{July 1, 2013}   Cry Baby

Since I’ve been out of physical therapy for two weeks things have progressively gotten worse. I’ve had almost a constant dead-arm (pins and needles, heavy, goes completely numb) for over a week, my shoulder blade and my entire back are almost unbearably achy and I’ve had a shooting, sharp pain going from my lower back down my left leg. And did I mention that the pain clinic dropped me like a hot cake, with no reason given, a week ago? I’ve had a pretty rough few weeks. I admit I’ve had a bad attitude and been in a bad mood since they dropped me as a patient. I turn the sad feelings such as hopelessness, helplessness and sorrow into anger. I guess it’s just easier to be angry than to be any of the above mentioned emotions. Of course I already have the anger issues, even when things are going great. I think the combination of everything over the last few weeks makes a volatile poison. When the pain clinic dropped me I was awash with hopelessness. Even though I was still in pain while receiving treatment the fact that they were trying to help me gave me hope. Now that no one is trying to help the pain, the hope has vanished. I don’t know where I go from here. In the area that I live in the pain clinic was the last resort.

As I laid in bed for a few hours this morning, staring at the ceiling, thinking and daydreaming, I realized that as badly as I want to pick up and start anew somewhere where no one knows me and I can find my true self, it won’t stop the pain from coming. It won’t stop the eruption of anger. I can’t run away from these problems for they have literally become a part of me and who I am. At least here I have my friends and my family, people who care about me and even a select few who understand what I’ve been through and what I’m going through. I can wish all day that circumstances were different than what they are, but it won’t do me any good. I need to do something about it before I see any results. So far every door I’ve chosen had led me down a dead end hallway, but like a game show, I know one of the doors will lead me to the prize. I just have to find the strength and determination to keep opening the doors and going down those dark hallways until I find the light at the end of the tunnel.

So basically… I’m going to need a lot more coffee.

{May 28, 2013}   My Girl

I’m humming The Temptations song now.
I think it’s sweet that Babe always curls up with the clothes I wore all day. It must be because they smell like me. Kind of like when I was little and I’d wear my Dad’s t-shirts as night shirts because they “smelled like Daddy”.


Babe curled up on my jeans, sleeping soundly.

My only complaint today is that I’m going on 34 hours without sleep. The pain makes any attempt at restful sleep impossible. I’m so exhausted I’ve been sick to my stomach.

The next four days are going to be very busy and long. Tomorrow I have a meeting at the Fire Station, then physical therapy followed by a visit to the pain clinic.  Then I have to get up at 04:30 Thursday morning to take my best friend for surgery, where I will stay the night with her and bring her home Friday afternoon. Then Saturday is the big day- my brother is getting married!

It will be a miracle if I don’t have a meltdown before it’s all over. It doesn’t take much to overwhelm me.

Yesterday I accidentally sliced the back of my forearm open. It didn’t hurt… until I grabbed the closest paper towel to stop the bleeding with. It was a used paper towel that was quite wet with Windex. Boy did that wake me up. To top it off, this EMS professional only has little, tiny band aids at home. It took seven of them to cover the wound. Thankfully, I’m better at this stuff when it’s someone else gushing blood!

I leave in ten minutes for my first Commissioner’s Meeting. I’m nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs. AND my Mother will be there.

I had physical therapy for the first time in a month today. I’m sore. And I’m getting fitted for new bunker gear tonight, too.

Wish me luck!!!

{March 12, 2013}   Today’s Garb

Another new shirt. It’s white, black, blue, gray and yellow. It’s super comfy in the way that it’s so light, it feels like I’m almost naked. It’s also very obviously a boy’s shirt. I asked my Mother what she thought of it and, with a twisted face, she said it looked nice.


Physical Therapy was super painful today. Too much of her touching my painful spots and aggravating already very angry muscle spasms. My favorite part is when she sits behind me and, using the entire surface if her hands, gently pushes against the spasming muscles. It’s calming. You could probably dig deeper and say I like any positive touching because I have very little to no human contact that isn’t negative or me helping someone else. I think positive human contact is important to have. Sometimes getting that is next to impossible.

{March 12, 2013}   Small Victories

At the doctors yesterday I was elated to discover that I have lost four pounds! I know four pounds isn’t a lot, but if you think about it that’s a half gallon of milk or a can of beans. That’s just the motivation that I need to get back into boxing, broken hand or not. I still have one good hand 🙂
Quick run down of my history: When I first injured my shoulder and my back I lost about ten pounds, bringing me just under my healthy weight according to the BMI. However, it didn’t take long of being laid up to gain that back, plus another ten. I’ve always struggled with my weight. I went from an obese fourteen year old to a thin, bulimic seventeen year old, to a healthy, active twenty-one year old. It’s a cycle, really. I still have my off days when I resort back to the bulimic ways, but I’ve been doing a good job with eating healthy and drinking a lot less alcohol and soda. And I’m at the point where I understand that losing fatty weight takes work.

Physical Therapy today. It’s raining cats and dogs and I really don’t feel like going anywhere. Is it just me or does it seem like every day is laundry day???

{March 12, 2013}   Above And Beyond

I cheated… I’ve been taking my cast off so that people won’t know that I broke my hand. I’ve even been on both medical and fire calls without my cast since I broke my hand. Tonight we had a lift assist for our frequent handicapped flopper. I’m honored to go on calls, whether they are emergencies or service calls, but this particular patient’s husband always has me change his wife’s clothing and pad after we assist her into bed. It’s above and beyond my duty, and it’s incredibly uncomfortable for me. Meanwhile, my Captain waits in the next room laughing at me. The only remedy I can think of is to avoid these calls, but I can’t do that and keep a good conscience.

I got my medical insurance back so I saw my doctor at the pain clinic today. We scheduled more thoracic spinal nerve blocks. Maybe I will be able to get some relief.

I begin physical therapy again tomorrow, though I really don’t want to. My pain levels have been at a 8 or 9 out of 10. I’ve been spending a lot of time in bed, like 15-18 hours because it just hurts too much.

Now for some fun news!
We have a new police officer in town! She is very friendly and will stop by the station to say hi if she sees my car. We do some small talk and she leaves. If I see her parked in her cruiser, I’ll stop and chit chat for a bit. She’s gorgeous and the uniform doesn’t hurt, either. So, I guess I have a little crush on our new police officer 🙂   It feels good to be back in the game. At least, to have someone to pine over, even if they’re unavailable.

{February 22, 2013}   She’s Come Undone

Not only have  I been slacking off with my training and missing important meetings, but I just dropped out of physical therapy and dyed my hair a strange red. Tomorrow I’m taking Stubby back to his previous home. Tonight I’m going to a different state to go to a bar and people watch… maybe even have some fun? I won’t be having any more than a few beers because I’ll have a two hour drive . I’m also picking up a couple of people on the way, so I’ll be responsible for their drunk asses too.

I’m taking a break from my therapist too, but I wonder what she would have to say? I almost think she would cheer me on, but if not maybe she would suggest that I’m unhappy with something in my mind or feeling like something is out of my control, so I’m becoming a control freak with what I can control. Like my hair color and what I do. You know, that might not be too far from the truth.

Til I figure it out I’m going to try to enjoy myself as I unravel.

{February 20, 2013}   Status: Soon-To-Be Cat Lady

Guess who came home with me when I finished house sitting? That cute, loving, adorable cat, Stubby:


Stubby stealing my heating pad and burying his head under my butt.

His name is Stubby because he’s a Maine Coon Cat and the breeders cut his tail off to a little stub when he was a tiny kitten. I think that’s cruel, myself. But it’s cute because his little stub does a little wiggle. He and Babe are trying to establish the Alpha at this point so they’re not really getting along. It seems they decide to fight most in the middle of the night when they both want to be in bed with me… ugh.

My little “relaxing” weekend didn’t go as planned. It was still relaxing, though. I didn’t read as much as I had planned to read… because I spent most of the weekend watching the full seasons of The L Word on my Kindle. So it was still a good weekend.

On Sunday we had three first alarms, two of them at the same time. All turned out to be simple calls, but it made for a hectic afternoon and evening. Since my lazy weekend I’ve had trouble getting my ass in gear. I went to physical therapy on Monday and it killed me. I haven’t been to any calls since then and I feigned a headache to skip out on my meeting at the hospital last night. I have a feeling my EMS coordinator is probably going to give me a hard time the next time I do show up but even that isn’t enough motivation for me to get my shit together. I get the feeling that I’m really screwing up. To top it all off, I lost my insurance so I’m quitting physical therapy ($210/week). Another issue with physical therapy is I’m very attracted to my physical therapist and we all know how that ended for me last time. Maybe I have a weird fetish for PT’s? All I know is I both can’t stand to spend those two hours per week with her and I can’t wait until the next appointment. Sigh.

Tonight I have enough motivation to go play some board and card games. Maybe it’s just responsibility that I’m having a hard time grasping right now?


{February 8, 2013}   Pizza and Meetings

After teaching a friend how to properly patch holes in drywall today I had a meeting at the fire department and a work detail (inspecting the apparatus). In the middle of changing the oil in the ambulance we had a fire alarm so it turned into a Nascar pit stop session. Then I came home (freezing from standing outside in the 14 degree weather) and grabbed a pizza pan that had just come out of the oven, successfully burning my ring and pinkie fingers. I didn’t immediately drop the pan because my fingers were temporarily numb from the cold. I can feel them now! Burning and stinging…

I had an okay session with physical therapy yesterday. I’m not looking forward to going through it all again. Tomorrow is supposed to be session number two but we’re also supposed to get 18-24 inches of snow between tonight and Saturday. Oh and 45-50 mph winds. It’s going to be a true nor’ easter.

Welcome to New England!

Chelsea Lately, The L Word and bed for me. We’ll see what tomorrow brings.

{February 5, 2013}   Treating Myself= Things Go Wrong

I treated myself to a Black Widow .22 Mag this morning. Nice, small and concealable. It will probably become my carry gun in place of my bulky .9mm Glock.

Black Widow .22

I was (am still) pretty excited about it. But when I arrived home from my Uncle’s birthday party this evening two of my brothers and my parents were sitting around the kitchen table. My Mother was unhappy with me because I mentioned to one of my brothers that she was smoking again. My other brother was mad at me because I mentioned (for the first time!) that he owes me $400.00 for putting oil in his tank because he was flat broke. He stormed out of the house. My Father was mad at me because simply by walking in I managed to cause all of that drama. I wish that I hadn’t bothered to come home tonight until my parents were in bed and no one was around.

I begin physical therapy again tomorrow. My heart is not in it at all.

Today’s song:

et cetera