{October 20, 2013}   When Help is 1,749 Miles Away

My psychotherapist, JB, has taken a job in Puerto Rico, 1,749 miles away. She will continue to “see” me via phone, Skype and/or email. I guess it’s a temporary job for only five or six months and then she’s coming back to continue her private practice here. I wish her nothing but luck and happiness. I can imagine how burnt out one can get being a psychotherapist.

Now for the selfish side of me: JB couldn’t have taken this job at a worse time! It’s mid-October and my anxiety and depression increases three-fold throughout the winter months. Yes she gave me referrals in case I feel the need to contact a counselor to have face-to-face sessions with while she’s gone but I’ve been seeing JB off and on for ten years, a new counselor won’t get it. JB does. I don’t have the patience to train a new counselor so they know what is and isn’t off-limits and I don’t have the mental ability to retell my story to a new counselor.

Maybe that’s the problem. I’ve become too comfortable with JB and it’s more like a friendship than a client/counselor relationship. Maybe she respects my boundaries a little too much because she knows how defensive and angry I get. Maybe having another counselor on the side would be beneficial for treatment. Maybe a kind of good cop/bad cop thing wouldn’t be a bad idea. JB is the good cop and another, new counselor can be the bad cop.

Maybe I’m completely overreacting by hitting the panic button so soon.



{March 7, 2013}   Boys Have The Best Clothes

There is definitely a plaid pattern going on in my wardrobe now. This shirt is from the boy’s section in TJMAXX. Being it’s freezing cold and snowy out-and I have an appointment to go to- I put a navy blue long John shirt under it.

I haven’t seen my psychotherapist in about a month now. This should be interesting… wonder if she’ll give me shit for my hand? Check out the new half cast and awesome buddy taping of my two fingers.


{February 22, 2013}   She’s Come Undone

Not only have  I been slacking off with my training and missing important meetings, but I just dropped out of physical therapy and dyed my hair a strange red. Tomorrow I’m taking Stubby back to his previous home. Tonight I’m going to a different state to go to a bar and people watch… maybe even have some fun? I won’t be having any more than a few beers because I’ll have a two hour drive . I’m also picking up a couple of people on the way, so I’ll be responsible for their drunk asses too.

I’m taking a break from my therapist too, but I wonder what she would have to say? I almost think she would cheer me on, but if not maybe she would suggest that I’m unhappy with something in my mind or feeling like something is out of my control, so I’m becoming a control freak with what I can control. Like my hair color and what I do. You know, that might not be too far from the truth.

Til I figure it out I’m going to try to enjoy myself as I unravel.

{January 29, 2013}   Ill Discoveries

Meaning things I discovered while in bed recuperating from that killer migraine and the exhausted laziness that settled in after it was gone.

1. I can watch all of the seasons of The L Word  for free on my Kindle using my Amazon Prime membership.

2. I can watch several gay/lesbian genre movies on my Kindle for free using my Amazon Prime membership.

3. I can stay in my room for two days straight and no one notices that I’m ‘missing’ (Hmmm, good or bad?).


And Then Came LolaLast night I watched a movie called And Then Came Lola (found under lesbian movies). It was a good movie. It’s a little bit confusing in the beginning because they do three different takes of the same scene throughout the movie. But once you figure it out it makes perfect sense. You’ll find yourself cheering on Lola and trying to tell her what to do differently (kind of like in horror movies when you find yourself yelling “don’t look behind the shower curtain fool!”). Don’t worry, she figures it out! The best thing about this lesbian drama is that it’s not all about sex and nudity. I can’t stand how so many lesbian movies portray lesbians as being horny sex toys. You do see some skin in this movie but there’s no real nudity. At least someone knows how to leave something to the imagination.

You should totally watch it. And you have no excuse not to if you have an Amazon Prime membership, because it’s free!

These Things Hidden

I just finished reading Heather Gudenkauf’s novel These Things Hidden. Excellent read! Just when you think you have the hidden things (secrets) figured out, she reveals the truths and they’re not at all what you expected. She keeps the mystery going, suspense-fully, right to the last page of the book. I can’t possibly give it a good enough review, you just have to read it for yourself.

My goal is to be completely lazy (except when my pager goes off) until I have to get my shit together to see my therapist Thursday morning. That gives me two days for myself, for my selfishness. I’ve been selfish a lot lately and I’m slowly learning to like it. That could be a good thing, or it could be a bad thing. I guess it depends on how you look at it, or how far I take it 😉

{October 26, 2012}   It’s All The Same To Me

I had a short meeting with my therapist today. It was basically to sign a release of information and give the go-ahead on sending my file to my lawyer. We have gone through several of my old journals which she has kept locked away in storage to find entries proving my “insanity”, for lack of a better word. I don’t think I’m really insane. Anyway, she commented on how by reading through my old journals she can see how I’ve been getting better. Of course I kind of agreed. But now I’ve had time to think about it. Thinking makes me my own worst enemy.

I’m still self-destructive, physically and emotionally. I’m still a ticking time bomb, ready to lash out at anyone who angers me. I still stay in the house as much as possible… I don’t want to go out. For better or worse I have less friends and acquaintances than I’ve ever had. I still struggle for every minute of sleep I can grasp. I still do not get along with my mother. And I’m still ‘clingy’ to anyone who will accept me. So really, it’s all the same to me. It is true that I’m functioning on a higher level, ie- the fire department & rescue, but the bad feelings, the paranoia, the depression and the total lack of interest in almost everything is there. My back is still fucked up. My head is still fucked up. My shoulder is still fucked up. I’m fucked up.

Okay I’m done reflecting.

I’m getting nervous, excited and anxious for my hair cut tonight! It’s going to be so different. I’m looking forward most to the shock on people’s faces. I want this for me, but at the same time it symbolizes flipping the bird to everyone who is still denying my truth- that I’m a lesbian. Fuck you! Only I could never say that and hope to keep my face in the same shape it’s in now. After all, it’s not their truth to be in denial about! It’s my truth and I’m done trying to ignore it or deny it. It’s who I am. Take me or leave me, just don’t pretend I’m something I’m not. Of course there is also hope that by cutting my hair super-super short guys will leave me alone, stop hitting on me, stop saying vulgar things to me in hopes of getting me into bed. I’m done with men… I’m done with my denial.

So this hair cut symbolizes a lot for me. I can’t wait!

Practical reasons to cut my hair:

  • When my pager goes off in the middle of the night, I have to roll out of bed, down the stairs and into my truck. There’s no time to fuss with my hair. And patients don’t appreciate your hair falling into their face. Well, most of them don’t anyway.
  • Ever tried wearing a fire helmet with a ponytail? It’s painful. Ever tried wearing a fire helmet and SCBA (air mask/tank) with your hair down in your face? It’s literally deadly. And annoying.
  • Having no hair will cut my preparation time by about twenty minutes each day. That’s twenty more minutes of sleep I can get!
  • Ever had a dog who thought your hair was a toy to play tug-of-war with? The dog is the only one who enjoys it.

So to all those who insist that I’m just going through a phase, that everyone experiments with relationships…


{October 23, 2012}   It Was Tense

I saw my Osteopath today. It was tense, to say the least. She continued lecturing me about my eating habits and insists that I continue to keep a food journal and give it to her when I see her again in two weeks. That I can let go in one ear and out the other and do what she asks for the sake of my back. However… when I went to check out I noticed in large letters on the bottom of the check-out sheet she gave me: #1. Major Depressive, #2. Anorexia. There was an explosion in my head. I felt like I’d been talking to a wall when I spoke to her. I felt like she didn’t listen to anything I said, and instead just made her own assumptions. I feel kind of bullied. Being bullied is not going to make me change who I am, in fact I know myself well enough to know that it will just make me rebel.

I ended up calling my therapist because I was so bothered. She’s probably right, I shouldn’t dwell on it and I should really try not let it bother me so much. I’ll see my therapist on Friday again and she said she’ll have me sign a release so she can call and speak with my Osteopath. Hopefully, she can convince my Osteopath that we’re working on whatever problem she seems to think I have and my Osteopath can go back to helping me with my back, and only my back.

I was so upset about my appointment with my Osteopath that I came home and crawled into bed. I stayed there for six and a half hours, dozing on and off. I’m still exhausted, but I think it’s more emotional than anything.

I did have a chat online with Adam tonight. Here’s how it went:

ADAM: do you enjoy spending time with me?

ME: Yeah, I like hanging out with you.

ADAM: do you want to see another movie with me?

ME: I would like to see another movie with you. As a friend. I’m not ready for a relationship & I don’t have the time to devote to one.

ADAM: i understand completely. i just wanted to make sure that i’m not being a bother. to you. so from now on we’ll leave movies up to that day so we can’t cancel plans if they haven’t been made 🙂

(His grammar sucks, I know) That went much better than I expected. I’m too accustomed to guys wanting it all or nothing at all. I can tell that he’s still hoping for more, but I don’t think that’s my problem. I drew the boundary and that’s all I can do.

{October 22, 2012}   Explosive Aches

I got up this morning and ended up going right back to bed my back and entire body ached so. It didn’t last long though, I ended up with both of the kids, and they were both miserable. The girl was just down-right miserable and argued about everything, and the boy was just blatantly disrespectful and mean. I ended up losing my temper and throwing the cigarette rolling machine across the kitchen (the kids were not in the room) and leaving them with my mother while I went and hid in my room. I was seething right up until my pager went off for an eighty-five year old male with a terminal illness (cancer) and difficulty breathing. When my pager goes off, I go away, I leave myself and become someone else entirely. After the call I was able to hang out with my partner at the station for a little bit. My partner is a pretty amazing guy. Something about him is so calming and reassuring. He ‘grounds’ me, brings me back around and puts a lid on my boiling rage. He’s like another brother or Dad to me. Only the blood-family dynamic isn’t there, which is probably why it works so well.

I wish I could find a way to tame my anger, keep my temper in control. I see my therapist tomorrow so maybe I can try to work on that a little. I also see my Osteopathic Doctor tomorrow, hopefully she can help me out with this pain. It’s exhausting.

We just had a 4.6 magnitude earthquake while I was at my EMS meeting. The funny thing is every EMT and Paramedic in the Valley were in that room with me. I don’t believe there was any damage other than a small gas leak. 4.6 mag is huge for this area. Usually we have small quakes that we can’t even feel but this one made my speakers jump off my computer desk and my votive candles bail off my TV, and now those are in pieces within the cylinder of a shop-vac.

Anyway, I’m glad I went to the meeting tonight. I actually enjoyed it and as always, my EMT partner was a joy to be with. My day has turned around drastically and I’m so glad. I still feel guilty about my attitude this morning, but I know that therapists are trained to deal with it and not take it personally. I’ll get over it.

{October 16, 2012}   False Alarm!

I looked in the mirror this morning and this is what I saw.

I was miserable this morning. My therapist probably hates me right now, I was a stubborn, rude bitch. I was in an awful mood. But as the day has gone on and I’ve tried relaxing my mind I have straightened my attitude out and found a little peace within myself.

I think I was temporarily blinded by the concept of having someone to “hold onto me” and I thought I could conform to what everyone else wants, but as my therapist pointed out, I’m just making myself miserable. Adam is a friend and he will never be anything more. I am a lesbian with no interest in having any intimate relations with men. Unfortunately I myself am still having some trouble accepting that and it doesn’t help that I have very few people in my life who accept it. I am who I am. I just have to try to remember that slogan of it gets better and believe that there is someone out there for me and I will find her. Its just not the right time. I am still trying to figure out how to come out to people and just who I should come out to. I’m sure many people just know, but too many people think I’m going to make a great wife and baby maker to a man some day. Sorry guys!

I have an EMS meeting tonight at the local hospital that I was determined to skip, but a fellow EMT called me today and asked if he could give me a ride. How could I refuse? I am fortunate to know him and his wife, they are wonderful people. I wish I could surround myself with a hundred more people like them.

So, off I go on just two hours of sleep in the last thirty hours.

Here it is two in the morning and I’m awake and writing in my journal because there is way too much on my mind for me to be able to fall asleep. I wrote two and a half pages of which I cannot find the motivation to type up for you guys. So I figure I’ll try to post a shorter version, hopefully with less B.S. than I have written in my journal. My therapist is just going to love me in the morning when she sees how much I have written for her to peruse.

So I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I finally knew who I was after many years of struggling with myself and my sexuality. I’ve been writing in previous posts about this mystery “A” person. I have deliberately left out any words that refer to their gender because on my “About Page” I have clearly stated that I am a lesbian. Well, “A” stands for Adam. I haven’t lied about my sexuality. Not to my knowledge anyway. I began dating Adam last week. I can’t even convey how confused I am right now. I don’t even know where to start or how to start. Let me describe Adam for you: he’s an ex-marine who has deployed twice to Iraq. He’s very respectful and polite. He’s a big dork who loves animals and children and cartoons. He’s responsible. He has a good job, helps support his sister and nephews and is making it on his own. Blonde hair, blue eyes… he’s most girl’s dreams. I like him. I enjoy spending time with him and we have fun when we go out. I like how he opens doors for me, asks me before he touches me and waits for me to sit before he takes his seat. He’s a perfect gentleman. And he says he really likes me and wants to spend so much time with me.

We haven’t done anything more than hug. He won’t try unless I provoke it. He doesn’t know that I consider myself a lesbian. He doesn’t know about my past or my mental health problems. He has met my parents, my brother, my Aunt and a few guys from the Fire Department. They all think he’s great. They don’t know that he lost his license back in April from a DUI and can’t drive. They don’t know that he’s a recovering alcoholic who suffers from PTSD from being in Iraq. I don’t know why any of the above matters.

Anyway… I don’t know what I’m doing. I really like Adam, but I don’t want to sleep with him and I don’t see myself wanting to in the future. He says that’s okay, he’s not big on sex. Well… I have a feeling the reason I don’t want to sleep with him is because he’s carrying the wrong equipment. My biggest issue right now is that I seem to have fallen back into my old confusion about my sexuality. Am I willing to give him a try because I’m so desperate for some company, for someone to care for me, for someone to hold onto me? That doesn’t seem fair to him. In my previous posts I have talked about “Maya”, my physical therapist with whom I had a short fling with. With Adam in mind I have asked myself, if Maya showed up asking me for more, what would I do? Well, I’m almost one-hundred percent positive that I’d drop Adam in a heartbeat to be with her. So is that my answer?

I feel guilty, too. My Mother is hoping that Adam has “changed” me into a heterosexual. I feel guilty because I’m like my parents last hope- my four sisters have all been very disappointing in their selection of men, and then they end up with a gay daughter? I know my mother is hoping this from the way she has been asking questions about how our dates have gone. And of course I feel guilty because I don’t want to use Adam. I don’t want to hurt anyone else. However, in the back of my head there’s that little voice you hear everywhere: “How do you know you don’t like something if you don’t try it?”. Once again, that’s not fair to Adam, is it?

So I’m struggling with the seemingly never-ending question of who the hell am I? I thought I knew. Do I?


et cetera