside down, on top of receiving the news that we’re losing our mother. We spoke with the doctor again today and he said we only need to get rid of the bird and we all need to get flu and pneumonia vaccines. We can keep the dog and cat. We can wait until after Christmas to tear all of the carpets out. We don’t need to do away with the wood stoves.

Of course none of that changes the fact that we are losing our mother to a slow, painful death, but it does bring some comfort to where there was only havoc. My Mother feels much better, too. She felt very guilty and sad about “being the reason” we had to change everything. She felt bad that we would have to find homes for our pets, who are family to all of us, because of her illness. In reality, I would give her my lungs if they could that. What is losing a pet compared to losing a parent? It’s nothing.

I’m still angry.

As for me, I got two nerve blocks and five trigger point injections done today. I’m sore as hell. But I don’t really care. My pain seems so unimportant now.

et cetera